What It Means to Live with Illness and Disability

There are moments when life comes crashing down—for me, that wasn't when I lost my sight, but when I quit being a nurse.

Losing the job I loved was far more painful than losing my sight to illness.

Losing the job I loved was far more painful than losing my sight to illness.

It was far more painful.

At the time, I didn't know who I was anymore.

I had nowhere to go when I woke up in the morning.

I had no one to meet.

I had no role.

It felt as if the life I had built up until then was crashing down with a deafening sound.

It felt as if the life I had built up until then was crashing down with a deafening sound.

I often hear the phrase, "accepting one's illness or disability."

But even now, I don't really understand what that means.

I can't say I'm glad I got sick.

I can't say I'm glad I lost my sight.

Even so, I am living with my illness and disability.

Today, through my own experiences, I would like to write about "what it means to live with illness and disability."

🩺 A Life as a Nurse

I used to work as a pediatric nurse.

In the pediatric ward, there are children living while facing illnesses and disabilities.

They are children who, while undergoing treatment every single day, experiencing pain, suffering, and frustration, still shine brightly as they live their lives.

They are children who, while undergoing treatment every single day, experiencing pain, suffering, and frustration, still shine brightly as they live their lives.

They are children who, while undergoing treatment every single day, experiencing pain, suffering, and frustration, still shine brightly as they live their lives.

They are children who, while undergoing treatment every single day, experiencing pain, suffering, and frustration, still shine brightly as they live their lives.

I loved the time I spent with those children.

We rejoiced together when treatment went well, felt frustrated together when results weren't what we hoped, worried together amidst the uncertainty of the future, and sometimes shed tears together.

We rejoiced together when treatment went well, felt frustrated together when results weren't what we hoped, worried together amidst the uncertainty of the future, and sometimes shed tears together.

We rejoiced together when treatment went well, felt frustrated together when results weren't what we hoped, worried together amidst the uncertainty of the future, and sometimes shed tears together.

We rejoiced together when treatment went well, felt frustrated together when results weren't what we hoped, worried together amidst the uncertainty of the future, and sometimes shed tears together.

But there is more than just illness in a pediatric ward.

We celebrated birthdays, enjoyed seasonal events, and laughed together over trivial things.

We celebrated birthdays, enjoyed seasonal events, and laughed together over trivial things.

We celebrated birthdays, enjoyed seasonal events, and laughed together over trivial things.

Even with their illnesses, the children lived their days as children.

I was happier than anything to share that time with them, rejoicing in their growth.

Looking back now, perhaps the pediatric ward was like one big family.

There were the children, the families, the doctors, and the nurses, all worrying, laughing, and sometimes pausing, but walking in the same direction.

There were the children, the families, the doctors, and the nurses, all worrying, laughing, and sometimes pausing, but walking in the same direction.

There were the children, the families, the doctors, and the nurses, all worrying, laughing, and sometimes pausing, but walking in the same direction.

There were the children, the families, the doctors, and the nurses, all worrying, laughing, and sometimes pausing, but walking in the same direction.

Being part of that circle. Walking alongside the children and their families. That was an irreplaceable time for me.

Being part of that circle. Walking alongside the children and their families. That was an irreplaceable time for me.

No matter how busy I was, no matter how painful things got, I could be by the children's side. That was my greatest happiness.

No matter how busy I was, no matter how painful things got, I could be by the children's side. That was my greatest happiness.

That is why I loved being a nurse.

For me, being a nurse was not just a job.

It was my reason for living, my pride, and I think it was my life itself.

It was my reason for living, my pride, and I think it was my life itself.

Laughing as a nurse, worrying as a nurse, growing as a nurse. Through those accumulated days, being a nurse had become my very identity.

Laughing as a nurse, worrying as a nurse, growing as a nurse. Through those accumulated days, being a nurse had become my very identity.

Laughing as a nurse, worrying as a nurse, growing as a nurse. Through those accumulated days, being a nurse had become my very identity.

If someone had asked me back then, "Who are you?" I would have answered without hesitation, "I am a nurse."

If someone had asked me back then, "Who are you?" I would have answered without hesitation, "I am a nurse."

That is how much being a nurse was my identity.

That is how much being a nurse was my identity.

So, back then, I never imagined a day would come when I would lose that precious thing.

