[Essay with BGM] Looking Back on Parenting

Together with the beautiful jazz piano version of "Beauty and the Beast"

About my children, written since 2002...
Thinking of them, who have left the nest, and those who are about to leave

⚪️ When sleeping with him
Feb 2004


...Since he likes to use my arm as a pillow,
I lie on my side and hold him in a way that embraces him.

He buries his face in my chest.

Small head.
Soft hair.
Sweet scent.

When I am held like this,
I feel very healed.

I think, maybe I should savor this blissful time
for a little longer, just a little longer...

He is 3 years and 11 months old.

⚪️ Smile 2002


When I am feeling irritable or only looking at my PC...

"Mommy, look this way~"

(Usually he calls me "Okaashan," but
he uses "Mommy" at times like this.) And then,

"Smile~"

When I ask, "Does it make you happy when Mommy smiles?"
Instead of answering, he jumps on me and gives me a hug.

His favorite phrase is, "I'm okay~!"
There is so much to be taught by a two-year-old toddler.

And there is so much to be healed by them as well.

⚪️ Letter to Santa (Eldest son)
Dec 2002


"Dear Santa, thank you very much
for the past 7 years.

I will still be a child for another 13 years,
but I am happy.

Please take care of me for the next 13 years."

(Is he planning to keep asking until he turns twenty?!)




Second son's joy Nov 14, 2004"I'm on lunch duty starting tomorrow!


I'm so excited."
My second son in first grade says happily.

"Is that so~ ^^" (Me)
"You know, when you're on duty,

you get to open the side dish lids first♪"
(I never thought that would be something to look forward to)

⚪️ From a composition (Eldest son's)
Mar 2007

My memory of 6th grade is going on the school trip. The first thing was hiking. The second was playing in the room.

( Omitted )

At night, some people fell asleep normally right away, but I wasn't sleepy and couldn't sleep.

Some guy was saying strange things in his sleep, whether he was asleep or doing it on purpose. There were people sleeping in such crazy positions that I wondered, "Are they really asleep?" Some people even had their eyes half-open. But some of us were awake, and time passed as we told funny stories.

( Omitted )


Even the people who were talking energetically just a moment ago
gradually became quieter and spoke less. When I suddenly looked at the clock, it was already two o'clock, and the fun time had passed.

Before I went to sleep, I was remembering the fun events of the day.

⚪️ The last bento
Jan 2018

My youngest son in his third year of high school enters his home study period starting in February.

With this, 15 years (7 years of kindergarten, 8 years of high school) of making bento lunches to fill the stomachs of my three sons have come to an end. Each one was a lot of work, but looking back, I sometimes think I could have put a little more effort into them.

By the way, I bring a packed lunch to work.
It's just a leftovers-cleanup lunch, but eating it makes me feel relieved. I wonder if my sons also had moments where they felt relieved while eating the lunches I made for them.

The empty lunch boxes seemed to be packed full of memories from their high school days.

My two older sons, who had already left home, both got married this year (2024). My youngest, who had been enjoying life as an only child, also became a civil servant with nationwide transfers this April (2024) and is leaving home.


Parenting is finally over.
How will I fill the gaping hole in my heart?

Finally, an empty nest... *tears*

Postscript _________________________

I wrote this draft in February. After his graduation trip, his assignment was announced, and it was decided that he would be working somewhere he could commute to from home. We can spend at least two more years together. Yay, yay! As his mother, I am overjoyed..

I intended to write about him leaving the nest, but it was postponed, and this spring turned from loneliness to joy. And so, I am a mother who just can't seem to let go of her children, no matter how much time passes.

The content has changed a little, but
thank you for reading until the end.
m(._.)m

"S's Memories," where my youngest son appears briefly as a toddler.

Click here for my carefree, few-line diary.