I was being mean without realizing it

When I spoke to my husband while he was doing the dishes after dinner, he said that to me, and I could feel my anger switch flip on.

When I repeated myself in a sharper tone, my husband looked surprised and added to his comment.

But it was too late.
My anger switch had already been flipped.

My husband usually speaks in a slow, monotone way, so depending on the time and situation, I sometimes take his words as cold.Last night was exactly one of those times.

The reason was that I was exhausted from being swamped with work and plans.
My mind was sensitive due to lack of sleep.

After that, I didn't want to talk to my husband, so even when he spoke to me, I gave only the bare minimum response. I knew that if we kept talking, we would end up fighting.

Noticing my anger, my husband said something he wouldn't normally say.

He had been watching me work on shipping the books for the past few days.

Usually, he doesn't care about my work at all...

Because I was still angry, I could only give him a curt answer.

This is my husband's default.

What my husband wants to value is knowing the schedule in advance.

What I want to value is offering words of care and encouragement.

Because our priorities are different, our married life has often been full of misunderstandings.

Even though I vow to do that, when we fight, I end up being cold and harsh.

Specifically, I just say Yes/No or stay silent.

Besides, up until just two months ago, I was acting like this.

On weekends, my husband is in charge of cooking.
Since I do the cooking on weekdays, my honest feeling is that I don't want to help at all on weekends. I want to relax.

Even when we went out and dinner was late, I would just lounge around with the kids and not help.

When I told someone about how I was acting, they...

"Otsu-san, aren't you being mean to your husband?"

I was told this, and it came as a shock.

While I wanted to be a kind person, I was actually acting coldly toward the person closest to me.

The reason was that I was treating my husband poorly because he didn't meet my expectations, acting in a self-righteous way.

In other words, I was looking down on him unconsciously.

That's why I would act cold on purpose or refuse to help. I was rebelling against my husband.

I hadn't realized it at all until it was pointed out to me.
It's embarrassing.

I had been doing that unconsciously for eight years of marriage. No wonder my husband would sulk.

After receiving that person's feedback, I re-examined my own behavior.

For example, when dinner on the weekend was running late, I proactively shared the tasks. As a result, I didn't keep the children waiting, and we were able to sit at the table with time to spare.

My husband seemed somewhat happy.

I also started observing myself to see when my triggers are activated.

My husband's way of expressing himself is plain, but it is a fact that he has feelings of concern and a desire to care for me.

After all, he bought me a souvenir because he went into the city center today.

Just because things don't go the way I want doesn't mean it's okay to look down on someone.

There are likely still other things I am doing unconsciously.

I want to reflect on my actions every day and listen to what others say so that I can become aware of my unconscious behaviors.