Independent Research | Thinking About "True Feelings"

When I talk to people, I sometimes wonder: am I speaking my true feelings right now? Public face versus private thoughts, the mask I wear versus my authentic self... I feel like the social skills I've acquired to survive in society have, before I knew it, made it hard to see my own true feelings. This time, why don't we take a deep dive into thinking about "true feelings"?🤔

1. [Basics] Thinking about the definition

| Starting with the dictionary definition

First, I simply looked up what "true feelings" (honne) actually means. Basically, it seems to be used to mean "true feelings" or "an honest heart." Its antonyms are "tatemae" (public stance) and "outward appearance." It's very simple, but that alone feels a bit lacking😅

The word "honne" itself is a uniquely Japanese expression. In English, it translates to things like "true feelings" or "real intention," but the nuance feels slightly different. Perhaps it is a word born precisely because Japan has a cultural background of "honne and tatemae."

| Culture and social background

The Japanese culture of honne and tatemae was born from a society that values group harmony. You care about the other person and avoid saying things that are too direct. That kindness can sometimes, conversely, make you lose sight of your own true feelings.

In the West, clearly stating one's individual opinion is considered a virtue, whereas in the East, reading between the lines and reading the air are emphasized. It's not about which is better or worse; it's a difference in culture. But I feel like we in the modern age are swaying between the two🌙

2. [Experience] My own thoughts

| The moment I first became aware of "true feelings"

Looking back, when I was a child, there were no true feelings or public stances. I expressed things straight: if I disliked something, I disliked it; if something was fun, it was fun.

Perhaps the first time I learned to hide my true feelings was in the upper grades of elementary school. When I wanted to turn down an invitation from a friend but said "Yeah, sure" because I didn't want to be disliked. In that moment, I realized that the feeling of "I actually don't want to" and the feeling of "I want to be a good kid" were coexisting within me.

| True feelings become complex as an adult

Once I became a working adult, the distinction between true feelings and public stance became even more complex. Reporting to a boss, conversations with business partners, small talk with colleagues... I learned to use the appropriate "face" for each situation.

But sometimes, I get tired💭 "Which one is the real me right now?" I wonder. As I use different faces for different situations, I lose track of which one is my authentic self. I'm sure many people have had the same experience.

3. [Exploration] The results of digging deeper

| Osamu Dazai's poignant insight

Japanese literary masters also thought deeply about true feelings. I was particularly struck by the words of Osamu Dazai.

Doesn't this make you feel very conflicted? Lying is often thought of as a bad thing, but in reality, it is also part of what makes us human. If we lived entirely by our true feelings, society might not be able to function.

Osamu Dazai also wrote something like this:

The guilt of hiding one's true feelings, yet the reality of having no choice but to hide them. This conflict is something that resonates with us in the modern day, isn't it?

| Natsume Soseki's Observation of Humanity

Natsume Soseki also wrote about the complexity of the human heart:

Perhaps true feelings aren't actually singular. Depending on the situation and the person you are with, different true feelings emerge. That is the complexity of humanity, and its fascination as well.✨

| Philosophers' Theories on True Feelings

Western philosophers have also contemplated true feelings. The Danish philosopher Kierkegaard said:

I feel this also applies to the relationship between true feelings and social facades. When looking back, you can understand what your true feelings were at that time, but in the moment, you must choose the appropriate words to move forward.

The French philosopher Sartre said something quite interesting:

We have the freedom to speak our true feelings, and the freedom to choose a social facade. But we must bear the responsibility for those choices ourselves. It is a heavy burden, but perhaps that is the fate of humanity.

4. [Practical Application] Thinking About It Once More

| An Experiment in Expressing True Feelings

Inspired by the words of Osamu Dazai, I decided to conduct an experiment where I consciously express my true feelings. That said, it's too dangerous to suddenly say everything that's on my mind, so I started within a safe range🌻

Things like, "I'm tired today, so I'd like to skip the drinking party," or "To be honest, I didn't really find that movie interesting." I started with such small, honest feelings.

The effect was beyond my expectations. At first, I was anxious that I might be disliked, but surprisingly, the other person often replied with their own true feelings, saying, "Actually, I feel the same way..." Perhaps true feelings are contagious.

| Finding the Balance Between True Feelings and Social Facades

However, I also realized that it's not always good to say everything you feel. Sometimes it hurts others or ruins the atmosphere...😅

As Soseki said, humans are complex. It is necessary to accept that complexity and use it differently depending on the situation. It's not 100% true feelings, nor is it 0% social facade. Perhaps there is a balance unique to me somewhere in between.

| Being Honest, Including My Failures

To be honest, there were failures too.

I once gave an opinion that was a bit too blunt to my boss at work, which made things awkward. I also pushed my true feelings onto a friend too hard, which made our relationship strained.

At those times, Sartre's words about being "condemned to be free" really hit home. The freedom to speak one's true feelings comes with the responsibility of accepting the consequences. That, too, is part of being honest.

5. [Summary] What Does It Mean to Me After All?

| The Answer Literature Taught Me

Through this exploration, I realized that there is no single correct answer to what true feelings are. But there are many hints.

Osamu Dazai taught me that humans include social facades and lies. Soseki taught me the importance of accepting human complexity. Kierkegaard taught me that true feelings change over time, and Sartre taught me about the freedom and responsibility of choosing to express them.

| True Feelings That Change Like the Seasons

I noticed something interesting. True feelings are things that change like the seasons.

My true feelings when I'm tired are different from when I'm energetic. My true feelings when I'm alone are different from when I'm with someone else. Once I realized that it's okay for that to be the case, I felt much more at ease🌸

I don't have to force myself to find one "true self." I just need to cherish my true feelings at any given moment, while also being considerate of others and choosing the appropriate way to communicate them.

| The "Seeds of True Feelings" I Found

Here are a few ways I've found to deal with my true feelings through this exploration.

Seeds of a Safe Zone: Speak as honestly as possible with people you trust. Just having those kinds of relationships makes your heart feel lighter.

Seeds of Timing: The timing of when you express your true feelings is important. Consider the other person's situation and feelings, and choose an appropriate time.

Seeds of Kindness: Just because something is your true feeling doesn't mean it's okay to hurt the other person. Sprinkle your true feelings with kindness when you share them.

Seeds of Acceptance: Whether it's when you've used a social facade or when the other person is speaking with one, accept it for what it is.

Seeds of Change: True feelings change. Even if your feelings are different today than they were yesterday, that is what makes us human.

I hope that by carefully nurturing these seeds, I can find a way to deal with my true feelings that is uniquely my own✨

| It's okay if your true feelings aren't perfect

In the end, I realized that true feelings don't need to be perfect.

Even if they are contradictory or ambiguous, that is what makes us human. As Osamu Dazai said, perhaps being human includes "lies" as well. What's important is to be honest with your own feelings, and to learn how to express those feelings appropriately.

| What are your true feelings?

Everyone who read this article surely has their own true feelings as well. The answer I found isn't the only correct one, and it doesn't need to be the same as yours.

But if you'd like, please think about it. What do "true feelings" mean to you? When do you want to speak your true feelings, and when do you choose to use a social facade? I'm sure there is a beautiful discovery unique to you within that answer🌙

We are all living out our own versions of true feelings. Don't you think that's a very human and wonderful thing?

Afterword

While writing this article, I thought about it again. Thinking about true feelings might be, in itself, a way of facing them. It means you have the space to cherish your own feelings🌟