It was during those days that I became ill.

👁️ The Beginning of Living with Illness

At first, it was just a very minor discomfort.

I had a little pain in my right eye during a night shift.

But back then, I just thought I was tired.

It would get better if I slept. I would be able to work as usual tomorrow. That's what I thought.

It would get better if I slept. I would be able to work as usual tomorrow. That's what I thought.

However, when I woke up, the situation had completely changed.

My right eye was bloodshot, and the tears wouldn't stop.

My right eye was bloodshot, and the tears wouldn't stop.

I rushed to see a doctor, was referred to a university hospital, and ended up being hospitalized.

I rushed to see a doctor, was referred to a university hospital, and ended up being hospitalized.

I never imagined at that time that a long journey with illness would begin from that day.

The days that followed were a cycle of treatment and relapse.

I wanted to protect my vision somehow. I wanted to return to my original life somehow. I wanted to return to the children somehow.

I wanted to protect my vision somehow. I wanted to return to my original life somehow. I wanted to return to the children somehow.

I wanted to protect my vision somehow. I wanted to return to my original life somehow. I wanted to return to the children somehow.

I continued treatment with those thoughts in mind.

However, the illness gradually took away the vision in my right eye.

Towards the end, I started checking every morning when I woke up.

Could I feel the light? Could I see the movement of my hands?

Could I feel the light? Could I see the movement of my hands?

That was the first thing I checked each day.

And then, one day.

Turning on the light didn't change anything.

Opening the curtains didn't change anything.

In front of my right eye, there was only a world of total darkness.

In front of my right eye, there was only a world of total darkness.

This day had finally come. I had truly lost my sight.

I was scared. I was sad. I was frustrated.

I was scared. I was sad. I was frustrated.

I was scared. I was sad. I was frustrated.

But the illness didn't end there.

The eye that had lost its sight repeatedly became inflamed and started to cause severe pain.

The eyeball gradually atrophied, and its appearance changed.

Could I somehow keep it? Could I stay as I was?

Could I somehow keep it? Could I stay as I was?

Those wishes were in vain, and I ultimately had to make the decision to have my eyeball removed.

It was an eye that couldn't see, so it couldn't be helped. I understood that in my head.

It was an eye that couldn't see, so it couldn't be helped. I understood that in my head.

Even so, I couldn't easily accept it.

My appearance would change. How would people around me see me?

My appearance would change. How would people around me see me?

That was what I was afraid of.

Would they treat me the same as before? Would they accept the me that had changed?

Would they treat me the same as before? Would they accept the me that had changed?

Those anxieties kept swirling in my head.

After the surgery, I was trying to return to the field as a nurse again.

However, reality was not as simple as I had thought.

Even though my doctor gave me permission to return to work, it wasn't easily approved.

Even though my doctor gave me permission to return to work, it wasn't easily approved.

It wasn't that I couldn't work. It wasn't that I couldn't do it. Yet, I wasn't trusted.

It wasn't that I couldn't work. It wasn't that I couldn't do it. Yet, I wasn't trusted.

It wasn't that I couldn't work. It wasn't that I couldn't do it. Yet, I wasn't trusted.

I remember that being very painful.

At that time, someone from a children's day service center who had helped me since I was a student reached out to me.

"Just come by, even if it's just to play."

I was saved by those words.

While interacting with the children as a volunteer, I gradually regained my confidence.

The children didn't treat me specially because I had an artificial eye.

They laughed just as before and treated me just as before.

I remember being truly happy about that.

And I was able to return to the field as a nurse again.

I had finally regained my original life.

Even with the illness, I could continue to live as a nurse. Back then, I believed that.

Even with the illness, I could continue to live as a nurse. Back then, I believed that.

But that peace of mind didn't last long.

：

🩺 The Day I Lost Being a Nurse

But that peace of mind didn't last long.

The illness began to move again.

This time it was my left eye.

The only eye left. It was the last window for me to see the world.

The only eye left. It was the last window for me to see the world.

Because I had the experience of losing my right eye, the fear when something happened to my left eye was indescribably great.

Because I had the experience of losing my right eye, the fear when something happened to my left eye was indescribably great.

I underwent surgery many times. I continued treatment.

I underwent surgery many times. I continued treatment.

