Feeling the tiny hands, being held, and the overflowing joy despite knowing it's a reflex | Special Adoption | First Meeting ③

The baby continues to sleep quietly in my arms, so peacefully that I can't believe it's our first time meeting. As I gaze intently at those closed eyes, seeing the occasional twitch of the eyebrows or eyelashes, or the slight movement of the eyeballs, every little detail feels so precious.

Tiny hands, born just a short while ago. When I gently touched them, the baby gripped my finger tightly. I know it wasn't a conscious grasp, but merely a palmar grasp reflex; yet, even knowing that, when I am actually held by those tiny hands, I can't help but mistake it for a real hold and feel overjoyed.

When I touch those adorable little palms, they grip back just as I imagined. Thinking, 'What cute little hands,' I remember this is a palmar grasp reflex, but when I touch the palm again, they grip me once more.

Being held by such truly adorable little hands, my affection only grows. To think that after seeing such a lovely sight, I would have to part with them—how sad and heartbreaking that must be.

After giving birth at the risk of her own life and being physically exhausted, hearing the baby's first cry must make a mother strongly realize that she has become a mother. I imagine her being told by those around her, 'Look, it's Mommy!' or 'You did great, Mommy!', and then being gently handed the baby, cleaned and wrapped in a blanket, to hold.

For me, who cannot give birth, this is all just imagination, but I think of the immeasurable hardship of the ten months and ten days since pregnancy, and everything leading up to this moment of giving birth while pushing through the pain. And as I recall each step that leads to this new life, I imagine that holding and gazing at the tiny baby wrapped in a blanket would bring forth a flood of various emotions.

If I could experience that situation, and while I was immersed in various emotions holding the baby I had given birth to, if the newborn baby were to hold my hand, I might think, 'Wow! They held my hand! Maybe they know I'm their mommy?' Even knowing it's just a palmar grasp reflex, I would definitely say, 'They held my finger! It's Mommy! I'm your mommy!'

Holding those feelings in my heart, I touch the tiny palms over and over, thinking they will grip me again, finding the movement of those little hands so adorable. Being held by those tiny hands, I feel a maternal instinct to protect them budding, and I feel our bond naturally strengthening; it made me think that the human body is truly well-made.

While we were talking about such things, the baby's eyelids began to flutter, and their head started to move a little.



The previous story about the baby sleeping soundly.
Please read this as well ↓

As the baby moved little by little, everyone said they might really be waking up soon, but I also had a part of me that wanted them to keep sleeping because their sleeping face was so cute. They aren't heavy at all, so I'm fine with holding them, but while I'm torn between waking them up to see their eyes open or not, we decide to listen to more from the child welfare officer and the foster care support worker.

The day before yesterday, the day after that interview, we went to the child consultation center, and while they were talking to us again while reflecting on what we heard there, listening to that story again made me feel that this child was truly loved by their birth mother until the very end.


The story from the child welfare officer and my thoughts.
Please read this as well ↓

What surprised me while listening to various stories was that the newborn baby had a perfect score on the Apgar score, which is a standard for judging whether a baby is healthy.

The Apgar score measures five items immediately after birth: skin color, heart rate, reflexes/reactions, muscle tone, and respiration. When I was told that there were no abnormalities in any of the items and that the child was healthy, my husband and I were happy, but at the same time, we smiled wryly, feeling the heavy responsibility of taking in such a child and raising them properly.

Even if they are born healthy with no problems, they can still get sick, so you never know from the start, but since we were mentally prepared to accept any disability, I felt full of joy and gratitude while also wondering if it was really okay for such a healthy child to come to us.

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