Visual Impairment Essay: The Happiness Found Beyond Fear and Anxiety — The Irreplaceable Time Spent Out and About, Gifted by Encounters and Connections

Every time plans to go out approached, I was always hesitant.

I truly have the desire to go.
But more than that, the anxiety of 'Will I be okay?' or 'Will I get exhausted?' was greater.

Honestly, even getting on the train is scary.
I'm still not used to getting on and off, and the fear of what might happen if I fall between the platform and the train just won't go away.

Because I have actually fallen before, even though I know in my head that 'I'll be fine if I'm careful,' my body becomes extremely cautious.
I inevitably end up moving slowly.

Just the other day, it took me too long to get on the subway, and the doors started to close while I was still boarding.
There was a moment where I almost got caught, thinking, 'Don't close them...!'

When you have an experience like that,
it becomes even scarier the next time you ride.

Thinking, 'What if the same thing happens again?'
I become even more cautious, and it takes even more time.

In that way, it felt like the fear was piling up little by little.

I was also anxious about whether I could manage the transfers properly.
I'm already nervous as it is, and each time, it wears down my nerves.

'Maybe we should skip it this time.'
We had that conversation many times.

Even though the plans had been made a long time ago,
I think the me from a little while ago wouldn't have been able to imagine being this hesitant right before the day.

Truthfully, I want to go.
But, I'm scared.

I was constantly wavering between those two feelings.

Thank you for always reading my and Happy-ojo's note.
I'm Natsuko, a consultation support specialist for the visually impaired.

Recently, I've been a bit lazy with my note posts.
I've been tired and there have been days where I couldn't write, but
today there is an episode I really want you all to hear, so I am writing this.

The last post was also a happy report,
and this time, too, there was a happy event that made me think, 'I want to write about this.'

I'm the type who prefers going out over staying still.
Going to various places and meeting various people.
I've always loved that kind of time.

Of course, I don't dislike lounging around at home, but
rather than staying home all the time, I really want to be out.

However, when I first lost my sight,
not being able to go out freely was truly agonizing, and I spent a very difficult time.

And now, once again,
I am spending a period where I feel a pain similar to that time.

Now, it has become difficult to go out alone again,
and I feel frustrated that I cannot go out freely.

But, it's a little different from before.

I know now that if I borrow the strength of helpers, my partner, and various other people,
I can go out.

That is precisely why I hope to enjoy going out, even if it's just a little bit,
while being helped by everyone.

So, today is a story about that kind of 'going out'.

🌸 The Kyoto trip I went on anyway

The Sunday before last, I had a trip to Kyoto that had been planned for a long time.

There was a live performance by my Japanese drum teacher, and I had also planned sightseeing and lunch beforehand, but honestly, I hesitated many times right up until the end, thinking, 'Should I cancel?'

Especially about Kibune Shrine.
There are many stairs, and I thought it might be tough to go with my current vision.

My partner also said, 'You don't have to push yourself, shall we just start from lunch?' but since we had already asked for a guide and it was a place my partner had wanted to go for a long time, I decided to participate in a different way rather than forcing myself to go along.

I had them drop me off early at a cafe near the station where I was meeting my friend, and I decided to wait there leisurely.

Spending that time in a way I can manage right now.
I felt that was the best thing to do.

While I was taking a breather alone at the cafe, my friend arrived a little early, and we chatted a lot from there.

I think that time was really wonderful.
Perhaps, rather than forcing myself to go sightseeing together, that time at the cafe might have been a more important and happy time for me.

After that, we met up and went for lunch.

When I requested that I wanted to eat something typical of Kyoto, they took me to a sushi restaurant that serves pickled vegetables.

Various pickled vegetables were made into individual pieces of nigiri sushi, and it looked beautiful and tasted very delicious.

There was also nama-fu (raw wheat gluten), which my partner loves, and it was a lunch that left us both very satisfied.

After that, we bought some pickles we liked at the shop, and also bought mame-mochi (bean rice cakes) and red bean rice at Demachi Futaba, which is famous in Kyoto.

Since we had reserved in advance, I was grateful that we could buy them immediately without waiting in that long line.

Then, we moved to Chion-in Temple, and finally, the live performance.

Honestly, I was a little anxious about how it would be this time.
Since I can't really see the light and lighting effects now, I wondered if I could enjoy the live performance like I used to.

But once it actually started, that anxiety disappeared immediately.

The power of the sound, the vibrations, the atmosphere.
That alone was enough to immerse me in the world of the live performance.

I felt from the bottom of my heart, 'I'm glad I came after all.'

And what made me happiest of all was being able to meet my friend in person for the first time in about a year.

We had been communicating via phone and LINE, but the time spent talking face-to-face is completely different.

