Do you have a 'place' where you feel at ease?

Everyone lives with the desire to
be loved.

That is neither selfishness nor weakness, but a perfectly natural human feeling.

However, when that is not fulfilled, people begin to think the following.

—At the very least, I want to be acknowledged.

This feeling of wanting to be acknowledged, or what is known as the need for approval, is actually

a survival instinct hardwired into the brain.

It is also a very important 'function' for living without becoming isolated in society while confirming one's own place.

| A place to belong.

The term 'need for approval' has a somewhat negative ring to it.

・Caring too much about evaluation
・Always chasing the eyes of others
・Having a strong need for approval

These things are often said.

But the true nature of the need for approval is not a desire for some special praise.

At a deeper level, it is simply
searching for a place where you can feel at ease and know you are allowed to be.

Everyone needs a place where they are not excluded, not abandoned, and where they can feel that 'I am allowed to be here.'

That is neither selfishness nor dependency, but a perfectly natural human feeling.

Am I allowed to be here?
Am I allowed to exist in this society?

It is an
extremely human verification process to confirm that.

The need for approval itself is not the problem. Problems tend to arise when the self-esteem that supports it is

unstable.

| Malfunction.

Self-esteem is 'the feeling of not completely denying oneself, even when things are not going well.'

When this is somewhat stable, the need for approval becomes a 'supplementary role'.

It is nice to be acknowledged.
But you can still stand tall even if you are not.

On the other hand, if your self-esteem is weak,
the need for approvaleasily becomes a lifeline.

Not being acknowledged = having no value
No reaction = not existing

In that way,
your senses become linked in an extreme manner.

Here, peoplemalfunction.

| Being mean.

There is a very easy-to-understand example.

Being mean to the person you like.

Deep down, you want to be liked.
Deep down, you want to get along.

But,
not knowing how to interact,
not knowing how to express your feelings,
results in the 'opposite behavior' coming out.

This is not because your heart is twisted.
It is not because you have a bad personality either.

It is just that
you have lost sight of the outlet for your desires.

The need for approval itself is normal.
But the form it takes when it surfaces is misaligned.

Even when you become an adult,
this structurehardly changes.

It just takes on different forms,
and the same thing is happening within work, evaluations, numbers, social media, and comparisons.

| Stimulation.

When your self-esteem is wavering,
people unconsciously seek easy-to-understand approval.

・Immediate reactions
・Evaluations visible in numbers
・Metrics that are easy to compare

All of these are
stimuli that temporarily supplement a sense of security.

That is why you end up seeking stimulation.

"Try to reduce stimulation."
"Try not to let it bother you."

It is natural to feel distressed when told things like that.

That is because
it feels like having
what you were relying on suddenly taken away.

| Another path.

Here, I would like to talk a little bit about philosophy.

The ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus
had this perspective on "pleasure."

Happiness is not about increasing stimulation.
Reducing anxiety is the path to getting closer to happiness,he said.

He did not deny the desire for approval itself,
but viewed a state not swayed by excessive stimulation
as a quiet form of happiness.

If you

・are tired from chasing stimulation
・feel anxious when not recognized
・feel unsettled despite your hard work

If you have those feelings,
it is not because you have a weak will.

As a mechanism of being human,
it is a very natural reaction.

| Summary

The desire for approval is
a necessary function for living.

However, if your self-esteem remains unstable,
it becomes prone to malfunctioning.

Epicurus
did not try to force that malfunction to stop, but
showed a path to restore balance by reducing stimulation.

Reduce unnecessary stimulation.
As a hint for that,
there is the concept of the "three types of happiness."

I have written about that
in a bit more detail in this article. ↓↓