A Perspective for Noticing “20-Point Efforts”: Practical Tips for Supporting Children [May 8, 2025]

Not perfect, but trying hard. Why not focus on those “efforts in progress”?

When you find yourself thinking, “They couldn't do it again...”

In parenting or providing support, are there moments when you feel this way?

“They forgot their things again...”
“They won't do it properly...”
“I told them this before...”

Of course, it is natural to feel troubled or worried.
However, if you shift your perspective just a little and re-examine things by asking, “How far has this child managed to try right now?”, you might see something new.

Today’s story is about shining a light on those “efforts in progress.”

Let’s focus on “Not perfect, but trying”

There are many things in children’s behavior that cannot be divided into black and white.

Things you thought were “not done” are actually...

• They didn't finish all their homework, but they did open their school bag.
• They aren't good at brushing their teeth, but they are holding the toothbrush themselves.
• They run around at the supermarket, but they can sit in the cart if they are with Dad.

I often call these behaviors “20 to 50-point efforts”.

Not “not done,” but “in the process of doing”

“Why does my child get scolded for the same thing every day?”

What I tell parents who are struggling with this is:

**“This child is still ‘in the process of learning how to do it.’”** That is the perspective.

Just as we adults might fail at a diet after three days or struggle to keep a household budget, “being able to” and “actually doing” are two different things.

If you only focus on the parts that are “not done,” it becomes painful for both the child and the adult.

Let’s try looking for “what is being done”

For example, try to find these kinds of behaviors in your child:

• In the morning, they were trying to wash their face by themselves.
• They reached out to try and tidy up their toys.
• Before yelling “No!”, they looked away and tried to hold it in.

They may not be 100-point actions.
However, within them, you can clearly see signs of 'trying,' 'being careful,' and 'making an effort.'

Give a Name to Actions That Are 'In the Process of Trying'

I recommend giving names to these kinds of actions, such as 'one more step of effort' or 'effort in progress'.

By giving them a name, both children and adults can realize that 'this is a meaningful action.'

For example—

“You opened your school bag. Well done!”
“You were almost able to brush your teeth. So close!”
“I noticed you were about to get angry, but you held it in.”

Just by having this kind of encouragement, children can feel the sense of accomplishment that they are 'trying their best.'

Focus on 'Ways to Keep Trying' Rather Than 'Getting to 100 Points'

When a child stops 'one step short,' it doesn't mean they lack motivation.
Perhaps there is some 'difficulty' such as:

・The environment isn't set up well
・They don't know how to do it
・The timing of the encouragement isn't right

There might be some 'difficulty' involved.

From a support perspective, there are actually many things that can be done first by the surroundings rather than the individual changing.

Let's Think Together: 'How Can We Make It Easier?'

Sometimes, this kind of approach is effective:

“Was this way of doing it difficult?”
“How much do you think you can do?”
“If anything comes up, let me know anytime.”

An approach that is more like a 'consultation' than an 'instruction' also leads to building a relationship of trust with the child.

The Start of Support Is Through Discovery and Awareness

A parent once told me this.

That realization leads to both acknowledging the child's efforts and not blaming oneself too much.

📝 Summary of this article

・It doesn't have to be "100 points." Let's focus on the "effort from 20 to 50 points."
・Think of it not as "not done yet," but as "in the process of being done."
・Even small actions hide evidence of effort.
・Let's name the child's actions and tell them about it.
・You can bring out a child's potential through adjustments in the environment and creative approaches by those around them.

🌱 A word from Pino-sensei

Rather than parenting or support that aims for 100 points,
an approach that finds and nurtures the "effort from 20 to 50 points"
is much easier and much richer for both children and adults.

If you'd like, please tell me about the "effort in progress" you've noticed recently.
I would also be very happy if you could leave a like or a comment.🌸

▶ Pino-sensei (Licensed Psychologist / Clinical Psychologist)
Over 15 years of experience in developmental support. Delivering "words and tips to make support and parenting a little easier" from the fields of childcare, education, and welfare.