Before the divorce, my body knew the limits

Starting from the story of when I was enduring the pain of labor.

My body 'knew' better than my head.

I thought so as soon as I started suffering from labor pains.

When I was about eight months pregnant, I was so afraid of labor that I read books (laughs).
What was written there was, 'Let's breathe.'

So, during labor, I thought of breathing first and foremost,
and focused on my breathing.

I surrendered everything to my body, stopped being caught up in the 'pain' my head was telling me about,
and let go of 'enduring.'

The 'fear' stored in my body

Perhaps I had been storing the 'fear' of my husband
in my body for a long time.
No, I think I had been ignoring the 'fear' my body was emitting
for a long time.

Recently, I have finally been able to get angry or sad about my relationship with my husband.

I have also become able to notice the sensation of my throat tightening when I try to look at the 'legal documents' that come from my husband through his lawyer.

I think that feeling is actually such a small voice
that it gets drowned out in the busy days.
But at the same time, I thought it was a very honest feeling.

Or perhaps,
instead of a small voice,
my body was picking up that voice,
and it is something that remains in my body.

A small voice is hard to pick up, but
it might be easier to notice what my body is saying.
That is why I realized that my body 'might be right.'

When I first put the word 'divorce' into words with my husband

When my husband asked me, 'What will you do if we divorce?', I calmly and strongly declared, 'I will take care of the children,' but,

the next moment, I was sad and frustrated, and I couldn't express my feelings well.

I leaned my body against my favorite sofa and was at a loss.
At that moment,

The words suddenly popped into my head, as if my body had asked me.
The answer was, No.

I was raising a small baby with someone I could not trust.

My head kept pressing me with thoughts like,
I am this person's wife,
I married him because I loved him,
What will we do about money from now on?

but once I turned my attention to my body,

my body felt relieved, or rather, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, now that I could put into words that I did not trust him.

In fact, it was as if my body knew my true feelings better than I did.

Let's borrow the wisdom of the body.

I think it is difficult to cooperate as parents and raise a child together with someone you cannot trust.

Looking back, I cannot say that our educational philosophies were aligned.

When my body does not move the way my head wants it to,
I practice accepting it once by saying, "Oh, I see."

Take a breath

If it won't move, it can't be helped.
My body might be trying to tell me
something important.

I don't want to miss that voice anymore.
Because I have learned how right it is.