Because she is a friend who has experienced the same illness, there were parts that were understood without needing words, and I was able to naturally talk about my current anxieties and hardships.

It was a time that made me realize once again that 'I am not alone.'

On the train ride there, honestly, I was completely exhausted, and there were moments when I thought, 'Maybe I shouldn't have come,' but

I rested properly at the cafe, recovered little by little, and was able to properly enjoy the time after that.

Not pushing myself too hard.
Choosing a way to spend time that suits me.

Because I was able to do that, I think this outing became a time I could feel 'I'm glad I went.'

🌿 The day I took a step forward again, even though I thought I would stop

On the way home from Kyoto, honestly, I was quite tired.

But strangely, my heart was
filled with a sense of accomplishment that 'I was able to enjoy it properly.'

My body was exhausted, but my feelings were fulfilled.
It was a somewhat strange sensation.

On the train ride there,
there were moments when I thought, 'Maybe I shouldn't have come,' and
in that flow, we had been talking about 'Maybe we should cancel' for the outing planned for the following week.

It's tough to ride the train, and transfers are scary.
If I push myself any further, I might get sick again.

So, should we cancel the next plan?
That atmosphere was almost set in stone.

But what I was feeling on the way home was
the feeling that 'I'm glad I went after all.'

I was able to spend that day, which I had been so anxious about, until the end somehow, and
I was able to think, 'That was fun.'

That it was fine if I took proper breaks along the way.
That I could think it's okay not to try to do everything perfectly.

'If it's in this form, maybe I can go.'

I started to be able to think like that.

Besides, we had already bought the tickets, and
it was an outing I had been looking forward to for a long time, so

'Let's try going one more time after all.'

I was able to rethink it like that.

It's not that the fear disappeared, and
it's not that the anxiety vanished.

But even so, I decided to value the feeling of 'I want to go' just a little bit more.

I think that change in feeling on the way home
led to the next step.

🌸 To the place I had always wanted to go — Ojo and Ghibli Park

And last Sunday, I went on another outing.

The destination was Ghibli Park, which I had wanted to go to for a long time.

Actually, it was an outing we had promised to take a year ago.
I was told they would take me as a graduation gift for graduate school, and it was a place I had been looking forward to for a long time.

That's why, when I thought 'I might not be able to go' with my current eye condition, I was honestly very shocked.
I thought many times, why at this timing?

But somehow my eyes held up, and I was able to go safely.

If I'm being honest, there is still a part of me that wishes I could have gone when I could see a little better.
But since it can't be helped, I decided to enjoy it as I am now, and went out.

And for this outing, there was one more big, grateful thing.

A friend of my partner from university decided to come along,
and what's more, they decided to take us by car from Nagoya Station.

If this had been a flow of getting off the Shinkansen and then transferring again..., honestly, I might have said 'It's impossible.'

When I think about that, I think this environment was truly something to be grateful for.

It was someone I was meeting for the first time, but they were very kind and interacted with me naturally.
Before I knew it, I had settled in so smoothly that it didn't feel like it was the first time we met.

Being able to spend the day in an atmosphere where I could feel at ease was also huge.

And, something I really wanted to fulfill this time.

That was to have Ojo ride the Catbus.

Ojo loves vehicles where she can see the outside scenery and feel the wind.
She likes the deck of a ship, and when we rode a cart taxi at Huis Ten Bosch before, she was looking outside happily the whole time.

I couldn't forget that sight, and
I had always thought, 'I definitely want to let her ride the Catbus at Ghibli Park.'

And finally, that dream came true.

Ojo, riding the fluffy Catbus,
feeling the wind comfortably and enjoying the outside air.

Just watching that sight,
I was happy beyond words.

I thought from the bottom of my heart, 'Ah, I came for this.'

There was certainly anxiety about my vision and the difficulty of moving around.
But more than that, this time felt truly important and irreplaceable.

'I'm glad I came after all.'

It was a time that made me think that.

🌸 A time that didn't feel like the first time, even though we met for the first time — Meeting maki-san

And for this outing, there was one more very happy event.

maki-san, who is a good friend on note,
came to meet me and Ojo with her children.

Because of my physical condition, it was a situation where we didn't know what would happen until the very end, but
I was truly happy that she came to meet us anyway.

This was the first time we actually met in person.

But, strangely enough,
it didn't feel like 'nice to meet you' at all.

It was as if I was spending time with someone I always meet,
and time flowed naturally.

That was very strange, but also very warm.

Ah, this is how we connect, I thought,
and I felt a warm, fuzzy happiness.

And what left the biggest impression on me was
the time Ojo and the children spent together.

I took off her harness,
and let her play with the children,

they gave her treats,
took her for walks together,
and ran around.

Everyone looked truly happy.

Ojo was also wagging her tail,
expressing her happiness with her whole body.

