Akai-chan's Monologue | On your day off, are you really there?

It's morning.

Even though it's a day off, I find myself feeling a little anxious the moment I wake up.

I don't have to rush like I do on weekdays, but somehow the feeling of 'I need to spend this day properly' comes first.

Before the kids wake up, I think, let me do this, let me do that.

Even though I should be able to take it easy, it feels like my body has already started moving on its own.

The light coming through the gap in the curtains feels a bit gentler than on a weekday.

Even though I have the time, I can't seem to embrace that space well.

My head knows it's a day off, but my heart feels like it's still running on weekday mode.

For now, I'll brew some coffee.

This is just a habit now.

The time I spend blankly watching the steam rise, I feel a little bit calmer.

But even during that time, things have already started in my head.

Where should we go today?

Will the kids get bored?

Since it's a day off, should I do something for them?

Before I know it, I'm filled with 'plans to have a fun day'.

Whether to go out, what to do at home, how to handle shopping, how to manage the time.

Even though it's a day off, a 'to-do list' has formed on its own.

It's not that I dislike it.

Time with the kids is important, and I have a desire to do things right.

Actually, I think I'm the type who wants to do things properly.

And yet, at random moments, I think to myself,

'Are you actually resting?'

That's kind of strange, isn't it?

Even though it's supposed to be a day off, the feeling of 'resting properly' has gone somewhere.

The things I'm doing should be fun, but somewhere, the feeling of 'just getting through them' is mixed in.

Even when I go to the park, I'm watching the kids while thinking, 'What should I do next?'

Even when I'm eating, I'm planning, 'What time should we head home after this?'

I'm laughing, I'm talking, and I'm supposed to be with them properly.

But there are moments when only my heart feels a little bit detached.

I sometimes wonder, 'Am I really savoring this moment right now?'

I don't think this is about being lazy.

It's actually the opposite; I think it's a state of trying too hard to 'do things right'.

I'm even demanding a proper way to spend my day off.

I have to make it a good day off.

I have to make it a fun day for the kids.

The more I think that, the more the space inside me gets filled up little by little.

And before I know it, it's become more about 'managing' than 'enjoying'.

Planning, being attentive, and keeping things flowing smoothly.

I think it's amazing that I can do that.

It's proof that I'm facing things properly, and that I haven't given up.

But, if that continues all the time, things get a little out of sync.

My body is spending the day off properly, but it feels like my heart hasn't entered the day off yet.

By the time evening comes, I start to feel a little tired.

It's a different kind of tiredness from being worn out from playing.

It's hard to explain, but it's a tiredness from 'having been on edge'.

At night, after the kids are asleep.

There are days when I think, 'I did a good job today,' but

there are also days when I feel a bit empty.

It should have been fun, but it's like I didn't fully feel it somewhere.

I was moving all day, but it feels like it didn't really stay in my heart.

This is probably just a guess.

I think my 'way of resting' was just a little bit off.

You don't have to do anything grand.

You don't have to go to a special place, and you don't have to make it a perfect day.

Actually, just a little gap is fine.

Like the time you spend blankly looking at the sky while the kids are playing beside you.

Or the moment you're not thinking about anything while drinking coffee.

At that moment, just remembering, 'Oh, I'm here,' is enough.

Just that is enough to bring yourself back.

On a day off, 'what you do' is important, but

I think 'what state you are in' is just as important.

You'll get the things done anyway.

The more you are a person who does things properly, the better you can manage them.

But, if your own sense of self isn't in there,

no matter how fulfilling it is, you'll be left behind just a little bit.

So today,

you don't have to try to do everything perfectly.

You don't have to try to make it a good day off.

Just once is enough,

I want you to try remembering, 'Am I here right now?'

It can be when you're listening to the kids' voices, or

when you're taking a breather by yourself.

For just that one moment, return to your own senses.

Just that will change the content of your day off a little.

Spending the day properly is important, but

I think 'feeling' it properly is just as important.

You don't have to push yourself.

Because you are doing things properly, it's okay to let your guard down a little.

If you can think, 'Oh, I'm here,' even once during the day,

I think that's enough.