I Have Lived for 10 Years with a Different Surname from My Parent

Last week, I got engaged.

I was inwardly surprised that such an event would come to someone like me.

I am grateful. Very much so.

Now, when you get engaged, there is a topic that almost always comes up.

"Which surname will you use?"

That topic inevitably surfaced between us as well.

The conclusion we both reached was,

・I will use my surname
・He will use his surname
・We will not register our marriage. In other words, separate surnames, common-law marriage

that was it.

If "selective separate surnames for married couples" were realized, I would register my marriage without any hesitation.

No matter how much I wish for it, it seems the system will not be realized for the time being.

It's fine, it's "selective" after all. If people don't like it, they don't have to do it. That's what I think, but apparently, it doesn't work that way.

I found something like this as an opinion from the opposition.

"Family bonds will be damaged."

What are you talking about?

I have lived for 10 years with a different surname from my parents.
Among the family I lived with, I was the only one with a different surname.

But, our bonds were never damaged.

Today, I would like to talk about that.

When I was born, I was an "Otake".

It was around 1990, when the Heisei era was still new.

A man with the surname "Otake" and
a woman with the surname "Sugawara"

met on Rebun Island, the northernmost inhabited island in Japan.

The man who went by "Otake" was from Okayama Prefecture.

It is a very rare surname, and apparently there are only 30 people with it in the whole country.

I don't know if that's true, but since I've never met anyone outside of my relatives with that name, I think it might be true.

By the way, the baseball coach "Atsuyoshi Otake" from when Yuki Saito, the "Handkerchief Prince," was at Waseda University, is this man's cousin.

The woman who goes by the name "Sugawara" is from Hokkaido.

Sugawara is
[National Rank] 92nd
[National Population] Approximately 190,000 people
, a relatively major surname.

They say things like, "We are descendants of Sugawara no Michizane!" but I think that's a lie.

Those two got married about 30 years ago.

The man moved to Hokkaido, saying, "It will be more convenient for everyone if we are closer to the wife's family home."

The woman who had gone by "Sugawara" entered the man's family register.
The woman stopped using "Sugawara" and started going by "Otake" instead.

Two girls were born between them.

That would be my older sister and me.

When I was born, I was an "Otake."

My mother became a "Sugawara."

When I was in the second grade of elementary school, there was a section for sharing worries in the exchange diaries that were popular at the time.

It was probably a place to write things like, "I'm embarrassed because I lost a tooth," or "So-and-so only hangs out with other girls."

For some reason, I wrote there, "My parents might get a divorce..."

I was at an age where I shouldn't have been able to write the kanji for "divorce."

I mean, to begin with, an average eight-year-old doesn't even know the word "divorce." I don't know what "average" even means, though.

I wonder what my friend at the time actually thought when they read about my worries...

Fortunately, that worry didn't become a reality for the next seven years. So, somewhere in my heart, I thought that they probably wouldn't actually get a divorce.

However, that expectation was easily betrayed.

I had a bad feeling about it.

The word "divorce" appeared more and more frequently in the titles of books lined up on my mother's bookshelf. By the time I was in junior high, I had long since learned how to read the kanji.

When was it that I gave a forced smile to my mother as she took a piece of paper out of a plastic case as if it were precious, saying, "I went and got divorce papers!"?

September 16, 2010.

My third year of junior high school, the day after the Academic Achievement Test A—a day I will never forget.

(Junior high students in Hokkaido have something called the Academic Achievement Test ABC, and although I don't remember much about it, it was some kind of important test for high school entrance exams.)

My mother took me out in the middle of the night while I was right in the middle of exam season.

We were driven to the 24-hour window at the municipal office.

Fifteen years old.
I submitted my parents' divorce papers with my own hands.

With these hands, I severed the ties between my parents.

I wonder how many children in the world have submitted their parents' divorce papers. Society might condemn it, saying, "How could you make a child do such a thing?"

