Novel: To My Beloved Troubled Days

※Characters

　Lily ... The protagonist. A first-year high school student. She loves Mari-mama and Lo.
　Mari-mama ... Lily's grandmother.
　Lo ... Lily's pet cat. Has gray fur.
　Mari ... Lily's mother. Emotionally unstable due to her husband's infidelity.
　Father ... Lily's father. He cheats and is constantly fighting with Mari.
　Eli ... Lily's friend.
　Reverse ... Lily's friend.

To My Beloved Troubled Days

　Early December. Lily, who had just turned sixteen, cherished her pet cat, Lo. A slightly chubby, cute little thing with gray fur that looked as if someone had dusted black powder over it. When she held Lo on her lap and stroked his chin, he would narrow his eyes and purr happily. While feeling relieved by that sight, Lily had recently been troubled by her parents' discord.

　Fighting isn't just about shouting or hitting. It also has the sin of making the atmosphere in the room chilly. If you happened to open the door and walk into that, you would be frozen solid instantly.
　I hate them. Both my father and my mother. Surely their divorce is just seconds away. Even if marriage follows romance, why do they become a couple that despises each other so much? Still, dramas and movies in the world are overflowing with romance, and magazines highly recommend it too.

　Lily thinks. The people you love aren't necessarily limited to romantic relationships. For example, Mari-mama. Mari-mama is a nickname Lily gave her maternal grandmother when she was little, and she has been allowed to call her that ever since.
　'Mari' is the name of Lily's mother. Grandma is 'Mari's' 'mama', so 'Mari-mama'. Lily loves Mari-mama. Mari-mama usually wears a quiet mask, but sometimes her mischievous true self appears, and Lily knows that when she watches her favorite sports programs, she can't suppress her blood from racing. She stands straight and wears heels, but not ridiculously high ones; she chooses shoes after knowing exactly the height that makes her look best and is easy to walk in so she doesn't trip, which is wonderful. Her clothes are often mysterious, with strangely shaped designs that look like she is only draped in fabric, but when she puts on a coat, the fabric visible from the hem spreads out in all directions like a veil, becoming as beautiful as flower petals, making one gasp. Her reading glasses are like jewelry. Lily loves Mari-mama's calculated fashion.

　She had been feeling unpleasant, but before she knew it, she was immersed in fantasies about Mari-mama's fashion, so when the doorbell rang, she was scared to death. Lo on her lap jumped up too. Two rings, then one. It's Mari-mama. She was happy and tried to go downstairs immediately, but she saw her mother sobbing from the top of the stairs. Her mother was being stroked on the back and comforted by Mari-mama. She looked just like a baby. Lily gave up on going down and returned to her room.

　The reason the fighting had become so constant was because her father had cheated. Moreover, he would leave letters he apparently received from the other woman spread out and forgotten in the living room. Because of her father's carelessness, her mother's pride in having been loved and cherished was torn to shreds. That was when it started. The air in the house began to turn cold. Lily also felt her appetite decrease and had more days where she felt unwell. But there was Lo, Mari-mama, and her friends at school. That's why her feet felt as light as if they had wings when she went to school. It's not an exaggeration to say that with this feeling, she felt she could still go on living.
　She heard a knock on the door.
　"Lily, how are you doing?"
　"Mari-mama!"
　Lily opened the door vigorously and hugged Mari-mama.
　"Oh, Lily, did you change your perfume?"
　"You noticed? I'm so happy. It's a new release from my favorite brand."
　"It's a nice scent. It suits you very well."
　"Would you like to wear it too, Mari-mama?"
　"No. It suits you, Lily, but it's a little too cool for me."
　It was certainly citrusy and not floral-based, so it had a refreshing image rather than a warm one. It made her happy that she colored that with the word 'cool'. Mari-mama didn't deny Lily wearing makeup or wearing perfume like this. Besides, most of the perfumes were samples, and she only bought them with her saved allowance when she found a scent she truly loved. It wasn't parfum, but a lighter eau de toilette. When her mother saw the bottle of this perfume, she said, "This brand is too early for a child." Her mother had never opened the lid and smelled this scent, so she didn't even know this refreshing fragrance. Of course, it is a major brand, but now there are lines for teens that are not too strong and are affordably priced, which are not that different in age from Lily.
　"Hey, Mari-mama. Mom was crying earlier, wasn't she?"
　"You knew? It's tough, isn't it, Mari. What do you think, Lily? I recommended that Mari keep some distance. Mari was worried about you, but I told her she shouldn't use her child as an excuse for their fighting."
　"Thank you. I think they should just get a divorce. Mom is always irritated, and Dad blames me for being lazy just because I'm reading manga. They have no room to spare."
　Mari-mama gently pulled Lily's head toward her.
　"It's rude when Lily hasn't done anything wrong. You are a very good girl."
　The smoothness of the hand stroking her always makes Lily want to cry. She wants to stay wrapped up like this.
　"Hey, Mari-mama. Why do we have to fall in love or get married? Looking at Mom and the others, I can't feel that way at all."
　"Well, that's true. The feeling of excitement is wonderful, isn't it? But that doesn't mean a life without love isn't still a wonderful life. It's just that love sometimes changes into friendship. I think the second half of my and Grandpa's life was friendship. Rather than romantic partners, we were important friends. We each did what we liked, and when we suddenly looked next to us, the other was there, and we wanted to talk about everything first. That kind of relationship."
　"That's the most wonderful thing."
　Lily felt a sense of longing and became a little sentimental. Mari-mama and Grandpa were truly close. She had been overconfident that they would always be together. But Grandpa collapsed from a cerebral hemorrhage a few years ago and passed away. It was too sudden. Mari-mama at that time didn't lose her composure, but with infinitely lonely eyes, she said she knew that saying goodbye to him was near. Lily cannot forget those eyes, which were like clear lakes. Her mother was lonely too. The relationship between Grandpa and Mari-mama was something Lily and her mother both admired.