Just watching that sight,
I thought, 'Ah, this kind of time is the happiest.'

If I could see Ojo looking happy and having fun,
that alone was enough to make the day a great success.

I thought from the bottom of my heart, 'I'm glad I came.'

We rode the bus together,
and ate meals.

Each and every moment was truly fun and warm.

The children really cherished Ojo,
and the feeling of 'I love you' was really conveyed.

That, too, made me very happy.

Honestly, I haven't had much experience meeting people I met in the internet world in person like this,
and spending the same time together.

But this time, I was able to feel that it was so natural,
and so comfortable.

'I'm glad I came to meet you.'
'I'm really glad you came.'

It was a time of important encounters that made me think that.

Even though we were supposed to have only met through the screen of SNS,
our hearts were properly connected.

I was made to realize once again that, before I knew it, she had become an important person to me.

And by meeting in real life like this,
I think that connection has become even deeper.

I thought I really have to be grateful to note, which expanded my world and my connections.

🌿 Going out is something I can't give up after all

Through this outing, there is something I thought about again.

Going out is tough after all.

There is fear, there is anxiety, and
honestly, there are moments when I think, 'Maybe I should have stopped.'

It takes physical strength, it's tiring, and
not everything goes smoothly.

But, even so.

Beyond taking that one step,
a warm, fun, and happy time was waiting for me.

Being able to meet important people,
or being able to see Ojo looking happy.

Each and every one of those things
was a time that made me think, 'I'm glad I went.'

Being able to see Ojo looking happy.
That alone is more than enough happiness.

I felt once again that I really do love
the time spent going to various places while connecting with people like this.

I still can't go anywhere by myself.

It's an outing while being helped by my partner, helpers, and various people.

Even so, there are sceneries and times I can encounter precisely because of that.

I thought I want to continue enjoying going out in my own way for now.

There is Golden Week coming up,
and I'll be visiting my parents' home, or going out somewhere again.

Thinking that Ojo will surely walk happily on the rice field paths or roll around, that is also something to look forward to.

When there is fear and anxiety, I tend to shut myself in, but

beyond that one step,
a warm world is properly spreading out.

While being grateful to Ojo, my partner, the helpers, and everyone involved who supports my outings,
I thought I hope I can continue to enjoy going out in my own way.

This time, too, I am full of gratitude to everyone who supported my outing and made it a happy time.

That is why I will continue to.

While holding onto the fear and anxiety,
I still want to take one step at a time.

🌟 Today's recommended article

This time, I will introduce an article by
maki-san (maki@growing up with children daily), who is a good friend on note.

The title of the article is,
'The day I went to meet you'.

This is an article where maki-san writes carefully about that day when she actually came to meet me and Ojo.

'I want to see you, so I'm going to see you'
An action that started from that simple feeling.

But within that, there was consideration for my physical condition and changes in my vision, and
many warm thoughts, such as 'it's okay to go at a pace that isn't forced,' were included.

On the day, instead of deciding the place and time strictly,
the fact that she came to meet us within a flexible promise of 'it would be nice if we could meet.'

And the time she spent with the children interacting with Ojo, and
what she felt during that time, were written very carefully.

It was conveyed that she is cherishing Ojo, and also me,
very much, and my heart felt warm while reading it.

What was especially impressive was
the part where she wrote from experience that a guide dog is not just an existence that guides the way,
but a partner for taking a step forward with peace of mind.

What she saw and felt precisely because we spent time together,
was expressed in very gentle words,

and I myself was able to feel once again, 'Ah, this time was properly conveyed.'

I would be happy if you could read about the events of this outing
from maki-san's perspective as well.

Thank you for reading until the end this time as well.

Actually, I wanted to write this article more timely,
right after the outing, but

going out is fun, but I was properly exhausted, and
the next day I was in a battery-off state all day.

I thought I would write it yesterday, and I wrote it halfway from the morning,
intending to post it in the evening, but
I went down with poor physical condition from the evening.

I felt once again that I still can't push myself.

But, even so.

Going out is an important time for me after all,
and I think it is nourishment for the heart.

Of course, while consulting with my eyes and physical condition,
I think that preventing my heart from breaking is also
one of the important self-cares, so

I hope I can continue to enjoy going out in my own way,
at a slow and leisurely pace.

This outing was
a time where I could feel encounters and connections with many people,

and above all,
I was made to feel once again that seeing Ojo enjoying herself
is the greatest happiness.

There are still many places I want to go with Ojo and things I want to do.

I want to continue going out to various places
with Ojo.

And this year's biggest goal is a trip to Hokkaido.

I haven't decided where to go yet, but
I think it will be my last trip with Ojo, so

I hope I can go out together
to a place Ojo would be happy with.