People of Lack, People of Plenty

I come from a place of lack.

I was taught that way of thinking a few years ago.
People of lack act from a state of "not enough."
They act from "not having." They try to fill the void.
People of plenty act from a state of "enough."
It's acting from a place of fulfillment, isn't it?
To put it simply, that's about it.

I always felt like something was "missing."
At the root of it,
I think it's the experience of "not having money" when I was a child.
Even saying I didn't have it,
it was just that the three of us siblings couldn't do some of the extracurricular activities we wanted,
but it runs deep.
Should I let go of this obsession?

I envied people who were fulfilled,
people who took action from a state of being satisfied.

I lived my life playing the victim, lamenting things I couldn't change,
thinking it was unfair that how you're raised as a child changes everything.

If it stems from childhood experiences,
I felt like there was nothing I could do, and I became reckless,
completely trapped in that automatic thought process.

But that has changed recently.
Oh, I'm starting to become a person of plenty.
There are many signs that make me think so.
It's more like I've realized it, rather than becoming a person of plenty.

I think it's also because
I feel like I've been filled from the foundation of my body
through nutrition and the pill.

That "not enough" feeling
might have been
that I wasn't getting enough nutrition.

I used to be skin and bones
and had a small appetite.
I deeply realize
that food is important.

And, I used to resent
my own upbringing.
Why do I have to go through this!?
I'll never let myself be happy! I thought.
A person of lack? There's no way I can change,
because it's something that took root when I was a child.

And so,
I kept choosing not to change, kept choosing the same beliefs.
I ignored my own faults,
blamed those around me for not changing even though I wanted to,
and blamed my environment and family.

No matter what others say,
or what expensive courses I take,
if I hold onto beliefs that don't change, I won't change.
Even though I knew that,
I cherished the very thing I needed to change most,
adopted only superficial, pleasant-sounding things,
felt satisfied with the "feeling of having done something," then felt unsatisfied again,
and just kept moving from one thing to the next.

While doing various things, I was troubled by my inability to change.
I was seriously worried about how I could bridge the gap
between the person of lack I was and the person of plenty.

On the surface, I gained sparkling, fresh ideas,
stepped into a new world,
and for a while, it looked like the world had changed.
But
I would return to how I was.

That's how amazing the "power of belief" is.

People who can't change no matter what they do
should take a moment to look back and reflect on the power of their own belief.

And, I was quite stubborn too, but
the 100-day note consecutive posting challenge was the trigger,
and the "direction of my belief" shifted just a little.

"Wait? I was able to do it."
"I can change."

In that way,
through my own steady efforts,
I succeeded in taking back control of my own steering.

It started as something very small.

In truth,
perhaps I just wanted to obtain it through my own efforts.
To savor this,
I may have spent 37 years desperately
living with a cynical heart.

How great an impact this small change
will have on this life.

Given my nature,
even if I am a dreamer,
I believe I am the type who can act with feet firmly on the ground,
so I hope to move forward
while occasionally stopping to check on myself.