　Perhaps because her mother shared such pure feelings, Lily couldn't understand why they continued their marital relationship when their feelings for each other had broken down. It's not that she wants her father to come back now, and Lily doesn't like her father enough to get emotional. In other words, she is indifferent. But even though he has another woman he likes and is making her mother suffer, he still comes home. And perhaps because he still feels guilty somewhere, even a normal conversation with her mother immediately leads to suspicion and fighting. She hates that very much. Her father doesn't understand that. Sometimes, perhaps because Lily's cold gaze stings, he says something hollow like, "Home is where I relax the most," but which mouth is saying that?
　"Lily, are you okay?"
　When she realized it, Mari-mama was peering into Lily's face with concern.
　"I'm sorry. Recently, when I'm thinking about things, I sink deep into them. So, it might be an excuse, but falling in love feels like a story from another dimension."
　"...I see."
　Mari-mama said only that solemnly and stroked Lily's hair gently again, and also stroked the head of Lo on Lily's lap.

　"Mari-mama, come again. Promise."
　Lily said this as Mari-mama was leaving, with a face that looked like she was about to cry. Mari-mama wrapped Lily's cheeks with both hands and said with a smile that she would come soon. When they parted at the entrance, she noticed the coldness of the wind. It was already too cold for just a cardigan.

　The next day, at school, the three of them, Lily, her close friend Eli, and Reverse, were planning a Christmas party. Reverse, who is active, had talked to the manager so they could rent out the cafe they always gather at on the day of the party. It's a shop that Lily and the others use when they go to eat ice cream or chat on their way home from school. They were well-acquainted with the manager. There was no way there would be any complaints about this wonderful proposal, and Lily, Eli, and Reverse high-fived unanimously. All that was left was to invite their classmates.

　However, when she returned home and told her mother about the party plans, she was opposed. She said that even if it was during the day, such a gathering was immoral.
　"Why do you jump to conclusions? We won't drink alcohol, and everyone is a very good kid."
　"Lily, aren't you jumping to conclusions by saying they are good kids?"
　"They're my friends!"
　"Don't shout. You're just like your father."
　Her mother held her temples and sighed deeply. What is that? Lily was irritated by that gesture.
　"Fine, I don't want to talk to you. Anyway, I'm going to proceed with the 'wholesome' party plan."
　"Lily, don't be stubborn. I'm worried about you."
　"I'm not being stubborn! I love everyone! Except for you and Dad!"

　Lily ran up the stairs and locked herself in her room.
　It's fine if she doesn't understand, but that was a terrible attitude. Making a face like only she is carrying the burden of worries. Besides, I just said what I really felt, and she said I'm like my father. That's why I ended up throwing words I didn't even want to say at my mother in a tit-for-tat. I don't really think only my mother is bad, and I don't hate her. Lily was filled with sadness and regret, and when she lay face down on the bed and stayed still, Lo played with her soft hair as if to comfort her. Cute Lo.
　"If I ever leave this house, Lo is definitely coming with me."
　She said that to Lo.

