Regardless of anything. I am satisfied with who I am now.

You're lucky, aren't you? You don't have to be with me 24/7.

This is something I often thought about others when I was in my 20s.
Exhausted by my own raging emotions, I was so incredibly envious of others. I have to be with myself 24/7. I have to deal with this person (myself) forever until I die. What is this hell? A punishment game?

Ah, if only I could close my eyes like this and just die.

I don't know how many times I fell asleep thinking that.
Just remembering it makes my heart ache.

While somewhat objectively observing my raging self like that,
I have lived with "the outrageous person that is me" for nearly 40 years.
Getting older is amazing, isn't it?
It's little by little, but
I have gradually become more rounded, relaxed, and calm.

Surprisingly,
Right now, although I have various longings and worries,
"I'm fine as I am, I'm satisfied with who I am now"
is what I'm thinking, and on top of that,
because I am who I am now, there are things I can do and want to do from here on out
is what I'm thinking.
I, who used to think I was a truly hopeless,
piece-of-shit human being.

I've become unable to deny who I am now.
There's no need to deny it.
Can't I turn all of that into something valuable?
That kind of rose-colored-glasses person
has returned since my pregnancy.

What has changed since those days (in my 20s)?
I think I've loosened up overall. Both body and mind. My belly fat is also abundant.

The biggest thing is that I'm taking the pill.
Perhaps protein and supplements are also having an effect.
Anyway, it's the body.
Mainly female hormones. My body has changed.

I haven't been able to exercise.

Until now, I've learned many things like psychology courses, coaching, and mental-change courses, but I could never change the very root of things and was about to run out of steam.
But wait, is it the body? Hormones? Is it at the cellular level?
Because that foundation was hollow, no matter what I piled on top, the hollowness didn't change.

Facing myself, the roots, my past relationship with my parents—I really tried everything like a drowning person clutching at straws, but I had been living while neglecting my body and my cells.
They say the body is a vessel for the soul, and I truly think that's exactly right now.
No matter how much you try to scoop things up with a hollow, hole-filled vessel, it just slips right through.
It took me 37 years to realize this.

Take the pill, be careful with my diet. Take protein and supplements.
What I had to do was simple.

I spent days struggling because I couldn't keep up with protein, would quit, or just hated the taste, but lately, I feel like I've been able to take it consistently. I get my supplements from iHerb, and it costs quite a bit of money, but if I can spend my days like this, it's worth it.

I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now, I'm living in good health!
I want to tell my past self that.
10 or 20 years from now, you'll be living quite happily with rose-colored glasses on, hang in there!