[Reflections] While thinking about how to live and work, I ended up running a cafe

I am very bad at communicating.
Even if I think about it in my head beforehand, practice, and prepare,
when I open my mouth, I end up saying something different,
and sometimes I end up making the other person feel uncomfortable.
Wouldn't it be better not to say anything at all?
I'm so useless, what should I do?
While I was thinking that,
I ended up running a cafe.

Oh my!
As expected, this doesn't convey anything at all, does it!

I run a self-employed cafe in a certain part of Hokkaido.
It's a small shop with about 20 seats, and I am very grateful that
I am able to meet many customers every day.
I mainly post original novels on note, but
every story features a meal scene.
I love eating so much that I can't help but cherish it.

I love being "healthy" just as much as I love "food,"
nutrition, health, medicine, allergies, ways of eating, compatibility, cooking,
there are so many, many things,
but I don't try to teach these things to others.

I also don't talk about what is good or bad for the body.

It's partly because I'm bad at communicating, but
when someone says to you about "food," "that's not very good for your body," etc.,
don't you feel like you've been rejected...?
Even if it's a family member.
It's even sadder if it's something you love.
It's painful because it's something you have to choose due to your economic situation.
It's distressing precisely because it's an opinion coming from the other person's good intentions.
Even if it's advice given with my best interests in mind,
depending on my physical or mental state at the time, there are times I can't accept it.
That's why I don't talk about "food."
If asked for advice, I will think about what to do together,
but in running a cafe, I try not to say what is good.

Instead, I want what I provide to be as gentle on the body as possible.

In this world, if you take a quick look at the ingredient labels on the back, there are many things that aren't in a kitchen.
Of course, I don't mean to say that makes them evil.
It's the result of human, consumer desires to have things last longer or taste better,
and trying to fulfill those wishes.
But as someone who receives money to provide food,
I don't want to put things on the menu that you could just buy.
Even for a single cup of tea, I use pesticide-free, fertilizer-free tea leaves.
Even for just a little bit of dressing or sauce, I make it by hand.
When you are employed by a company, such small things
are quite difficult, and since business requires profit,
you tend to choose things that can lower costs (things made in factories).

Human relationships.
People cannot live alone.
It is difficult for an organization to accomplish anything alone.
There are people, there are various values, and if I could get along with various people,
and continue to work with a relaxed heart, that would be my greatest wish, but
while talking with friends, acquaintances, customers, and family, worries about human relationships never end.

Things I absolutely want to cherish
Things I cannot compromise on
Things I can and cannot do
Worries about human relationships

Choosing and letting go of such things.

To be able to become a place where someone feels at home with a smile and a meal when I say "Welcome!"
To create such a place, first, I create a place where my own heart feels at home.

If I cannot communicate well, then I choose a way of working that doesn't require it.
If I cannot smile, then I choose a way of living that allows me to.
If I lament that stress never goes away, then I choose a way without stress.

In this one-time-only life,
I want to always face what I want to do with all my might.

If it doesn't exist, I create it anew.

Before I knew it, I was running a cafe.

I believe that one factor in why I cannot communicate what I want to say well
is what I was repeatedly told when I was a child.

Stories of my grandparents' war experiences.
My grandfather who was sent to Karafuto and hovered between life and death.
The reality where people who were friends until yesterday lost their lives in the freezing cold.
There was no food, not enough clothing to ward off the cold,
a past event so terrifyingly far from reality.
Because that was passed down from my grandmother to my mother, and from my mother to me,
in my mind, everything I thought was difficult
was negated in my brain as
"That's nothing, it's not a big deal."
That's why I can't tell people my feelings, can't complain, can't show weakness.
Even if it's painful, even if it's sad, because I am alive right now,
I have denied myself, thinking I shouldn't wish for anything more than that.

It is honestly tough to think that my own words have no value.
That is precisely why I think a place where one can speak freely is wonderful.
(Though it is free, slander and defamation are not good.)

In the middle of being drenched in sweat from shoveling snow, I exchanged greetings with a customer passing by.
Me: "Good morning. A lot of snow piled up, didn't it?"
Customer: "Oh, good morning."
Even just from this, there were times I was thanked.
We told each other to be careful not to catch a cold and parted ways there, and
I received a thank-you call at a later date.
The customer said they lived a life where they usually didn't greet anyone.
They mentioned that due to circumstances, they had been avoided by people.

A weekday afternoon. An elementary school child and their mother.
They always come to the shop on weekdays.
There are surely circumstances involved. The number of children who refuse to go to school is increasing.
It is nothing special. Are children who can go to school the rare ones?

The regular grandma has decided to hold a solo exhibition.
The regular uncle, I always leave out the carrots you dislike.
To the regular uncles, I am sorry when we are not open at 10:00 on Thursdays.

Also, even if I am not good at conveying things to people,
I learned that I can connect people with people.
Talks about event stalls are decided between customers,
and through interactions with people I met at places where I sold cafe bento boxes,
new connections were born...

Not everyone can live exactly as their heart desires.
My late grandparents were bound by the land, the era, and societal values.
Things do not always go as planned due to chronic illness, physical condition, and various other factors.
The trivial worries and pains I have experienced
are likely insignificant to someone else.
That is why I do not tell them.
Without telling them, without putting a lid on the past, I dare to expose everything, turn it into a story,
and in doing so, I want to sublimate it and come to terms with my heart.

I will create a place for my heart to belong by myself.

Before I knew it, I was running a cafe.
And before I knew it, I had started writing a novel.

(End)

Thank you for reading until the end.

I loved eating so much that I ended up writing a novel about a bento shop💦
(As of 2025.2.19, currently serializing / 14 episodes in total / updated Sundays and Wednesdays)

The top illustration is by "Fuchan288"🍀 Thank you as always!

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