I wanted to protect my vision even a little. I wanted to keep this eye at all costs.

I wanted to protect my vision even a little. I wanted to keep this eye at all costs.

I was desperate with those thoughts.

But contrary to my wishes, the vision in my left eye was also gradually lost.

It was completely different from when I lost the sight in my right eye.

When I could see with one eye, I could drive. I could work. I could live my daily life without inconvenience.

When I could see with one eye, I could drive. I could work. I could live my daily life without inconvenience.

When I could see with one eye, I could drive. I could work. I could live my daily life without inconvenience.

But when the vision in my left eye declined, things that had been taken for granted became difficult, one by one.

But when the vision in my left eye declined, things that had been taken for granted became difficult, one by one.

And I became a visually impaired person.

Even so, I had no intention of giving up being a nurse.

Because being a nurse was not my job, but my life itself.

Because being a nurse was not my job, but my life itself.

So I returned to the ward.

If I returned, I could manage. I could work like before again. Somewhere, I believed that.

If I returned, I could manage. I could work like before again. Somewhere, I believed that.

If I returned, I could manage. I could work like before again. Somewhere, I believed that.

But reality was different.

I couldn't do it. I really couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it. I really couldn't do it.

I couldn't do things I had taken for granted. I couldn't do them without having them checked. I couldn't do them without help.

I couldn't do things I had taken for granted. I couldn't do them without having them checked. I couldn't do them without help.

I couldn't do things I had taken for granted. I couldn't do them without having them checked. I couldn't do them without help.

A first-year nurse could do more than I, a tenth-year nurse, could.

That reality was more painful than I had imagined.

Every day, it felt like my helplessness was being thrust in my face.

Even so, I wanted to be in the ward. I wanted to be by the children's side.

Even so, I wanted to be in the ward. I wanted to be by the children's side.

There must be things I could do because I had become visually impaired.

I wanted to be someone who could tell children with illnesses and disabilities that they didn't have to give up on their dreams.

I wanted to be someone who could tell children with illnesses and disabilities that they didn't have to give up on their dreams.

I was struggling desperately with those thoughts.

But reality didn't turn out the way I wished.

I wanted to continue being a nurse. Yet, I couldn't be a nurse.

I wanted to continue being a nurse. Yet, I couldn't be a nurse.

I am often asked, "Was it the most painful when you lost your sight?"

But for me, it was different.

The most painful time in my life was when I was no longer a nurse.

More than when I lost my sight. More than when I underwent surgery many times. It was much more painful.

More than when I lost my sight. More than when I underwent surgery many times. It was much more painful.

More than when I lost my sight. More than when I underwent surgery many times. It was much more painful.

I hadn't just lost my job. I lost my place. I lost my confidence. I lost my dreams.

I hadn't just lost my job. I lost my place. I lost my confidence. I lost my dreams.

I hadn't just lost my job. I lost my place. I lost my confidence. I lost my dreams.

I hadn't just lost my job. I lost my place. I lost my confidence. I lost my dreams.

And I didn't know who I was anymore.

I had nowhere to go when I woke up in the morning. I had no one to meet. I had no role.

I had nowhere to go when I woke up in the morning. I had no one to meet. I had no role.

I had nowhere to go when I woke up in the morning. I had no one to meet. I had no role.

It felt as if I had been cut off from society.

Losing a job is not just about losing income.

It can shake the time, pride, and even the identity that a person has built up.

It can shake the time, pride, and even the identity that a person has built up.

Back then, I felt like I had lost my life itself, rather than just my sight.

The illness took away many precious things from me.

🌱 Days of Losing the Meaning of Life

Having ceased to be a nurse, I didn't know who I was anymore.

Being a nurse was my very identity.

So when I was no longer a nurse, it felt like I had lost myself, rather than just my job.

So when I was no longer a nurse, it felt like I had lost myself, rather than just my job.

What am I living for? What should I aim for from now on?

What am I living for? What should I aim for from now on?

I was only thinking about such things.

I can't do anything because I can't see. I can't live without someone's help.

I can't do anything because I can't see. I can't live without someone's help.

Is there any meaning in such a life? That's what I was thinking.

Is there any meaning in such a life? That's what I was thinking.

Of course, I never thought about taking my own life.

No matter how painful, no matter how desperate, I had been taught by many children how precious and irreplaceable life is.