　Lily felt the gap between her and her mother deepening. She hadn't properly faced her father for a long time. Every day, the atmosphere in the house was desolate, and it seemed there was no room for Lily. Lily lifted her face and pulled herself together, thinking that her parents' worries were different from her own. She had her own work to do. She was busy with her studies and Christmas plans. Tomorrow, she would go to look for a party dress with Eli. Thinking about that made her excited. Looking forward to it. Contrary to that feeling, she felt tired for some reason that day, left her dinner, and lay down on the bed immediately after bathing. Lo walked over, got on the bed, and snuggled up next to Lily's body.
　"Hey, Lo, I'm thinking of using Mari-mama's younger days as a reference for the dress. I've seen it in an album. It's very wonderful and looks like a model. You like Mari-mama too, right?"
　Lo had already closed his eyes and was dozing off.

　In the morning, Lily had no appetite and couldn't eat more than half of her breakfast, drinking only orange juice. Without looking at her mother's worried face, she opened the entrance door and spoke while fastening the straps of her shoes.
　"I'm going shopping with Eli on the way home from school, so I'll be a little late. Please take care of Lo's food and water."
　"I understand. Don't be too late."
　"Yeah. I'm off."
　She opened the door immediately and left the entrance. There was still a little bit of awkwardness, but she was glad they could talk. However, buying the dress remained a secret.

　Immediately after Lily left the house, a fight had started between her parents. It seemed they had been hiding in the bedroom while Lily was there. Perhaps he didn't want the child to see her father, who had come home in the morning drunk, reeking of strong perfume, and with his clothes disheveled. Mari didn't know how long this state would continue, so she went to the living room and held her head. Mari-mama snuggled up beside her.
　"I'm sick of it. It's no good. If this continues, I'll lose everything. Even my gentle feelings..."
　"Mari, I know it's hard for you, of course. But please think properly about Lily's feelings too. You haven't noticed, but that child's heart is constantly sending out an emergency."
　"Mari-mama, what does that mean?"
　At that moment, they heard the sound of the entrance door opening and her father shouting, "Whoa!"
　"What's going on?"
　When Mari looked at the window for just a moment, she was shocked to see a familiar back view. Lo was outside.
　"You, if you're nearby, catch Lo!"
　However, there was no way he could match a cat's speed, and her father was in a state of surrender. The reason Lo got outside was because her father had opened the entrance door without checking for Lo. Lo, who had lived in the house since he was born, knew nothing of the outside world. And Mari had just been asked by Lily to take care of Lo.
　"It's okay. Cats have a homing instinct. He'll be back soon."
　"Are you saying the same thing about Lily?"
　"Are you putting the cat and our daughter in the same category?"
　Mari-mama looked sternly at the two, who turned every word into a quarrel and left their daughter aside.

　Lily and Eli went around looking at many shops. The dress with beautiful fabric like butterfly wings that Mari-mama would wear was expensive, so she couldn't afford it, and she sighed inwardly. On the way, they stopped at a cafe to drink milk tea, chatted, and went out to look for a dress again. They couldn't find a dress that clicked, so Eli, who had already decided on hers, helped her look. That Eli tapped Lily on the shoulder.
　"The dress is nice, but how about this? It suits you, Lily."
　What Eli recommended to Lily was a shawl with a very delicate construction. It was a pale green color, just like Mari-mama's deep, clear eyes. The fabric was woven with glittering threads and was very beautiful.
　"Beautiful..."
　With a voice like a sigh, Lily touched the shawl gently. It was a bit pricey, but she felt it was fate, and thanking Eli for finding it, she bought the shawl. She lowered the conditions for the dress a little because of that, but she was satisfied. The two walked outside a little while wearing the dresses they had just bought. It also went well with the slightly high-heeled strap shoes. Lily felt her heart lighten for the first time in a while.