But, I feel that because I severed the ties between my parents with my own hands, I was able to properly accept the divorce.

Immediately after the divorce, my mother returned to her maiden name, "Sugawara."

Postscript added on March 11, 2021

My sister, who read this note, commented, "What was I doing at that time? Was I sleeping?" to which I replied, "I think that was probably it."

Perhaps my mother had originally planned to go alone.

I remember thinking at the time, "An opportunity like this will never come again." Perhaps it would be more accurate to say "I wished to go with her" rather than "My mother took me out in the middle of the night." I don't remember, though.

My sister basically kept her distance from family issues. It was always me who listened to my mother's consultations about the divorce. So, it might have been a natural progression for me to go with her.

My sister became a "Sugawara."

When parents divorce, children need to choose "custody" and their "family register."

I forget the timing, but my sister and I once secretly talked about, "Which parent should we go with?" (This was about custody.)

My sister answered "Mother" without hesitation. She was a total mama's girl.

I hesitated.

My father always played with me on his days off. If I also went with my mother, my father would be left all alone. Since there were two of us, I thought I should go with my father... but my father couldn't clean. If I decided to go with my father, I would have to handle all the housework while attending school.

That would be impossible, wouldn't it...

And so, I also chose my mother as my custodial parent.

Before long, not only my mother's but also my older sister's surname changed to "Sugawara." In other words, my sister chose my mother for her "family register" as well as her "parental authority."

Since my sister loved our mother so much, I think she wanted to have the same surname as her.

I suddenly wondered what my sister had been thinking at the time, so after 10 years, I asked her.

"Why did you change it from Otake to Sugawara?"

This was the answer I got back.

I never really liked the surname Otake to begin with.
It was a low-key stress for me that people I met for the first time couldn't read it right away.

The back-and-forth of "How do you read that?" too.
It has a lot of strokes, it sounds strong, and there are no pre-made stamps for it.

For me, the "hassle of the interaction" outweighed the "benefit of being remembered because it's rare."

I wasn't attached to the surname, so I figured if Mom was changing hers, I would too.
Also, it was a good time for it, between graduating high school and entering university.

As a result, changing it to "Sugawara" gave my full name a softer look, so I like it.

I see.

I was different.

I chose "Otake."

I did not change my surname.

There were five main reasons for that.

1. It's rare, so people remember it.

The very thing my sister disliked—that it was "rare." It's true that whenever I had a new homeroom teacher or went to the hospital, they almost always couldn't read my name. But even so, it was a plus for me. It might be hard to read, but the degree to which it leaves an impression is outstanding. Once people see it, they don't easily forget it. I liked that.

② I felt I shouldn't reduce the number of people named "Otake," of whom there are only 30 in the whole country.

Apparently, there are only 30 people named Otake in the entire country. I don't know how true that is, though.

It's like a natural monument, or an Iriomote cat. I don't know the detailed origins of "Otake" or who my ancestors were, but I felt like I shouldn't just casually let the name fade away.

(By the way, half a year ago, when I started thinking seriously about surnames with my partner, I commissioned a family tree and surname origin investigation. The results should be arriving any day now. I wonder who my ancestors are.)

③ Being in the baseball world, the surname "Otake" is quite advantageous.

I had been playing baseball since junior high school. I initially joined as a manager, but because we were in such a rural area, we were short on players, and before I knew it, I became a player. I started as a beginner, but by the final tournament, I had climbed up to batting fifth and playing second base. That said, we were a weak team. We faced a top-tier city team in the first round and lost 25-0. That point spread—was this volleyball?

But they played seriously without intentionally swinging and missing, which made me happy. Thank you, everyone from the 1995 generation of Asahikawa Municipal Kitamon Junior High School's baseball team.

