This is what happens when a professional socially awkward person goes on a trip with 26 extroverts.

I am a professional socially awkward person.

I am socially awkward, but at first glance, I can make it look like I'm not. When interacting with others, I anticipate every behavioral pattern from days to months in advance and prepare topics and manners beforehand. I pour all my energy into acting bright and friendly, and I can even leave the impression that I am a cheerful, bright, and interesting person.

However, because it requires 300% of my body and soul, I get incredibly exhausted even in a short time, and after returning home, I turn into mud and am useless for several days.

Besides, if an irregular pattern occurs, I immediately go 'ahhhhh!' with smoke rising from my ears, and I either disappear on the spot or faint in some corner until the gathering is over.

The perfect test period for such a person as me has arrived. I have to go on a 1-night, 2-day camping trip with 6 families of my husband's friends, a total of 26 people. It is hell.

My husband and his friends are composed of people who were part-time workers and customers at a stylish dining bar a long, long time ago, and they are all residents of the Miracle☆Extrovert Country without exception.

Let me clarify, everyone is truly a good person. They treat even someone like me with kindness without discrimination, and they regularly check if I am enjoying myself. It's just that they are relentlessly positive and cheerful.

Since the talk came up 2 months ago, I have been plotting how to escape, but the lodging for the families is already booked, and everyone is vaccinated. I was desperately praying that the only thing left to do was to call in a typhoon, but I called it in a little too early and it passed by 2 days ago. I might die this weekend.

When I tweeted something like this, I received a lot of support, jeers, and criticism, so I decided to show the way of life (or the way of death) of a professional socially awkward person here as a substitute for a suicide note.

★

~Day 1 Schedule~ Meet at the shopping mall with each family. After lunch, shopping for BBQ. -> To the campsite. Playing in the river & dinner (BBQ)

12:00 PM. Arrived at the shopping mall. Each family is gathering. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

'Hello~' 'You've grown so big~' After exchanging pleasantries, we split up to secure seats. The ladies, excluding me, all seem to be friends. They are gathering 2 or 3 tables to make a large group.
Ugh, here it is. A challenge right away. While glancing at them, I sit at the next table, not joining their circle but, for the time being, close enough. It's a distance where I could join the conversation if I wanted to, or spend time without getting involved.

The strategy I deploy here is the 'I'm too busy taking care of the kids' tactic.

Having said that, my sons are 6 and 10 years old, so they don't really run around that much anymore, and they are eating quite politely, but I ask for their cooperation here. I make a fuss more than necessary, saying things like 'Geez! Don't spill it!', showing the attitude that I can't have a proper conversation because I'm busy taking care of the kids. Occasionally, I turn toward the source of the conversation and get through it by reacting exaggeratedly, saying 'Yeah, yeah, I get it, right?'

After finishing the meal, we go shopping for the BBQ. Here is the next hurdle. Since there are 12 children, it was decided to 'split into two groups': a child-minding group and a shopping group. There it is. The terrifying 'split into XX'. If you are a socially awkward person with little experience, even this one thing is an instant death.

This choice is, without question, the child-minding group. Shopping for BBQ ingredients is too high-level. What, and how many should I buy? What is the budget? Do I need to make jokes? There are too many things to think about and be tested on. Since I don't have the strong heart to put ingredients into the basket on my own, I naturally have to talk to someone, like 'Which one is good?'. In that case, should I use casual language? Polite language? Or a mix? Do I need to make small jokes? It's too dangerous.

If I'm exhausted from taking care of the kids, that alone is enough to maintain the impression of being a good person. I choose that. I know what kids enjoy. It's arm wrestling with all my might. As long as I do this, I can manage. My healing frozen shoulder is screaming, but so what. With this, the shopping mall is finally cleared. The shopping is over, and each family gets in their car and moves to the nearby campsite.

A memo from that time.

I already look exhausted.

We arrived at the campsite.

Next is playing in the river. From the car to the river to the waterfall, I'm constantly glued to the kids during every transition. Still, my husband looks like he's having a blast. He's so giddy, freed from the curse of his introverted wife (me). He's wearing this incredibly tacky rainbow-colored shirt, and I don't remember ever washing anything like that before. He must have bought it for today. Oh my god.

For the river, my strategy is basically to be "completely occupied with babysitting." Plus, if another kid enters my field of vision, I just smile and say, "Feels good, doesn't it?" and that's enough.