　At that moment, a gray cat that looked very much like Lo ran across the road opposite. No way, he couldn't be in a place like this. She thought so, but she had a premonition, so she borrowed Eli's phone and called home.
　"Lily? It's Eli-chan's phone, right? What's wrong?"
　Her mother was surprised.
　"...Eh, why? Is it a hunch? You know, he got outside. It's okay, I'm sure he'll get scared and come back soon. More than that, you should be home at a proper early time."
　Lily hung up the phone in the middle. When she told Eli the situation, she said she would help look, but dusk was approaching, and it was getting dark. Lily made a smile, told Eli her mother's words just as they were to reassure her, said let's go home for today, and decided to part with Eli and look by herself.
　"Lo, don't leave me behind."
　Lily entered the narrow alley where the cat that looked like Lo had disappeared.
　At home, it was just her mother and Mari-mama. Her father, because he was at fault, had left the house saying he would take a walk and look for Lo. The two were clinging to the window, looking for Lo. Earlier, they had taken Lo's favorite treats outside the house and called his name, but in a time zone with so much traffic of cars and people, he probably wouldn't come out because he was scared. When she suddenly looked at the clock, it was past 20:00. It was too late for Lily to be out. Lily didn't have a mobile phone.

　"Mari. Contact the cafe Lily often goes to. If she's not there, call her close friends' houses."
　Mari-mama said in a firm tone. The cafe was already after Lily and the others had left. She immediately took out the school contact book and called Lily's friends' houses one after another.
　Lily was all alone, crouching in the back alley.

　Perhaps it was because she hadn't been eating properly lately. She suddenly became anemic and felt sick. She found the entrance of an apartment where no one was, went inside, and couldn't overcome the feeling of being unwell, so she lay down on the old wooden floor. She held only the shawl to her chest so it wouldn't stick to the floor. When she lay on her back like that, a small skylight was open, and she could see several stars.
　"Lo, where are you? Don't leave me alone. Take me with you too."
　Lily lost consciousness while muttering. The winter wind is cold.
　In Lily's dream, an old woman who looked very much like Mari-mama was walking, and a cat like Lo was following behind her.

　"Mari-mama? Lo?"
　Lily asked. The person who looked like Mari-mama turned around and smiled.
　"That dress and shawl are wonderful. They suit you very well."
　"Thank you! Mari-mama, you were with Lo, weren't you?"
　"That's right. We have to go home soon."
　Lily hugged Mari-mama.
　"I want to be with Mari-mama. I don't want to go home. No. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm scared that life will continue from here on."
　"Lily, are you serious?"
　"I'm serious."
　"Then, let's start with you going home first. It's okay, I'll go with you too."
　"Thank you, Mari-mama."
　Mari-mama reached out her hand. Why was it, Mari-mama's hand was transparent. As she looked at the hand vaguely, in the blink of an eye, Lily was in her own bed in her room. When she immediately raised her upper body, she felt dizzy and was about to fall off the bed, and Mari-mama supported her.
　"...Is this a dream?"

　"Well, which one is it? Are you okay?"
　"I'm a little dizzy."
　"Lily, will you live with me?"
　Lily lifted her face and looked at Mari-mama as if clinging to her.
　"Mari-mama, I'm happy. I'm so happy. I can take Lo with me, right?"
　"I'm sorry, but I can't do that."
　"Why?"
　"I can't tell you the details, but Lo is impossible."
　Lily lowered her eyes and thought for a while, but eventually looked straight at Mari-mama.
　"I want to make at least Lo happy. I don't want to let this child have the same lonely experience as me. So I'll give up on living with Mari-mama..."
　For Lily, it was such a complex emotion that her voice trailed off at the end of the sentence.
　"You're a good girl."
　Saying that, Mari-mama stroked her hair gently as usual.
　"Lily, I like your way of thinking. Life is a series of choices. You might get tired from thinking too much sometimes, but when that happens, it's okay to throw everything away and rest your body. During that time, it's your time to wash. Once you finish washing and become brand new, it's a repetition of choices again. But I think if there is a place where you can relax even a little in the midst of such a life, it would be so comforting. So, please cherish the things that give your heart peace. You, who care about Lo and your friends, are making wonderful choices."
　Lily took Mari-mama's words into her heart like a prayer. The hand stroking her hair still showed the scenery on the other side through it, so when Lily was about to ask a question, her field of vision was blocked.
　It was indeed a dream that she was at home.

