Overcoming Hardship and Learning to Enjoy Uncertainty | An Interview with Sora Ayase, Graduate of the O2 Note Club

Interviewer / Yuko Tomita (O2) - Note Club Organizer

I couldn't help but be dazzled by people who wrote paid notes

——Thank you for joining us! What kind of worries did you have before joining the Note Club?

Sora: I just couldn't challenge myself to write a paid note. I couldn't find value in what I wrote. People who could write paid notes were dazzling, and I thought, "I have nothing."

——Why did the Note Club resonate with you?

Sora: Because O2-san is a person who doesn't judge. I felt like I could face myself without putting on a front. I didn't hesitate to sign up, but I couldn't sleep that night. I was scared, thinking, "I'm going to write a paid note, can I really put a price on it?"

——How was it when you actually joined?

Sora: The members valued their own worlds, and there was a sense of security, like everyone gathered around a kotatsu. There was no pressure or chasing numbers, just an atmosphere of celebrating each other's challenges. It was a place where I could feel that "I'm writing alone, but I'm not alone."

I, who couldn't even cross the 100-yen barrier, challenged myself to a 500-yen experiment

——Where was your first hurdle?

Sora: The belief that "it's not even worth 100 yen." But what I learned in the Note Club was the idea that "if it's something you're not ashamed of, it's okay to put a price on it," and "the reader chooses, and you protect yourself." I realized that deciding on value isn't about being presumptuous, but about drawing a line to protect what you are satisfied with.

——So you actually tried a paid note.

Sora: I published an article about my mother for 500 yen. As a result, my stomach was in knots for about three hours (laughs). But I understood that it was a price that the current me couldn't reach yet. I only realized my own hurdles after trying it. The experience of actually publishing was the first step toward self-understanding.

——The spirit of just trying to write is important, isn't it?

Before, I thought people who could publish paid notes were special beings, "people from another world." But I was taught that "the act of posting itself has value," and I began to acknowledge myself little by little.At first, I was so scared that I thought "the world would turn upside down if I published a paid note," but in reality, nothing happened. The world didn't change, and no one criticized me. The fear was only in my own imagination.Now, I feel that whether it's paid or free, it's fine as long as I post it in a way I'm satisfied with. Once I understood that, writing itself became much more fun.

As I put things into words, the incredibly painful version of myself disappeared before I knew it

——You've gotten the hang of writing what you want to write.

Sora: Yes. Until now, I tied myself up with "it has to be this way" and assumed how others would react. But in reality, no one was paying attention to me (laughs). The one who was judging me most harshly was myself. That frame was removed, and the pain decreased.——Was it difficult to face yourself?Sora: It was really painful at first. But once I got into the habit of facing myself, I became able to put my vague feelings into words. For example, if my husband didn't wash the dishes, I used to get irritated, thinking, "Why won't he get up?" but now I can take a step back and think, "I wonder when he's planning to wash them." I've become able to find the situation amusing.

——That is a truly big change.Sora: I've become able to adjust the boundary between anger and finding things amusing myself. If I feel like my emotions are going to get rough, I distance myself. If I think I can enjoy it as I am now, I get closer. I've become able to hold the steering wheel of my emotions myself.

Even when something makes me angry, if I write about it on note, I can find a place to settle my feelings by thinking, 'Come to think of it, it wasn't that big of a deal.' Now, I can think, 'Even if I get angry, I can write about it on note.'

Before, I used to put myself at the center, thinking, 'I feel this way, so why won't my husband do anything?' but I've come to understand that the other person has their own feelings, too. I realized that anger, sadness, and joy are born because each person's emotions intersect, and that changed how I see the world.

——So you've become able to see things from a broader perspective.

Ayase: Yes. I've also become able to organize the act of giving up, not as 'this is the end,' but as 'this isn't necessary for me.' Once I could put the process of giving up into words, the habit of blaming myself disappeared. I'm not 'someone who can't become anything,' but rather, I am expressing myself authentically as I am right now. That is enough, and I feel that life is fun now.

Until you get off the roller coaster and hold a cushion

——How do you feel about your recent changes?

Ayase: There are fewer things that scare me. Before, it was scary not knowing what I was thinking, and my emotions would spin around, making me angry or tearful. By writing things out, I became able to see myself from a slightly detached place, and I stopped getting sucked into my emotions.

Because I know what I was reacting to, I can gently distance myself. Since I've become able to protect my heart, critical words have also decreased. I've become able to think, 'Well, some people are like that,' and that has created room for me.

——So you've developed a habit of finding things interesting.

Ayase: That's right. I'm now in a state where I've gotten off the roller coaster and am holding a cushion. Before, I was always getting hurt by bumping into other people's words and actions, but now, even if I run into differences in thinking, I just bounce off them and find it interesting. That's why I'm less likely to get hurt.

——You've become able to separate it from yourself.

Ayase: Even if someone starts a membership or begins selling paid notes, it doesn't cause any waves. Other people's success is just them making a 'choice I didn't make.' Once I could think that way, the impatience and the urge to compare naturally disappeared. I've even come to enjoy being uncertain now. The world won't turn upside down, and I can decide my own value. I've come to believe that nothing in life is a waste.

To you, who feels like you can no longer keep up with your own emotional changes

——Who would you recommend the Note Club to?

Ayase: I want people who are struggling but don't know what they are struggling with to come here. This isn't a place to learn note skills, but a place to face your own heart. As you gradually put your true feelings into words, you'll become able to notice emotions you were too scared to look at directly.

All the members write while struggling, but someone always accepts it by saying, 'You did a great job.' It was a warm place where I could get closer to my true feelings, as if I were taking off my clothes one layer at a time.

——Please give a message to the readers.

Ayase: O2-san is someone who runs alongside you while being completely open. Seeing them continue to express their true feelings without defending themselves made me think, 'I want to dig a little deeper into myself, too.'

Writing on note is looking at your own heart. Beyond the three months of nurturing your heart, there is the freedom to express yourself, and you should be able to realize that the seeds of expression are already within you.

(The End)

Written by /Erisa Ishikawa

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