No matter how painful, no matter how desperate, I had been taught by many children how precious and irreplaceable life is.

So, I didn't think about that.

But, honestly, I did think it would be easier if I could just disappear like this.

But, honestly, I did think it would be easier if I could just disappear like this.

I had nowhere to go when I woke up in the morning. I had no one to meet. I had nothing to do. I had no goals.

I had nowhere to go when I woke up in the morning. I had no one to meet. I had nothing to do. I had no goals.

I had nowhere to go when I woke up in the morning. I had no one to meet. I had nothing to do. I had no goals.

I didn't know what to do to spend the day. Only time was passing by.

I didn't know what to do to spend the day. Only time was passing by.

I wish today would end soon. I wish a week would pass soon. I was only thinking about such things.

I wish today would end soon. I wish a week would pass soon. I was only thinking about such things.

I wish today would end soon. I wish a week would pass soon. I was only thinking about such things.

Some might think, "You just stopped being a nurse."

But for me, it was by no means "just" that.

When I was no longer a nurse, I felt like I had lost not only my job but also my own value.

When I was no longer a nurse, I felt like I had lost not only my job but also my own value.

The meaning of life. Dreams. The future. It felt like everything was gone.

The meaning of life. Dreams. The future. It felt like everything was gone.

I didn't know what I was living for. I didn't know what I should aim for. I didn't know what I should live for.

I didn't know what I was living for. I didn't know what I should aim for. I didn't know what I should live for.

Those were my days.

Looking back now, I think I was in despair about my life itself.

But back then, I didn't realize it.

That even in the days I thought were only despair, seeds that would lead to the next step were actually left behind.

That even in the days I thought were only despair, seeds that would lead to the next step were actually left behind.

🌸 Things I Gradually Regained

Even in the days I thought were only despair, seeds that would lead to the next step were actually left behind.

Even in the days I thought were only despair, seeds that would lead to the next step were actually left behind.

For me, one of them was the encounter with training as a visually impaired person.

Back then, I thought I didn't need training.

I was a nurse. I did housework. I worked.

I was a nurse. I did housework. I worked.

So, I didn't want to admit that I needed to learn how to use a white cane or receive life training.

So, I didn't want to admit that I needed to learn how to use a white cane or receive life training.

Receiving training felt like admitting that I had become a disabled person.

But looking back now, I think that being able to connect to training at that time changed my life significantly.

But looking back now, I think that being able to connect to training at that time changed my life significantly.

In rehabilitation, I practiced walking with a white cane.

I also learned Braille.

I also received training for daily life, such as cooking and cleaning.

At first, I sometimes felt pathetic, thinking, "Do I have to learn these things to live?"

At first, I sometimes felt pathetic, thinking, "Do I have to learn these things to live?"

But the trainers were different.

They didn't just look at what I couldn't do, but thought together with me about how I could do it.

They didn't just look at what I couldn't do, but thought together with me about how I could do it.

Among them, there is an event I still cannot forget.

It was training on how to cook rice.

Having lost my sight, I was convinced that I could no longer cook rice by myself.

Having lost my sight, I was convinced that I could no longer cook rice by myself.

The inner pot of the rice cooker has markings to indicate the amount of water.

When I could see, I would naturally put in water according to those lines.

When I could see, I would naturally put in water according to those lines.

But I couldn't see those markings anymore.

So, I didn't know how to measure the amount of water.

But the trainer said it as if it were obvious.

"You can also measure water with the cup you use to measure rice."

I was truly surprised.

It was simple if you knew it.

But I, who didn't know, was convinced that I couldn't do it anymore.

But I, who didn't know, was convinced that I couldn't do it anymore.

At that moment, I realized.

Among the things I thought I couldn't do, there were many that I just didn't know the method for.

Among the things I thought I couldn't do, there were many that I just didn't know the method for.

And there is a phrase that supported me during the training.

"If you can't do it, you just have to think of a way to do it."

"If you can't do it, you just have to think of a way to do it."

This phrase became a support for my life after that.

Before I got sick, I thought in terms of two things: can I do it, or can't I?

Before I got sick, I thought in terms of two things: can I do it, or can't I?

But after I lost my sight, I started thinking: how can I do it? Can I do it another way? Can I do it if someone helps me?