　Lily was on the same floor as before. Her body was completely cold, and she had chills. But thanks to sleeping a little, the dizziness subsided, and she was able to move her body. Anyway, let's go back home. The back alley had few lights, and it was hard to see and scary. On top of that, she didn't know how to get home. Goosebumps broke out all over Lily's body. On the way, she almost slipped and fell many times because of the soles of her shoes. She had to aim for a place that was even a little brighter.
　Then, a glow like Lo's tail appeared in Lily's anxious eyes, moving swayingly as if to beckon her. Lily didn't understand, but she still followed that light that looked like a tail. Then, a familiar street corner appeared, and when she turned there, Lily's house was there. Her father and mother were both standing at the entrance. She thought it was the best dream of the day.
　"Lily! Where on earth were you!"
　For a moment, thinking she would be scolded, Lily shrank back. However, both of them hugged Lily tightly.
　"...Mom, Dad, is this a dream?"
　"Don't be silly, it's not a dream."
　"That's right, we were so worried."
　Lily heard their voices gently and clearly in her ears.
　Later, it was found that she had a fever, and days of lying in bed continued for a while. The true identity of the phantom-like light that guided Lily home that day remained unknown. Lo returned shortly after Lily returned home. Perhaps he had wandered around many places, as he had spiderwebs all over his body. Lily hugged Lo in her arms and said many times, "You're a good boy. Thank you for coming back." Lo was trembling in Lily's arms.

　After Lily's condition settled down, when she heard the story from her mother, it seemed that both her father and mother were very surprised to see Lily in her dress when she came running. They said she looked exactly like Mari-mama when she was young. And Mari-mama, who had always cherished Lily, had passed away shortly after Grandpa died, as if following him. It had already been a few years. Mari-mama only appeared before her unstable mother. But before she knew it, she became visible to Lily, and on top of that, she knew the fact that she had forgotten that Mari-mama had died, which she thought was dangerous. So she conveyed it as a warning to her own daughter, Lily's mother, Mari. That warning also needed to be understood by her father. Her father was astonished because his mother-in-law, who had passed away, suddenly appeared before him, but "Pull yourself together. If you lose Lily, you will have a huge regret that won't end with just a fight over an affair." Hearing these words, the fear of Mari-mama appearing instantly blew away from her father. It was precisely because it was Mari-mama, who shouldn't be there, that it had credibility. Mari-mama's strict love united her parents for a short time.

　Thinking about it, Lily, who had lost her appetite and had lowered resistance, had even caused anemia and fever, but when she started to take nutrition because of this incident, she naturally remembered that Mari-mama was no longer a person of this world. That's why the time she spent with Mari-mama is strange when I think about it now. But it wasn't scary at all, and she hadn't spent her time vaguely in a phantom. That's why she named the shining days with Mari-mama 'True Dream'. Shortly after that, her parents' divorce was decided, and Lily chose to live with her mother of her own will. And Lily suddenly remembers. The words Mari-mama carved into her heart in the 'True Dream'. Life is a series of choices. Just thinking about that makes her body feel heavy, but as Mari-mama said, she decided to live while resting little by little.

　Since that day she ran away, there had been a small change in Lo too. He sleeps soundly in his favorite place as usual, but if she accidentally touches his body suddenly, he is surprised and reacts agilely in an instant. However, when he realizes the other person is Lily, he immediately makes a relieved face and returns to the continuation of his sleep. When she touches him softly once more, this time he lets her stroke him quietly. That looks heartbreaking to Lily.

　"You were scared, weren't you? I was scared too."
　Tears overflowed in Lily's eyes, and they were trembling like stars that were barely held by surface tension and were about to flow at any moment.
　"Lo, I'm happy you came back."
　―― Lily, the same can be said for you.

　You looked so fragile that I really thought about taking you with me. But you never abandoned Lo. Of course, I was lonely, but the happiness was greater. May the young you never have to experience taking my hand again.
　She felt like she heard Mari-mama's voice as if the air was shaking from afar, and when she moved her eyes, tears spilled at that moment. The humidity in the room rose slightly with Lily's warm tears, and the perfume evaporated. The scent that Mari-mama said suited Lily. Her face started to flush, so she opened the window narrowly so Lo couldn't get out and looked at the stars. Lily's breath blurred white and disappeared. She saw another white breath melting next to it.

《 The End 》

First published 2016-11-22
Revised 2024-12-20

Afterword

Because the characters' names overlapped with the 'ra' row, I wrote out the characters, which is rare, to make it easy to understand. It's a work I wrote in 2016, but I wanted to read a gentle story even though there is an inescapable reality, so I dug it up. It has already been published, but I think it's not very well known, including to myself (am I being self-conscious?)
The year 2016 was a time when I was announcing many works one after another personally in the circle I belonged to at the time, so my input couldn't keep up with my output, and I was writing while thinking, 'This is the end...!', but reading it now, it didn't seem like such an urgent novel. I hope you will read it. And to everyone who has read this far, thank you very much.

Kayuri Kosaka😸

Photo : Taylor Marie Hill