I joined the baseball team in high school, too. This time, I really did become a manager. It was rumored that the level of the stadium announcer at Asahikawa Higashi High School was at the Koshien level. However, the baseball team itself never made it to Koshien. When I was a sophomore in high school, the team of the person I liked defeated our team and made it to Koshien. But they ended up losing a comeback game to Ryukoku University Heian after being down by two runs with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. My romance with him is actually mentioned in this article.

Because of all that, having been immersed in the world of baseball throughout junior high and high school, the surname "Otake" was very attractive to me.

This is because there were times when people involved in the sport would say to me, "You have the same surname as the Waseda manager."

When I was in college and working a part-time job writing scores next to the NHK play-by-play announcer, the topic came up, and when I replied, "He's my father's cousin," the person who had been calling me "the part-timer" until then handed me their business card and started calling me "Ms. Otake." Bravo.

Being in the baseball world, the surname "Otake" is extremely advantageous.

Knowing that, I was even more reluctant to let it go.

④ I felt like the person I had been up until now would disappear

It was only 15 years, but for those 15 years, I had lived as "Marie Otake." I didn't want to become "Sugawara" here because I felt like I wouldn't be myself anymore.

I have a sense of pride in having cultivated "Marie Otake" as a brand.

Partly because it is rare, thanks to everyone, a lot of information has started to appear when I search for it. I hated the feeling that each one of those things would be as if it never existed. I didn't want to reset anything.

At the time, it felt strange for my mother and sister to stop using 'Otake' and start using 'Sugawara'.

Now, 10 years later, I can think that whether my mother is 'Otake' or 'Sugawara', she is still my mother, and my sister is still my sister. The other day, I tried writing out my mother and sister's full names with their surnames changed back to 'Otake'. I was surprised. Before I knew it, 'Otake' had become the one that felt strange.

In other words, it might just be a matter of getting used to it. But I didn't want to get used to it by leaving behind the me of the past 15 years.

5. I wanted to be with my father, at least in the family register

My sister chose the 'Sugawara' family register without hesitation. So, I thought it would be fair for me to remain 'Otake', my 15-year-old self reasoned. After all, my parents have two children, my sister and me.

Even without that, since custody went to 'Sugawara' and we wouldn't be living together, if my family register also became 'Sugawara', my father would truly be all alone.

Even as a middle school student, I already had the awareness that 'for some reason, Japan places importance on the family register'.

Since we were living apart, I wanted to be with my father at least in the family register. This was the biggest reason I chose 'Otake'.

And so, I actively chose 'Otake'.
A somewhat distorted life began, with my 'family register' under my father and 'custody' under my mother.

My choosing 'Otake' was not pleasing to my mother. It must be unpleasant for a daughter to continue using the surname of her ex-husband.

My mother's campaign of 'Why don't you change it to Sugawara~' lasted for many years.

But I didn't give in either.

I kept dodging it evasively. I feel like 20 was some kind of limit.

After my 20th birthday, the attacks of being called "Sugawara" stopped.

I had finally protected "Otake." I chose it. I won it.

Troubles of having a different surname from my parent

Because I, at 15, firmly refused to change my surname, after the divorce,

Mother "Sugawara"
Sister "Sugawara"
Me "Otake"

became our three-person household.

Among the family living together, I was the only one with a different surname.

Admittedly, there were a few things that were troublesome.

For example...

1. Mail sometimes doesn't arrive

Since only "Sugawara" was written on the nameplate, delivery workers would sometimes wonder and take it back. I remember almost losing my temper once when I didn't receive a postcard notifying me of a class reunion. Thanks to that, I learned to add "c/o Sugawara" to the address. This knowledge would later be put to great use in my shared housing life.

2. Being asked, "What is your relationship to this person?"

Whenever I had to submit a parental consent form to school, if I signed and stamped it as "Sugawara," I was occasionally asked, "What is your relationship to this person?" Each time, it was a bit of a hassle to have to explain, "She is my mother." I also feel like I didn't really want my friends to see the forms with the "Sugawara" signature on them.

