For Couples Who Don't Know the Cause of Their Sexless Relationship—Unraveling the Vicious Cycle of Initiating, Refusing, and Getting Hurt

Hello, I am Mamoru Sawano, a marriage counseling therapist.

I imagine some of you have arrived at this page by searching for terms like "sexless marriage causes" or "how to talk to spouse about sexless marriage."

I often hear people say, "I don't even know why this happened myself."

The person who initiates and gets rejected feels hurt, thinking, "Maybe I'm no longer desired," while the person who refuses carries guilt, wondering, "Is it my fault for not being able to respond?"

Both are pains that are easy to carry alone. Some people have gathered the courage to express their feelings, only to find things became more awkward. Others have tried initiating a few times, were rejected, and stopped trying altogether. It is not uncommon for people to rush to the conclusion that "maybe the love is gone" without being able to pinpoint a single cause.

Fixating on a single cause can actually make things more painful

Of course, fatigue or changes in physical condition can sometimes be the trigger.

It is not uncommon for busyness at work, stress, or age-related physical changes like menopause to be involved.

But why does it continue for so long from there? Often, it has to do with the pattern of interaction between the two of you.

As various factors like past experiences and differences in values overlap, people often fixate on a single reason, such as "because the love is gone," and become unable to move forward.

If you set aside the search for "why this happened" for a moment and look at the pattern of interaction between you, your perspective may change.

In many cases, what is happening is a cycle of "initiating → being rejected → getting hurt → stopping the initiation → growing distant."

Of course, sexual matters are not something one person should endure just to comply. The right to refuse and the desire to be intimate are both things that should be respected. With that in mind, try to reframe it not as one person being at fault, but as a cycle that has developed within your interactions.

I myself had a period where I was guarded about even talking about this topic with my wife. I feel that if you leave it as it is, the distance between you will only grow.

The link between "intimacy" and sexual desire as shown by psychology

A 2021 study by van Lankveld et al. in the Netherlands (involving 10,202 participants) showed that intimacy with a partner and the degree to which one feels the other is responding to their feelings (responsiveness) are linked to sexual desire.

Because it is a cross-sectional study, I cannot go so far as to say that "if there is intimacy, sexual desire will definitely return," but it does mean that this may not just be a problem of physical relations, but something tied to your daily interactions.

In a survey by Raison d'Etre, among those in sexless relationships, 66.6% of men and 75.9% of women answered that they had never discussed it with their partner. I believe this shows just how difficult this topic is to put into words, even between spouses.

Counseling Case Study: A couple where a vicious cycle was born from the interaction of initiating and refusing

*The following is a reconstruction based on multiple consultation cases to ensure individual anonymity.

Ms. Ishii (a pseudonym, woman in her 40s, married for 16 years) gathered the courage to tell her husband, "I've been feeling lonely lately because we don't have much physical contact." However, her husband replied, "I didn't know how to say it," and an awkward atmosphere began to drift between them instead.

Ms. Ishii reflects on it this way:
"After that, even when my husband invited me, I would think about whether I was forcing him, and my body became even more unresponsive."

What became clear was that both of them were so considerate of each other that they couldn't speak their true feelings. They had focused only on the act of "inviting and refusing," and the fact that their daily conversations and physical intimacy had decreased was overlooked.

Instead of trying to reach a sexual conclusion right away, the two decided to first create a time to talk about what they felt that day for just five minutes at the end of the day to regain the sense of security that serves as the foundation.

A few months later, Ms. Ishii told me, "I feel more at ease being next to him than before." While their physical relationship hasn't returned to normal immediately, the awkwardness from before is gone, and they say opportunities for physical contact are gradually returning.

Mr. Kimura (a pseudonym, man in his 50s, married for 20 years) stopped inviting his wife after being refused several times.

"I was afraid of being rejected, so I stopped asking. I figured my wife didn't want me anymore."

However, when I heard his wife's side, the situation was different. She said, "There were days when I was tired, and days when being invited felt like pressure. But I never intended to reject you as a person."

Mr. Kimura told me, "I realized that I had assumed being refused meant I wasn't loved." The two decided to add a phrase like "I'm just tired today" when refusing, and the one inviting began practicing separating that from a rejection of their character.

They told me that while things aren't back to normal yet, the awkward silence from before is gone, and they are gradually closing the distance between them.

Things you can do starting today

First, try not to pin the cause on just one thing. Keeping in the back of your mind that multiple factors may be overlapping can change the atmosphere of your discussions.

Next, try looking back at what kind of cycle is being created in your interactions of inviting and refusing. Instead of looking for a culprit, just observing the repeating pattern itself can sometimes change how you see your partner.

And before talking about sex, try building up daily intimacy. Talk about what happened today, say thank you, sit next to each other. Small steps don't always lead to the resumption of a physical relationship. However, they can help loosen awkwardness and wariness, and help build a foundation for discussion.

However, if your partner is being pressured despite their dislike, if one becomes moody when refused, if one is made to comply like a duty, or if there is past sexual trauma—in these cases, it may be better not to handle it just by trying to talk. Do not try to carry it alone; please seek the help of a professional.

It is okay not to seek perfection. A sexless relationship is not a matter of one of you being at fault. Why not start by looking at what is being repeated between the two of you?

In counseling, we don't force you to talk about sexual matters, but start by organizing what is being repeated between the two of you.

If you feel that "even if I try to talk, I can't bring it up," please also take a look at this article.

▶ They say "discussion" is important for a sexless relationship, but why it's impossible

If you also want to know statistical data on specific causes, please look here as well.

▶ "Reasons for becoming sexless and points for resolution" revealed by a survey of 3,000 people

If you are currently carrying burdens about your marriage alone,
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I will listen to you for 30 minutes online for free.
Sometimes, just talking can make you feel a little better.

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