[Prison Writers] Dearly from behind the walls: Things I don't know

There are many things in this world that I do not know.
Not to mention other people, there are even things about myself that I do not know. In this day and age, the spread of the internet allows us to learn about all sorts of things, and if you ask an AI, it will tell you anything.
Yet, as a prisoner, I am ignorant of almost everything.

"I do not know that I am what society calls an 'old man'."
I was caught in my 20s, and before I knew it, I was in my 40s.
However, only my age has increased; I do not feel any physical decline or signs of aging.
This is likely because I do not use much physical strength and have few opportunities to look in a mirror, so I have no self-awareness of it.
Only time has passed since I was caught, and my mental age remains in my 20s. Perhaps that is why I still think I can hang out with young women, and there is a part of me that believes I would succeed if I tried to pick them up. Inside the facility, just like in society, the population is aging, and even at 40, I am considered part of the younger generation and am valued.
Because of this, even things that a 40-year-old in society would not be forgiven for are overlooked as 'youthful indiscretions'.

"I do not know how much pain my family has endured."
I committed my crime in my hometown. I imagine there is no one there who doesn't know about it.
My family must have been looked at with cold eyes, pointed at behind their backs, and subjected to slander and defamation.
Yet, I, the one who was arrested, was protected by a fortress where I was not exposed to the public eye, heard no voices of criticism, ate meals, took baths, and slept soundly in a futon. My mother, whom I met for the first time after being arrested, looked haggard, but when I cried and apologized repeatedly, she only said, 'It is something that has been done,' and never blamed me at all, no matter how much pain she herself was in.
Even when I was transferred to the detention center, she took two hours to come visit me, and even when I was moved to prison, she took four hours to come visit.
When she comes to visit, my mother brings me books.
My mother's name, address, and phone number are written in her own handwriting on the delivery slip, and it was only when I saw this that I realized the home phone number had changed.
That tells the story of what kind of treatment my family has had to endure because of me.

"I do not know what I look like in society now that I have been arrested and become a criminal."
Naturally, before I committed a crime and was arrested, I lived a normal life as a working adult and lived as a good citizen.
However, since being arrested and becoming a criminal, I have not stepped outside these walls even once.
Therefore, now that I am a criminal, I do not know how my friends, acquaintances, and people around me would treat me.
Also, I do not know how much credibility I have as a criminal, or if I can even earn that trust.
Despite that, I cling to past glories—like the fact that I lived a normal life in society and held a position with a decent salary—and unable to discard my petty pride, I end up thinking I can live like I did in the past.

"I do not know that society is harsh on former inmates."
I have heard that the reason the recidivism rate remains high is because people cannot endure the harshness of society and the severity of reality, and end up committing crimes again.
In prison, you only have to do what you are told. Meals are provided when it is time, and if you put out your laundry, they wash it for you.
Even if you do nothing, you are given a room, can sleep in a futon, and can take a bath. But that is not the case once you go out into society.
You have to live on your own, and you have to make a living.
Right now, I am being kept alive and allowed to live. It is no exaggeration to say that I am soaking in a lukewarm bath.
If I live like this for decades, I worry that I will lose the ability to be independent.
When I actually return to society, what will I think? If I am confronted with the harshness of society and beaten down by my own weakness, will my heart break?
To prevent that, I will acknowledge my own weakness starting now and think about and acquire the skills to live in a harsh society.
What can I do to be accepted by society? What is it that only I, as a former inmate, can do...

"But I do know how I will walk the rest of my life."
The path I will walk is the path of atonement, and that is all.
I want to do everything I can for the sake of the world and for others.
I want to help those in need, encourage those who are sad, stand by them, and treat people with compassion.
For the half-life I have lived selfishly until now, from here on, I will love others more than myself, devote myself to others, suppress my anger so as not to repeat past mistakes and regrets, and live calmly so as never to hurt anyone again. Right now, there are many things I do not know.
Even if I am beaten down by reality as I learn various things in the future, I will not stray from the path of atonement; I will stand on my own two feet and walk on my own two feet.

For that very reason, 'I know very well' that I must reflect, be grateful, make efforts, and devote myself every single day.

Past posts by A23