3. Trouble with receiving educational savings?

The educational savings account my father opened for me. Because of the divorce, the contract holder and the person with parental authority became separated. My father is the contract holder, but since he doesn't have parental authority, he cannot withdraw the funds. My mother has parental authority, but since she is not the contract holder, she cannot withdraw them either.

In the end, my father had to write a power of attorney addressed to my mother. At that time, I was surprised to see "acquaintance" written in the field for the relationship between my father and mother. I realized, "Oh, I see, once you divorce, you are just acquaintances..."

Ah, but this happens to everyone when the contract holder and parental authority are separated, so maybe this isn't an issue specific to having different surnames. Oh well.

4. I needed more documents than everyone else to get a passport

When I decided to get a passport, I was still a minor. I needed the consent of a person with parental authority. I had my mother sign it as "Sugawara." As expected, I was asked.

"What is your relationship to this person?"

"She is my mother."

"Do you have proof of that?"

"P-proof???"

"Yes, please attach a document that proves you are parent and child."

I cried at that moment.

"In this country, no matter how much love there is, no matter how much time we have spent together, you can only prove a parent-child relationship with a single piece of paper. Even without this paper, the fact that she is my mother and I am her child doesn't change..."

I feel like that was when I truly realized that.

But that was all.

Other than that, I didn't have much trouble. I wasn't bullied, and I was never discriminated against because of it. Well, maybe I just wasn't aware of it.

Are family bonds damaged?

Now, returning to the story at the beginning, regarding the claim that "family bonds will be damaged" which appeared in the opinions of those opposed to the introduction of "selective separate surnames for married couples"...

My conclusion, based on my own experience, is that "even if surnames change, the bonds do not."

Whether my mother is "Otake" or "Sugawara," she is still my mother.

I have never once become estranged from my sister because we have different surnames.

My father has never changed his attitude toward me, who is "Otake," or my sister, who is "Sugawara."

So, when I heard the opinion that "family bonds will be damaged," I felt confused about what they were talking about.

Conversely, I am more worried about bonds that can be damaged just by a change in surname.

When I asked my sister, she gave the same answer.

Just because our surnames changed, nothing about our family has changed, right? I don't go through my daily life thinking, 'I'm Otake' or 'I'm Sugawara.'

That is exactly right.

The conclusion is, "Even if your surname changes, the bond does not."

What on earth are those who oppose it trying to protect?

I want to marry you. But I don't want to change my surname.

My partner and I were talking about surnames even before the word "marriage" ever came up.

・The fact that I have actively chosen to keep the surname "Otake" for 10 years
・The fact that I want to continue to cherish the surname "Otake"
・The fact that I haven't really had any trouble living with a different surname from my child for 10 years
・The fact that the name "Marie Otake" is a brand in itself

I even suggested to him, "Why don't you just become an Otake?"

Though he was vague at first, he gradually began to answer clearly.

I also feel an identity with my current surname in the same way.
That is why I want to keep this surname.

So, we decided to look into "what are the actual benefits of registering a marriage?" with the premise of a common-law marriage.

Benefits of registering a marriage

As a result, at this point, there have been no major benefits for us.

The two major differences between a common-law marriage and a registered marriage are these

1. Spousal deduction
2. Inheritance

1. Spousal deduction

For example, when you get married and one person stops working, or their income falls to 1.03 million yen or less, taxes become a little cheaper. It looks like a good deal at first glance, but for us, as we plan to continue working as a dual-income couple for a while, it makes no difference either way. It would be different if we had children and started taking parental leave, though.

2. Inheritance

If you register your marriage and become a legal couple, you can become a statutory heir to the estate or assets if one of you dies, but you cannot do that in a common-law marriage. That said, you can manage it through a will. However, the taxes at the time of inheritance are higher for common-law marriages, or something like that. (Regarding this, we might register our marriage when we get old? I hope a system is in place by then.)

