Clawing My Way Out of Panic Disorder (2) My Symptoms and Daily Life Constraints

My symptoms were exclusively about 'needing to go to the bathroom'.
The first thing I struggled with was the train.
I would get on the train, and the moment the doors closed, I'd think, 'Oh no, I might need to go to the bathroom,' and my heart would start pounding until the next station.
Even if I had gone to the bathroom before leaving the house and again before getting on the train, the moment the train doors closed, my chest would tighten with the thought, 'Bathroom!'

I would think, 'I absolutely have to get off at the next station,' and I would get off to go to the station restroom.
But nothing would happen.
I'd think, 'Huh?'
Even though the urge to 'go to the bathroom' hadn't been vague—it had been so sudden that I felt like I was going to have an accident.

Even when I got on the next train, the moment the doors closed, I would feel the urge again.
Between stations, I felt such a sense of urgency that I wanted to grab onto the stranger sitting next to me and beg for help.

So, I started choosing train cars that had restrooms and positioning myself right in front of them.
But on morning commuter trains, there are people who stay in there like it's their own private room, and it's somehow hard to use the restroom on a moving train.

My commute to school took an hour and a half if the transfers went smoothly using the rapid train.
Since the distance between stations on the rapid train was too long for me to endure, I switched to local trains.
It was 31 stations in total from my house to school.
On really bad days, I would get off at every single station.
Just getting off the train didn't stop the urge to urinate; I absolutely had to go to a restroom.
Once I was in a stall, the urge would subside even if I didn't actually go.
Honestly, it was a hassle and took a lot of time.
The time I left the house got earlier and earlier, until I was catching the train in the 5 o'clock hour.
I was spending four hours on a one-way trip that should have taken an hour and a half.

I would also get up to go to the bathroom many times during class.
Eventually, a teacher even pointed it out, saying, 'You should go during your break.'

I couldn't ride in cars either.
I visited my grandparents' grave three times a year, a four-hour trip one way.
Even when my father tried to choose times when the roads were empty and we left in the middle of the night, it was no use.
I was at the point where I wanted him to stop at every single parking area.
If the car got stuck in traffic, I would start acting out even on regular roads.
If we were on the highway, I felt such terror and panic that I might open the door and jump out.
What is this?

Something was clearly wrong with me mentally.
I knew it wasn't a physical ailment.

My family was also confused.
'Are you mentally unstable?'
'Mental illness is just a sign of your weakness and self-indulgence.'
My parents, who were mentally tough, would sometimes encourage me by saying, 'Hang in there,' but basically, they kept pointing out my weaknesses.

Honestly, I myself used to think that people who suffered from depression or mental illness were just 'a matter of mindset.'
I felt pathetic and blamed myself for becoming one of those people who suffer from mental illness.

I couldn't go to the movie theater.
I couldn't go to the hair salon.
I couldn't take exams because I couldn't handle places where I knew I 'couldn't leave right now.'
The president of the design company where I was interning had told me, 'You can work for us after you graduate,' so at first I thought that would be fine, but then they said I would stay on as a part-timer rather than a full-time employee. I didn't want to go to vocational school only to end up as a part-timer after graduation, so I told the school.
I had an interview scheduled for one company the day before graduation.
But I was truly depressed.

I went into the interview having decided, 'Needing to go to the bathroom is nothing to be ashamed of. If I really can't hold it, I won't be embarrassed to tell them.'
I only interviewed at that one company.
But they hired me.
I barely even made it to my graduation ceremony.

When I'm in a situation where I can go to the bathroom whenever I want, I almost never feel the need to go.
It's almost infuriating how I don't feel the need to go.

Even after I started working, meetings with clients were truly impossible.
Every time, I made up my mind to 'definitely say something if I need to go to the bathroom,' and I would go into the meeting without drinking anything since the morning and having gone to the bathroom right before.
There were days when it was truly impossible, and other times when I could get through it by convincing myself that I had 'gone right before.'
I even told my senior at work, 'The moment I think I can't go, I suddenly need to,' and I lived my life by bluffing my way through.

Even when I searched online for things like 'frequent urge to use the bathroom,' only things like 'pollakiuria' or 'brain malfunction' would come up.
Even so, there were days when I felt calmer after telling myself, 'This is a brain malfunction.'

After suffering for nearly a year.
One day, I found a book stacked on a table at a bookstore and learned what this symptom was.
That book is this one ↓

From here, the next phase begins.
I'll share what I tried and my journey to overcoming it next time.