But after I lost my sight, I started thinking: how can I do it? Can I do it another way? Can I do it if someone helps me?

But after I lost my sight, I started thinking: how can I do it? Can I do it another way? Can I do it if someone helps me?

And there is one more thing I learned.

That was to rely on people.

I have always been a person who prefers to be relied upon rather than to rely on others.

I have always been a person who prefers to be relied upon rather than to rely on others.

The job of a nurse is also, if anything, on the side of supporting others.

The job of a nurse is also, if anything, on the side of supporting others.

So, I was not good at having someone help me.

When crossing a pedestrian crossing, even when told, "You should have someone cross with you," I seriously thought I would practice as many times as it took until I could cross alone rather than do something like that.

When crossing a pedestrian crossing, even when told, "You should have someone cross with you," I seriously thought I would practice as many times as it took until I could cross alone rather than do something like that.

When crossing a pedestrian crossing, even when told, "You should have someone cross with you," I seriously thought I would practice as many times as it took until I could cross alone rather than do something like that.

Relying on people is losing. I think I had that feeling somewhere.

Relying on people is losing. I think I had that feeling somewhere.

But meeting friends with visual impairments, that way of thinking gradually changed.

There were many people who lived their own way while skillfully asking those around them and receiving the necessary support.

There were many people who lived their own way while skillfully asking those around them and receiving the necessary support.

Watching them, I realized.

Relying on people is not giving up. It is not admitting that you can't do something.

Relying on people is not giving up. It is not admitting that you can't do something.

It is the power to communicate the help you need and live while cooperating with those around you.

It is the power to communicate the help you need and live while cooperating with those around you.

Through training and meeting friends, I gradually became able to look at what I could do now, rather than just looking at what I had lost.

Through training and meeting friends, I gradually became able to look at what I could do now, rather than just looking at what I had lost.

And when I noticed, a feeling of wanting to challenge something again had begun to sprout within me.

And when I noticed, a feeling of wanting to challenge something again had begun to sprout within me.

🌈 Meeting a New Self

And when I noticed, a feeling of wanting to challenge something again had begun to sprout within me.

And when I noticed, a feeling of wanting to challenge something again had begun to sprout within me.

I want to return to the life I had before I got sick. At first, I always thought that.

I want to return to the life I had before I got sick. At first, I always thought that.

But as I continued the training, my way of thinking gradually changed.

I can no longer return to the me before I got sick. I can no longer return to the me when I could see.

I can no longer return to the me before I got sick. I can no longer return to the me when I could see.

I can no longer return to the me when I was working as a nurse.

That was a fact I couldn't change no matter how hard I tried.

That was a fact I couldn't change no matter how hard I tried.

But not being able to return is different from not being able to be happy.

I gradually came to understand that too.

Then, what can I do now? What kind of life do I want to live from now on?

Then, what can I do now? What kind of life do I want to live from now on?

I started thinking about such things.

And the answer I came up with was unexpectedly the same as before.

And the answer I came up with was unexpectedly the same as before.

I want to do a job that involves someone's life.

I want to do a job where I can worry with someone, rejoice with someone, and support them in living their own life.

I want to do a job where I can worry with someone, rejoice with someone, and support them in living their own life.

Just as many people supported me when I was in pain, I want to be someone's support now.

Just as many people supported me when I was in pain, I want to be someone's support now.

That thought hadn't changed, either before I got sick or after I got sick.

That thought hadn't changed, either before I got sick or after I got sick.

So, I decided to learn again.

I studied social welfare, learned about interpersonal support, and started looking for a new path.

I studied social welfare, learned about interpersonal support, and started looking for a new path.

To be honest, I also had a lot of anxiety.

In job hunting, there were times when I felt the difficulty of having a visual impairment.

In job hunting, there were times when I felt the difficulty of having a visual impairment.

Why did I lose my sight? Why only me? Such feelings sometimes showed their face.

Why did I lose my sight? Why only me? Such feelings sometimes showed their face.

Why did I lose my sight? Why only me? Such feelings sometimes showed their face.

Even so, it was a little different from the me before.

If it were the old me, I think I would have only looked at what I couldn't do.

If it were the old me, I think I would have only looked at what I couldn't do.

But back then, I had become able to think about what I could do now.

