Stuck in the 'What do I really want to do?' swamp, so I'm trying doing what others ask of me

• What is it that I really want to do?

• What is a calling?

• I started my own service, but it feels like... this isn't it.

• Could there be something more?

I kept thinking about things like that.

Then, just as I was thinking that, an interesting article by Shiitake-san was updated, so I clicked to purchase it! 🍄

Oh, ahhhhhh~~
I get it... there are so many parts that ring true.

Instead of making what I really want to do my job, it says I should do something a bit off-center that makes me think, "Huh? Is it really okay for me to do this?".

The things that come to mind right now are,

• Illustration

• Writing store POP signs

• Support for social media/content dissemination

• Consulting for solo businesses and service creation

I wonder if that's about it??

Lately, I've been getting a lot of requests like, 'I want to build my own service, can you help me think it through?' or, as expected, consultations about content creation and writing, and I'm honestly terrified.

It's not that I don't want to do it, but it's more of a feeling of fear, like, 'Wait, what!? I'm a complete amateur myself, are you sure about this?? (fidgets nervously).'

Well, even so, I've been desperately trying to share what I know and answer questions by recalling books I've referenced and things I've steadily continued to do, but I feel like I'm not getting much of a response...

After all, I'm not a professional business consultant, nor do I make a living as a writer...

I see.

As you say, the fact that others are asking me for help might mean that I'm 'able to do it (or at least appear to be),' or that I've become someone people look up to. Could that be it??

Also.

I get a lot of people suggesting things to me, like, 'Why don't you try doing this kind of service?'

I guess I must look like I have absolutely no confidence, or I'm so hopelessly indecisive that everyone feels the need to teach me things—I'm humbled.

But since I receive so many wonderful suggestions from so many different people, I don't know where to start.

What is it that I really want to do, and what should I prioritize~~! (swamp) I was confused.

However, when I was talking to my coach the other day, they said, 'That's a resource too, isn't it!', which surprised me.

~My resources as seen by my coach~

• Writing ability

• Listening skills

• Questioning skills

• Empathy

• Ability to express through drawing

• Ability to provide support

• Having many people who support me

• Having many people who give me advice
  (Everyone sees potential in Eri)

Hmm. Looking at it this way, I actually had quite a lot.

Somehow, having it looked at objectively like that made me think, 'Right? My services are cheap, aren't they?'

That's because there have been people who paid their precious money to use my services until now, and I have received many words of praise.

I received feedback saying, 'When we first spoke, you kept saying "someone like me," but now, Eri, I feel like you've started to be able to acknowledge to yourself that the service of talking with me is not free, but something you should properly charge for,' and I cried at my own growth...

Regarding illustration, I have really had conflicts until now.

'I don't have a background like, I've loved drawing since I was born and couldn't help it...'

'I don't have any ambition like going to drawing classes or art school, and I have no foundation or anything.'

'When people say, "I'm a fan of Eri's, so I started drawing digital illustrations too!", I get an overwhelming sense of inferiority and jealousy, and I invariably want to distance myself.'

And so, I turn into a pretty unpleasant person.

I really don't understand it, but I have a human relationship reset syndrome. The trigger for it is always illustration.

However, my first individual work request was, after all, an illustration...

While drawing as a job, it became painful, and I thought, 'Waaah, it's hard~~ I hate it~~ I want to draw whatever I want~~' even though I had been fired up saying, 'I will truly be useful to the people I like by doing what I love!'

Now that I've read Shiitake-san's article, the dark, heavy feelings I've had about illustration for the past year have eased up a little.

Ah, maybe it's okay to just calmly do what's asked of me. Unlike writing, I don't have as much emotional attachment to it anyway... (*I'm not cutting any corners, and I'm putting my soul into it🔥)

▼ Production notes for a custom illustration completed in June

Wow... that's amazing. I never would have thought of that idea on my own in a million years. But thinking up themes sounds fun~♩ I feel like I could come up with endless ones.

Honestly, I didn't feel like I could do an illustration course at all (since I'm not interested in things like 'how to get better,' and my motto is to return to a childlike state and express myself freely), but if it's about “self-expression,” that sounds fun.

It's true that I like writing in my diary, and drawing little messy pictures in it is something I always do.

However, this isn't something I can immediately dive into with 100% purity, saying things like, 'This is what I want to do!' or 'This is my mission!' while puffing out my chest.

Even so, from now on, I don't want to be too caught up in only the ideas that come from within myself, and I don't want to be stubborn, saying, 'This is what I want to do! Hmph!'

I'm thinking, maybe I'll try doing things that others ask of me, little by little. (A change of heart)

While cherishing the version of myself that I hold inside—the one that says 'This is who Eri Hoshina is!'—I also want to cherish the Eri that others see.

That might just be what you could call a calling that even the person themselves hasn't realized yet.

Perhaps by taking on things people ask of me, even while struggling with thoughts like 'Hmm? Are you sure you want me for this?', I might be able to see myself more clearly again.

Anyway, after talking with my coach, I realized that until now, whenever I went to shops or similar places, I didn't have anything to give them, so I would just hand over a ZINE and leave. But since those are precious products, I always felt uneasy about it...

I had a flash of inspiration: maybe I should make a scrapbook that's full of a handmade feel—something I can show off quickly, but not one of those overly stylish 'This is my portfolio!' types.

Since I don't have the ability to explain my past work achievements (including my 'I'll listen to your story' service that hasn't been in past ZINEs, as well as the custom illustrations and POP signs I've drawn) verbally, and I haven't narrowed down what I want to do yet, I'll just put them all in one book and carry it around📕

Sounds good, sounds good.

The self that others see.

Because you are there, I can understand myself.
Thank you for watching over me again today🌖

Please feel free to stop by my other articles too~~🚪

I'm now accepting bookings for September for my one-on-one relaxed listening service~🐇🌕 (I'm looking forward to the Tsukimi Burger again this year)

Hmm. I'm not sure how many more people I need to work with before I set a fair price, but for now, I'm offering it at a monitor price~

I will listen to your story intently, and if I may be greedy, please tell me how you see me and 'how this timid woman can start charging a fair price' too🙏

💫Let's discover new possibilities

・What is the ideal way of working that sleeps in your heart?
・I will deliver an original message just for you that embraces those who lack confidence

(I'm so happy to have received feedback saying, 'I was so satisfied with how much we interacted, it's not worth it for just ¥9,900!'🌷)

(I'll properly summarize what I'm doing specifically next time!)

(But until then, I feel like Nakashima-san's report is the easiest to understand, so please take a look at that😘 lol)