Other than that, for example, joining health insurance is fine even in a common-law marriage, and as far as I have looked into it, things like welfare, child allowances, and the screening criteria or amounts for daycare are no different from a legal marriage.

In other words, I could not find any benefits to registering a marriage other than the two mentioned above.

Of course, I think there is still prejudice from society.

However, we could not find any benefits to the act of registering a marriage that outweighed a common-law marriage (= separate surnames for husband and wife).

And so, we decided to choose a common-law marriage.

How do you go about having a de facto marriage? What about a wedding anniversary?

What exactly defines a de facto marriage?

As far as I have researched, it is just a matter of having the resident record list the cohabitant as 'husband (unregistered)' or 'wife (unregistered)'.

Since registering a marriage is also just a single piece of paper, perhaps marriage is just that, or perhaps it is not.

Besides that, some de facto couples draw up a notarized deed regarding inheritance and rights in case of any disputes.

We also intend to create a notarized deed for the time being, and we plan to make that date our wedding anniversary.

What will you do when you have children?

I am sometimes asked this when I mention that we are in a de facto marriage.

'What will you do when you have children?'

If we continue our de facto marriage, basically the child's family register and parental authority will be under me, and he will need to go through the 'acknowledgment' procedure.

We plan to reconsider this at the stage of pregnancy or when we enroll the child in daycare.

Unlike me, who understood having a different surname at 15 and could explain it to others, a young child would not yet understand the situation well. If being different from others has a significantly large impact on the child, we may need to rethink things.

It would actually be best if separate surnames for married couples were realized before a child is born, but...

My parents' reaction to not registering our marriage was...

Father: "Well, as a man, I'm sure there's at least some feeling of wanting her to take my surname, but if he's fine with it, then I suppose it's fine."

Mother: "Oh, I see. I'd like to know, so tell me the reason." "I understand."

That was about it.

So far, I haven't faced any major opposition.

Since the formal introductions and discussing various matters are still to come, I don't know how things will turn out yet.

For now, I'm idly thinking that it might be catchy to title the Facebook post I'll eventually write to announce my marriage 'We decided not to register our marriage'.

When a couple divorces, they become 'acquaintances'

The 'meeting of both families' is an event that occurs when getting married.
For families that have divorced, it's a bit complicated.

Especially if the connection with the parent who left is still ongoing.

To me, my father and mother remain my parents. They remain important people to me.

That is why I want to introduce my partner to both of them.

However, after my father and mother divorced, they became 'acquaintances'.

In other words, they are strangers.

It would be strange to have a stranger at a formal meeting between families.

When I talked to my father, he said, 'I don't mind, but your mother probably wouldn't want me there, so it's fine to do it without me.'

Don't say such lonely things.

I'm thinking of asking the partner's parents if we could perhaps do it twice...

That said, due to her profession and the impact of COVID-19, it seems unlikely I'll be able to meet my mother in person for a while, so it looks like it will be on Zoom.

It's tough for people getting married during the COVID era.

A friend of mine also said they were going ahead without a formal meeting between families. I've finally started to understand the impact of COVID-19.

PS: If you know anyone like this, please introduce them to me.

So, I have written down the thoughts I've had regarding surnames since my engagement.

We just got engaged the other day.

In these COVID times, we haven't decided on anything yet, such as when to introduce each other to our families, whether to do it in person or online, when our wedding anniversary will be, or if we will have a wedding ceremony.

It seems unlikely that we will change our plan to proceed with a de facto marriage, so if you happen to know anyone in a similar situation, I would be happy if you could introduce us.

1. Couples who have chosen a de facto marriage and created a notarized deed
2. Administrative scriveners who are knowledgeable about creating notarized deeds for de facto marriages

I want to learn more as we prepare to create our notarized deed.

Ah, I really hope that separate surnames for married couples will be realized soon.

The end.