It's okay to be slow. It's okay to take a detour. It's okay to proceed at my own pace.

It's okay to be slow. It's okay to take a detour. It's okay to proceed at my own pace.

I had become able to think that way.

And I encountered the job of a consultation support specialist.

It is a job where I consult with people with disabilities and their families and help them realize a life that is uniquely their own.

It is a job where I consult with people with disabilities and their families and help them realize a life that is uniquely their own.

When I first learned about this job, I felt somewhat nostalgic.

Because what was there was the same as what I had cherished since my nursing days.

Because what was there was the same as what I had cherished since my nursing days.

Listening to someone's thoughts. Worrying together. Thinking together.

Listening to someone's thoughts. Worrying together. Thinking together.

And supporting them in living their own life.

My position changed. My workplace changed.

My position changed. My workplace changed.

But what I wanted to do hadn't changed at all.

But what I wanted to do hadn't changed at all.

At one point, I had the opportunity to talk about my current job to a mentor from my nursing student days.

At one point, I had the opportunity to talk about my current job to a mentor from my nursing student days.

There was something they said to me then.

"You've had a good career advancement."

For a long time, I thought I was no longer a nurse.

I thought I had lost my dream.

But when I heard those words, I was able to think for the first time.

Maybe I hadn't just lost it.

Although the form has changed, I am still doing a job that stays close to someone's life.

Although the form has changed, I am still doing a job that stays close to someone's life.

What I learned as a nurse, what I experienced as a patient, and what I lived as a person with a visual impairment, all of it is connected to my current job.

What I learned as a nurse, what I experienced as a patient, and what I lived as a person with a visual impairment, all of it is connected to my current job.

What I learned as a nurse, what I experienced as a patient, and what I lived as a person with a visual impairment, all of it is connected to my current job.

The life that looked like a detour was properly connected to the present.

When I could think that, I felt like I was able to look at my own life now for the first time, rather than trying to return to the me before I got sick.

When I could think that, I felt like I was able to look at my own life now for the first time, rather than trying to return to the me before I got sick.

🌱 What It Means to Live with Illness and Disability

In this way, I encountered a new job, encountered a new place to belong, and gradually regained my own life.

In this way, I encountered a new job, encountered a new place to belong, and gradually regained my own life.

But the illness didn't end there.

This spring, my illness progressed again.

The vision that had remained slightly until then was also largely lost.

The vision that had remained slightly until then was also largely lost.

Light. The presence of people. The outlines of things.

Light. The presence of people. The outlines of things.

Even the way of seeing that I had relied on in my own way was lost.

Even the way of seeing that I had relied on in my own way was lost.

Honestly, I was very frustrated.

I was scared.

Again. Why? I had finally come this far.

Again. Why? I had finally come this far.

I also had those thoughts.

It felt as if the life I had built over nearly ten years had collapsed again.

It felt as if the life I had built over nearly ten years had collapsed again.

Things I could do, I couldn't do anymore. Things I was used to, I didn't understand anymore.

Things I could do, I couldn't do anymore. Things I was used to, I didn't understand anymore.

I had to borrow someone's help again.

Before I got sick. When I lost my sight. And now.

Before I got sick. When I lost my sight. And now.

I have paused many times, worried many times, and wavered many times.

I have paused many times, worried many times, and wavered many times.

But I didn't want to blame myself for that.

Because living with illness and disability is surely about wavering many times.

Because living with illness and disability is surely about wavering many times.

It's not the end once you recover. It's not the end once you accept it.

It's not the end once you recover. It's not the end once you accept it.

There are times when you lose things. There are times when you feel down. There are times when you can't see ahead.

There are times when you lose things. There are times when you feel down. There are times when you can't see ahead.

Even so, I will look for a way of life that suits me at that time again.

I have been repeating that for these ten years.

I often hear the phrase "accepting disability" or "accepting illness or disability."

I often hear the phrase "accepting disability" or "accepting illness or disability."

But I am still a little bad with that phrase even now.

What is acceptance? Is it becoming able to think "this is fine" even if you have an illness or disability?

What is acceptance? Is it becoming able to think "this is fine" even if you have an illness or disability?

I still don't really understand it.

A life without illness would have been better. If I could see, I would want to be able to see even now.

A life without illness would have been better. If I could see, I would want to be able to see even now.

