[For Moms Who Are Trying Hard But Struggling ④] I Thought, "If I Just Endure It, Everything Will Be Fine"

"If I just endure it."
Have you ever thought that?

I have, many times.

About my husband.

About raising my children.

And about my own dreams.

I loved the time I spent with my son.

It wasn't that I disliked parenting.

But at the same time,
because the time and money I could spend on what I wanted to do were limited,
I felt a sense of pain somewhere in my heart.

At times like that, I often thought:

"I'll just endure it for now."

"If I just endure it, the family will be fine."

"I'm a mother, so it can't be helped."

Back then,
I thought that was the right thing to do.

But recently, I realized something.

It wasn't that I "wanted to endure it."

I wanted to feel at ease.

What I really wanted my husband to say was:

"You don't need to worry about money."

"It's okay not to rush."

"Just focus on the housework and raising the kids."

'If you can just stay in a good mood, that's enough.'

Those words.

But looking back now, the words I wanted most might not have been from my husband, but from myself.

'It's okay.'

'You are fine just as you are.'

'There's no need to rush.'

And so on.

And I realized one more thing.

It wasn't so much that I thought, 'If I just endure it, everything will be fine,' but rather that I was living in a world where thinking that way was the norm.

People who work hard are admirable.

People who can endure are admirable.

A good mother is someone who can put herself last for the sake of her family.

Living within those values, you end up choosing 'What is the right thing to do?' rather than 'What do I want to do?'

It wasn't that I was bad.

I was just trying my best to follow the rules of that world.

But even if I kept trying hard within those rules, I couldn't find the sense of security I truly wanted.

I wanted to feel secure.

I wanted to feel like I had a place where I belonged.

I wanted to feel that 'I am okay.'

So lately, instead of 'If I just endure it, everything will be fine,' I try to ask myself, 'What is it that I truly wish for?'

The answer is always kinder than I expected.

Perhaps what we want to let go of is not the endurance itself, but the belief that
'I won't be loved unless I endure.'