Why I get frustrated when I don't know when my husband will be home

It's been over a year and a half since I gave birth, but for the past few months, my irritability, especially around my period, has been terrible. And most of the cause is my husband (sorry about that).

Now that this month's wave has settled, I'd like to analyze it calmly.

First, here is what our life looks like from the evening onwards.

【Me】
I finish work and go to pick up our child from daycare. Once we get home, I first prepare the child's meal, and (if there's something to eat) I eat dinner with them. Then I clear the dishes, run the dishwasher, do the laundry, take a bath together, and put them to bed...
I do this non-stop between 6:00 PM and 8:00 PM while being pulled by the hand saying 'Look at this with me!', having water from a cup spilled on me, or being cried at because they want to watch more TV.

【Husband】
After coming home, he folds the clothes that dried the day before and hangs up today's laundry. He washes dishes that couldn't be washed in the dishwasher the day before or didn't fit. If necessary, he sets the rice in the rice cooker (pre-washed rice).

...The fact that I wrote '(pre-washed rice)' shows how much my frustration with my husband is seeping through (lol).

Perhaps the root of everything is a sense of inequality.

For starters, I'm the only one working shorter hours,
(I know I should be grateful to my family and workplace for the fact that I get to spend that time with my child, and that it's more valuable than work...)
I get a little annoyed that my husband never has to clean up the mess in terms of time, and that piles up into a big black vortex that makes my heart sink.

Because I do most of the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups,
In the morning, 'If preparations are delayed, I'll be late for work'
At night, 'If I don't get dinner, bath, and brushing teeth done smoothly, bedtime will be late'
Both morning and night, the feeling of 'I want to get housework done, but I have to try not to let them watch too much TV' makes my sense of urgency even stronger.

This might be normal when raising children, but living every day feeling this kind of pressure is hard for me.

(A question also arises: does my husband really prioritize getting the child to sleep as early as possible? Is he trying to make an effort not to let them watch too much TV?)

What I realized after cooking for myself for the first time in a while

The stress I've written about up to this point exploded, and I once told my husband something like, 'I'm wondering if we can keep going as a married couple in this state.' (I think that wasn't my true feeling now).

Then the other day, my husband said he would come home early, so for the first time in a while, I made dinner like we used to before the child was born. This was a day of really good luck, and it only happened because the child was unusually playing alone or watching TV.

Then, seeing my husband eating the food I made, I felt like my heart calmed down somehow.

I am truly helped by eating out and takeout, and it's delicious, but for the sake of health and our household budget, I actually want to cook for myself, and after all, eating food I made myself fills my heart.

Come to think of it, since the child was born, I have rarely stood in the kitchen for meals other than baby food. It's not that I really love cooking in the first place, but I was reminded of what a luxury it is to have the time to buy ingredients, cut, boil, season, and cook for myself and my husband.

Summary

The reason 'I get frustrated when I don't know when my husband will be home' is likely based on the accumulation of the following three things, and on top of that,
'I'm living my life by the minute, yet you don't even know when your work will end!'
'At least decide in advance whether you're going to eat dinner at home!' are problems where anger is easily concentrated.

① A sense of inequality that only my husband is not bound by time
(Since there is no daycare pick-up, he can work as much as he wants, he doesn't have to do housework while thinking 'I have to get the child to sleep by X o'clock!', and he doesn't currently do morning drop-offs)

② The stress of having to always be mindful of time while things don't go as planned, feeling like I can't do the things I want to do even though they are piling up, and that state continuing every day without a break

③ The desire to eat home-cooked meals if possible (for both health and budget reasons) and wanting my husband to eat them too

→ I feel that realizing the third point, 'I actually want to cook for myself,' was especially significant.

My husband must be doing the remaining chores while pushing himself through his own physical and mental exhaustion.
In truth, I also want to cook my own meals and eat with my husband.

Even though we live in the same house, perhaps 'the grass looks greener on the other side.'
When I feel frustrated, I want to reread this article to calm my mind. By the way, we currently use a shared calendar app where he registers his arrival times up to two weeks in advance, and I have reached a point where he can handle daycare pickup once a week.
While it is difficult to eliminate all feelings of inequality, I want to go about my daily life without forgetting to be grateful.

#Diary #Childcare #SoloParenting #DualIncome