Ah, but I've reached my limit. Honestly, I was already at my limit at the shopping mall. It's only 3:00 PM? I can't believe it. I want to go home. I want to lie on my sofa at home right now, drink coffee, tweet, read the next part of "The Three-Body Problem," and watch cat videos.

I've already checked my watch and sighed in frustration 50 times. In my line of sight, the guy who acts as the leader is shouting things like, "Whoo! Waterfall training!" Good for you, you look like you're having fun. I'm deeply envious.

Once the river play finally ends, it's time for BBQ. The extroverts are playing music, drinking beer, dancing, making curry, grilling meat, and smoking cheese.

Since the kids have all entered Switch time, I can't use the babysitting strategy. Should I help with the cooking, or join the circle of ladies...? The ladies are already drinking beer and chuhai, giving dating advice to a young single mom. Ugh! No, I can't join in... Just thinking about it makes me lose 5 kilos.

The meat team seems to have decided their members through some kind of penalty game, so I can't help there. The cheese team is the owner of the smoker. I can't help there either. I try calling out to the person making the last resort, the curry, "Can I help?" "It's okay, it's okay. You moms who work hard every day should just relax today♪"

Yeah, I'm done for. I want to snatch the ladle from this guy, crack his head open, and make the curry myself.

As a result, this happened.

I'm reading a book all by myself, far away from everyone. But I'm not reading a single millimeter of this book. If I could, I'd love to trip into the world of the text, but no matter how hard I try to focus on the words, nothing is sinking in. I'm just reading the same line over and over. I have no choice but to wait for time to pass in this pose.

I'm the person who loves books more than anyone in the world, and I read books everywhere. I'm the kind of person who reads even when everyone else is having a BBQ, even if an African elephant suddenly appeared in front of me, or even at a parent's deathbed. I'll just pass the time with the attitude that this is normal. Since I'm not absorbing any of the content, I keep checking my watch. No matter how many times I look, it's still 5:00 PM. I've already looked a million times.

As I keep pretending to read, the curry is finished, the meat and cheese are done, and the kids come swarming over. Once this is over, today is finished. Tomorrow morning, all that's left is to go home. In other words, this is the climax. I'll get through it with a strong heart!

The meat, the cheese, and the curry don't taste like anything. In the first place, I'm not even hungry at all.

While watching the guy in the tacky rainbow shirt happily drinking sake, shouting "It's Dassai!", eating meat, and singing Eito's "Perfume" loudly a cappella, thinking, "That's amazing. What's going on in his head? Maybe he's built differently?", I chanted "Just a little longer, just a little longer," when a lady who looks like Haruka Igawa called out to me, "Um, would you like to come over here?"

It's here... I'm being invited into the circle of ladies. It's finally arrived. Truly, this is the part that requires the most effort!

"Is it okay? Excuse me," I say, raising my right hand in an old-fashioned pose as I break into the group. What a ridiculous pose.

Are you all friends? Do you work? Oh, wow! That's amazing! I see. That sounds tough. Oh, this is delicious. It tastes completely different with lemon in it. The ajillo is incredible, isn't it? Me? I help my husband make signs. Oh, no, no. Not at all. That's so true. I've only raised boys, so I'm always surprised when I talk to girls.

I carry on the conversation without a hitch. There is absolutely no substance to it. Even though I have no idea what's funny, I clap my hands and lean back, saying, "That's hilarious!" Do I look like I'm having fun? Am I smiling properly? Oh, I feel like crying. My fake smile is about to crumble. Ah, I've reached my limit. Please, someone, let me go. Kids, anyone, could you please call me? I want to leave this place.

My limit was reached much sooner than expected. "I'm just going to the bathroom," I said, and slipped away from the table. Clutching only my smartphone, I realized I had walked all the way to the other side of the campsite. I hope my face didn't look dead at the end.

Before I knew it, I was staring blankly at the stars and moon shining in the night sky. The lively sounds of people's voices and music were gone, and only the sound of insects and leaves rustling in the wind echoed. In the silence of the night, the sharp smell of my own sweat hit me, and when I hunched my shoulders, saying, "Ugh, gross!", I realized how stiff my shoulders were.

