My Kanji of the Year is 'Release'
When the end of the year approaches, topics like 'What is your Kanji of the year?' start appearing on TV, and I find myself looking back on the year while watching them.
As for my year, it was a major turning point; I took early retirement in March and shifted from a life centered on work for many years to a more relaxed lifestyle.
For the last ten years or so, I was in a mentally difficult situation, and for about five years, I continued working while receiving treatment at a psychiatric clinic.
It was a depressive state caused by work, diagnosed as an adjustment disorder, but through talking with my doctor at the clinic, I began to feel that it wasn't just the environment, but my own habits of thinking that were cornering me.
Being strangely serious and unable to cut corners in a good way, worrying about things that haven't even happened, caring too much about what others think of me, being unable to rely on others, and so on.
Now, as I write this myself, I think again.
'Well, of course you'd get sick (laughs).'
Once I noticed those thoughts of mine and became able to say to myself, 'Ah, you're doing it again!', the pain gradually lessened.
Even though the last two years were very busy and carried heavy responsibilities, I was able to live without needing to visit the clinic much at all.
Then, I felt as if I heard a voice from somewhere saying,
'Isn't that enough?'
and I naturally headed toward bringing things to a close.
When I was trying hard to think about whether to quit or decline my position, I couldn't find an answer at all, but in the end, I worked while thinking, 'I'll just leave it to the flow.' It was a strange feeling that these things happen regardless of one's own efforts.
Or should I say, I was being moved...
Now, I am letting myself go with the flow, and I truly feel glad that I was able to experience it, which is why I think I heard that voice.
Because of that, my Kanji of the year is 'Release' (放).
Right now, I feel like my heart has been set free.
'Ah, it feels so good! 🎶'
I want to live comfortably next year too.
Finally, with gratitude to my husband who supported me the most,
Thank you ❤️