In My 30s

A year and two months have passed since I entered my 30s.
While nothing has changed drastically, there have certainly been shifts.

Music Program Rankings

Ever since I was a student, I always thought music program rankings were a waste of time.
They were the rankings I wanted to skip because I was just waiting for the artists I knew were performing in the opening.

That was because I already knew all the popular and famous songs in the rankings. Even after I entered the workforce, that didn't change; because I worked in the wedding industry, I was naturally well-versed in songs, from love songs to whatever the bride and groom happened to like.

Now that I am a 31-year-old housewife.
The other day, while I was cleaning up with a recorded music program's "2024 Karaoke Ranking" playing in the background, I was surprised to find myself taking notes and watching with intense focus.
I didn't know any of them. On top of that, there were so many good-sounding songs playing. I don't watch YouTube or TikTok, so when I watch music programs like this occasionally, they are packed with a mountain of new information. It was so much fun. I have to laugh at myself.
I thought, this is what it's like to be on the way to becoming an old lady. Being an old lady must be fun. It's annoying when my own mother tries to explain things I already know from scratch with excitement, but I've started to understand the feeling a little bit.
Since then, I've watched the PV for Snow Man's "Empire" repeatedly because it was cool, and I even finally took a peek at TikTok.
But this won't last long for me. I don't have the energy for it. So, I'll rely on the rankings again after a while. Were those rankings I thought were a waste of time back then actually there for my future self 10 years later?

That is whyit is better not to say anything definitively.That is my recent motto.

Lightning on my heels

Another change in my 30s is that I can get lightning bolt embroidery on my heels.

I know you probably don't know what I'm talking about, but one day I was surprised to find embroidery on my heels when I touched them for some reason.

I had thought they were getting wrinkled or that I had a hangnail occasionally, but the next stage was lightning embroidery. Clearly defined, hard-feeling wrinkles. It's beyond sad; it's actually kind of cute.

If there were an age-based version of the game where you guess exactly 10 seconds without looking at a stopwatch,
I feel like I could touch my heel and guess, "I'm in my 30s now!" There is no such game.

It's cute for now, but I am worried about my heels in my 80s. They look like they might hurt and make it hard to walk. I wonder if there is a way to get rid of this embroidery and make them smooth while I still can.

The conflict between being fine alone and wanting to belong

The third thing is my social life. Since around high school, I started to think I might like being alone, and I would walk for an hour one way to go shopping without using a bicycle. But that was only for brief moments of solitude, with the premise that I spent time with friends normally.

It's a little different now. I feel like the presence of my high school friends is shifting into that of family. I still need my old friends, but I might not need mom friends or new friends. I'll avoid saying that definitively because this might change too. Even so, because of the security of having family at home, I feel like I'm fine being alone outside.

When I go to my child's kindergarten events, I'm surprised at how everyone forms groups. People who came alone find their own groups as if it's the most natural thing in the world and join in, saying, "Oh, so this is where you were!" Since there are many events on weekdays, mothers often come alone. The people around me are all in groups, having lively conversations. I'm always standing there all by myself, not even looking at my phone. There are other people like me, standing alone, sandwiched between groups.

I don't know what I'm fighting against, but I stand there thinking about having better posture than anyone else in the room.

[I am not bad at making friends; I can probably approach people myself if I feel like I want to get to know them, and right now I am exploring the necessity of mom friends.] I feel like putting a sign on my back that says that. I don't think of myself as pathetic, but it seems I do have a desire not to be thought of as pathetic.

From my student days through my 20s, I experienced various conflicts typical of girls. Naturally, my circle of friends also shrank. Based on those experiences, I imagine that being in a group of moms would be difficult. Things like not being able to leave once you join, or feeling obligated to buy something if it's recommended to you.

Even so, I haven't quite reached the point of wanting to be completely alone.
I think there must be a sense of security in belonging to a group. If there's drama, I'd rather be alone, but if it's comfortable, I envy those in groups. Because I'm a sensitive person, I can't just mingle aimlessly. It feels like a gamble.

Honestly, when I first gave birth, I didn't think I would end up being the one on the sidelines, but I'm surprised to find that I don't actually mind being alone that much.

Embracing my younger self

In my 20s, I still felt like I could somehow turn everything around, so I couldn't accept many things. My relationship with my parents, my own values, the fact that I couldn't tidy up, or that I grew up in a messy house.
In my 30s, rather than struggling to change, I want to use this time to accept those things and embrace myself. If possible, I want to become the person I admire, but there are reasons why I can't, and many of them stem from 30 years of accumulation. Instead of forcing myself to be able to do things, I want to accept that it's okay if I can't. I want to build up from that foundation. There are times when I envy my own children. At those times, to get rid of that feeling of envy, I want to praise myself and say I did my best. I don't want to be too pessimistic; I want to believe that my childhood wasn't actually that bad.

When I turn 39, will I feel more changes or a greater sense of being an adult than I do now?

In order to make my 40s even better,
I want to cherish my 30s.