I couldn't bring myself to go back to everyone, and before I knew it, I had reached the lodge assigned to my family. Oh, crap. I hurriedly sent a LINE message to my husband. "Reached my limit. Came to the lodge. Kids, luggage, please take care of it." As I sent it, I felt like I had abandoned so many things, and tears welled up in my eyes.

I can't do it anymore. I gave up on going back and took a shower. If I don't go back like this, they might wonder, "Huh? What happened to her? Is she okay?" Sigh, what kind of professional socially awkward person am I? Why am I so useless? Why can't I spend time with people well? Why can't I have fun like everyone else? ...No, forget it. This is the last time for something like this. I don't care what they think of me. I'm just a socially awkward person to the bone. When I go home tomorrow, I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone, for real this time. That's fine by me.

While my thoughts were spinning and spinning, even though it wasn't even 9 PM yet, and even though I had irresponsibly left the luggage and children to my husband, I decided to wrap everything—all the various things and feelings—into my futon and go to sleep.

After a while, I heard the sounds of the children and my husband coming back, bustling about, from inside the futon. "Mom, are you okay?" my second son's voice asked. To make sure he didn't realize I was crying, I said, "I'm fine. I just drank a little too much. Sorry, listen to what Dad says, okay? Goodnight." I hadn't drunk too much at all. As if I'd get drunk on "Horoyoi" or "Lemon-do".

The next morning, I woke up incredibly early. None of the things from last night felt even a millimeter lighter. But, I can go home now. Even if they thought I was a weird person, if I think that there are only 2 or 3 hours left, I'll be fine. It's a state of nothingness; I am a Great Buddha. I will get through this with the mindset of a Great Buddha.

I headed to the same BBQ venue as last night to eat breakfast. There was a lot of evidence of a good time left behind, like candy wrappers, empty alcohol bottles, and glowing fluorescent bracelets.

Huh? The ladies aren't here...

"Everyone was drinking until 3 AM last night! Nobody is awake yet," the leader told me while making breakfast.

Yay!! Breakfast just for my family!?

My gloomy mood cleared up in an instant, and it became "A wonderful morning! Such refreshing air!" all at once.

Why is food eaten outside so delicious? Freshly cooked rice in a mess tin, and freshly made miso soup! What!? Is cut pineapple this delicious!? It's moving! I'll buy some at the supermarket from now on!

By the time I finished breakfast, the ladies woke up, bare-faced with messy hair. Who are you... "Oh, good morning. Were you okay yesterday? It was fun, though I don't remember much." It was Haruka Igawa.

I felt relieved. Thank goodness. Somehow...! They didn't think anything of me at all...

Ah, thank goodness!!

And now, I can finally go homeーーー!!

At that moment, the leader said, "Before we head home, shall we go play some mini-golf or hit the obstacle course?"

I thought about drowning him in the waterfall yesterday.

No, no, no. What's an obstacle course anyway! Compared to the long hell I've been through, it's just an obstacle course left. It's for the kids, after all. I'll just get exhausted along with them. Alright, if that's the case, let's go to the obstacle course quickly! Which way is the obstacle course?? Right? Left?

In the scorching heat, we finished the obstacle course. It was past 12:00 PM.

I had decided that if the leader started saying things like "Since we're here, let's have lunch too...", I would tie him to the obstacle course this time and roast him in this heat, but he said, "I wanted to have lunch too, but there's nowhere nearby that can fit 30 people. It's a shame, but..." and the long-awaited time for dismissal had finally arrived!

Yahoo!! Dismissed!!
I love you all! It was fun! Thank you! Be careful on your way home! The food was delicious! The starry sky was beautiful!! Thank you so much! See you later!

At the very end, I was super energetic.

After drinking until dawn, we went straight into the hell of a scorching obstacle course from the morning. The adults, who had turned into mud, somehow dragged their feet to the finish line, following the energetic children who didn't care about the heat at all. Among them, I, who was acting incredibly cheerful and bright, might have looked like a super extrovert to them.

★

I almost gave up halfway through, but I think I was able to show you the way of life of a professional socially awkward person. Needless to say, I turned into mud after returning home and it took me a week to recover.

A few days later, a total of 566 photos were shared in the camp members' LINE group album, including photos of everyone having fun on the first night when I wasn't there.

Thinking, "Maybe I should add mine too," I looked at my smartphone folder.

These were the only three photos I took in two days.

Since I had the chance, I quietly added them to the 566 photos.

The End