What you are doing has meaning | To my 10-years-younger self: Happy Writing Marathon #41

If you could give advice to your 10-years-younger self, what would you say?

#KenHonda #HappyWritingMarathon The topic for the 41st session is here:
"Life's meaning only becomes clear when you look back on it."
I truly believe that is the case.

Ten years ago. Me in 2016.

I was surely living each day while holding onto vague, unsettled feelings, yet still unable to let go of hope.

While asking myself how long I would continue this job, I was likely doing my absolute best with whatever came before me.

Back then, I believed that in this workplace, I had to be the one suffering the most.
Having been given the opportunity to change roles from part-time to contract, and then to a full-time employee, I think I was overly conscious of the fact that my position had changed from everyone else, who I felt should have been on the same level as me.

I would work harder than anyone, I would suffer more than anyone, and I would endure more unpleasantness than anyone.
I believed that was my duty now that my position had changed.

Exhausted, heart wounded, lonely, and sad, there were days I would curl up in the corner of the locker room where no one could see me.
There were times when the sound of everyone laughing and having fun felt irritating, and times when I hid the tears that welled up from an unexpected kind word from someone.

At the time, I thought that was the right thing to do, but looking back now, I think I was just anxious.

Anxious about the self that might change because my position had changed and I had gained power.
Anxious about the self that might mistakenly think I had become important or that I was superior.

I was afraid that such a version of me would be exposed to everyone, and that I would be disappointed, despised, or abandoned.

Because I was anxious, I drove myself thoroughly, as if whipping myself, so that there would be no gaps visible to anyone's eyes.

Eventually, in 2018, an event occurred that made me feel there was nothing more I could do, and having gained the opportunity to look inside my heart, I realized for the first time the chains that had been binding me and the way I had been hurting myself.

This suffering was all my own doing...!

That first realization would, over time, bring about a great change in me.

But 10 years ago, it was still the eve before that first realization would arrive.
Life was still in its first half.
Struggling, writhing, yet happiness still wouldn't come.
A dark, dark pre-dawn where no signs of light could be seen.

The many painful experiences would forge me, polish me, and grant me strength and tenacity.
The accumulation of those small actions of mine would eventually connect to invisible bonds with many people.

Those experiences would later become one of my foundations.

The fact that I was hurting myself and binding myself with chains was a stepping stone to realizing that I myself was deeply seeking the exact opposite.

I really wanted to live for myself!
I really wanted to be free!

It is precisely because you have thoroughly experienced the opposite of what you wished for that the feelings which spring up as if rebounding will eventually emerge.

To me, 10 years ago, in 2016.

You might be feeling discouraged because the happiness you expected just isn't coming.
Even so, you probably can't give up hope, you can't stop believing in yourself, and you are taking action every day.

Things are progressing on a much larger scale than you imagine.

I cannot offer you the words you might be expecting right here and now, but what you are doing has meaning.

So, please live your life to the fullest right now.
Please continue to follow through with what you believe in.
I am always by your side, cheering you on.

From me, living on March 13, 2026

Thank you for reading until the end 💐

If you are interested in the Happy Writing Marathon, please check this out.

To everyone who gives me likes, follows, and comments.
It is a great encouragement.
Thank you 🌟

🌿 I used to post on ameblo 🌿
“Reiko Yamazumi: Perceiving Everything as Light”
https://ameblo.jp/reikoyamazumi