That is my honest feeling.

I'm sure that feeling won't disappear in the future either.

There are days when I can look forward. There are days when I can't look forward.

There are days when I can look forward. There are days when I can't look forward.

There are days when I can be strong. There are days when I can't.

There are days when I can be strong. There are days when I can't.

There are days when I'm just crying. There are days when I'm frustrated and can't help it.

There are days when I'm just crying. There are days when I'm frustrated and can't help it.

There are days when I'm scared and trembling.

But I think that's fine.

The weak me. The pathetic me. The me who worries and frets.

The weak me. The pathetic me. The me who worries and frets.

The me who can look forward and do my best. The me who can challenge new things.

The me who can look forward and do my best. The me who can challenge new things.

All of it is me.

Because I have an illness or disability, there are things I lose.

There are things I have to give up. There are things I have to endure.

There are things I have to give up. There are things I have to endure.

There are things I have to live while worrying about that I shouldn't have had to worry about in the first place.

There are things I have to live while worrying about that I shouldn't have had to worry about in the first place.

There are times when I can't choose the life I should have been able to choose if I didn't have an illness or disability.

There are times when I can't choose the life I should have been able to choose if I didn't have an illness or disability.

That is, after all, frustrating. It is sad.

That is, after all, frustrating. It is sad.

It is not something that can be easily accepted.

So, I think that living with illness and disability is living while coming to terms with such reality.

So, I think that living with illness and disability is living while coming to terms with such reality.

Accept the reality that cannot be changed as reality.

On top of that, face the current me. Acknowledge the current me. Cherish the current me.

On top of that, face the current me. Acknowledge the current me. Cherish the current me.

And keep looking for how to live better as the current me.

I think that is what it means to live with illness and disability.

I myself am still in the middle of that.

I will continue to worry. There will be times when I pause.

I will continue to worry. There will be times when I pause.

Even so, I want to keep looking for how to live better as the current me while facing the me of each moment.

Even so, I want to keep looking for how to live better as the current me while facing the me of each moment.

Thank you for reading until the end.

This essay was reconstructed as an entry for the Creative Award 2026 Essay Category, based on a lecture I gave to nursing students on the theme of "living with illness and disability."

This essay was reconstructed as an entry for the Creative Award 2026 Essay Category, based on a lecture I gave to nursing students on the theme of "living with illness and disability."

Originally, it was a manuscript created as a 105-minute lecture.

Therefore, there are still many events and thoughts that I couldn't write about within the limited character count of 10,000 characters.

Therefore, there are still many events and thoughts that I couldn't write about within the limited character count of 10,000 characters.

The days I faced patients and their families as a nurse. The scenery I saw for the first time after becoming a patient. The conflicts and challenges after losing my sight. And what I feel now that I work as a consultation support specialist.

The days I faced patients and their families as a nurse. The scenery I saw for the first time after becoming a patient. The conflicts and challenges after losing my sight. And what I feel now that I work as a consultation support specialist.

The days I faced patients and their families as a nurse. The scenery I saw for the first time after becoming a patient. The conflicts and challenges after losing my sight. And what I feel now that I work as a consultation support specialist.

This time, I summarized it as one story, focusing on the theme of "what it means to live with illness and disability."

This time, I summarized it as one story, focusing on the theme of "what it means to live with illness and disability."

Therefore, I haven't been able to depict each episode, such as events I really wanted to tell you more about, things I cried about, laughed about, paused at, and was supported by.

Therefore, I haven't been able to depict each episode, such as events I really wanted to tell you more about, things I cried about, laughed about, paused at, and was supported by.

I hope to write about the events and thoughts I couldn't write about this time, little by little, as a series titled "My Nursing Life Living with Illness and Disability."

I hope to write about the events and thoughts I couldn't write about this time, little by little, as a series titled "My Nursing Life Living with Illness and Disability."

If you felt something after reading this article, I would be happy if you could also read the future series.

And, if you'd like, it would be encouraging if you could also support my challenge for the Creative Award 2026 Essay Category.

And, if you'd like, it would be encouraging if you could also support my challenge for the Creative Award 2026 Essay Category.I would be happy if you could warmly watch over my life, which continues to live while wavering.I am also waiting for your support through likes and comments.Thank you very much for staying with me until here.