The 'attention-seeker' inside me is running wild and I'm having trouble handling it (Kokoro no Marche)

Hello, I'm Haruka Ashibe, an overseas-escape counselor living in the passionate country of Spain. The temperature has dropped significantly over the past few days, and it's starting to feel like autumn. What is the weather like in your area?
Today, I would like to respond to a consultation sent to *Kokoro no Marche.
*(A blog where disciples who have graduated from counselor Hiroyuki Nemoto's counselor training course provide free responses to consultations from everyone.)

Hello, Blue Rabbit! Nice to meet you, I'm Haruka Ashibe.
Thank you for your consultation.

Reading this, I found myself wanting to hear your story. After all, it might mean you have so much you want to talk about, right?

<My boyfriend finds it annoying, and
I tend to go over time in counseling

It's painful when you're trying so hard to talk, but you aren't being accepted, isn't it?
Going over time in counseling might not be something to laugh about, but...
Around what time did you start feeling this way, Blue Rabbit?

<My appearance isn't too pretty, but it's easy to get along with
I have a personality and atmosphere that people like

I can picture a lovely woman who is always surrounded by people. With a quality that makes people like you, I'm sure you don't have trouble making friends or getting a boyfriend, do you?

<I always want to be in a circle of people
But in reality, I can't get into the circle
I always have the feeling of being pushed away

You are in a circle of people, but do you feel like you are the only one who is a little distant from others? And perhaps you feel somewhat guilty about yourself for feeling that way.

<But sometimes people say my eyes aren't smiling
I've also been told I'm scary
(That was a shock! I cried about it later)

That is certainly a shock, to be told something like that. I wondered if perhaps the feeling of not being connected to the people around you was showing in your eyes. When you are with a large group of people and feel lonely, isn't it possible that you feel even more alone than when you are by yourself? Where does that sense of loneliness come from?

Let me make some inferences from the content of the consultation you provided.

Could it be that the 'attention-seeker' inside you is not the current Blue Rabbit, but the young Blue Rabbit from your childhood? Is it possible that the one running wild, saying 'Listen to me, pay attention to me, remember me,' and the one you are having trouble handling, is the adult Blue Rabbit?

Even though you have been surrounded by people since you were small, there is a sense that your hearts were not connected. I felt that while the current Blue Rabbit might be satisfied, the little girl inside your heart is crying out, 'I don't want that anymore!'

You might ask, 'Even though three generations lived together?'

There were always adults around, but don't adults sometimes feel relieved just as long as someone is with the child? They don't pay much attention to the content of the conversation... I think that perhaps you really wanted someone to listen to you carefully, but there was no one who would. Can't 'wanting someone to listen to you' be rephrased as 'wanting to be understood'?

Blue Rabbit, perhaps you have grown up holding onto loneliness, having become accustomed to that environment while wishing all along since you were a child that someone would listen to you and know the person you are?

<But in reality, I can't get into the circle
I always have the feeling of being pushed away
When someone comes closer and says, 'Come over here more'
I tuck my tail and run away

You likely feel most comfortable when you are in a circle of people. However, when someone tries to close the emotional distance, you might get scared and try to distance yourself (run away) again. It is possible that you are unconsciously trying to recreate the sense of distance you had with the people around you in your childhood (where you were physically surrounded by people, but the psychological distance was probably a bit far).

Therefore, if you heal the feelings of the 'Aoi Usagi' (Blue Rabbit) from that time, wouldn't the balance of physical and psychological distance improve, making it easier for you to be around others?

As a countermeasure, I think you should definitely re-read the book on loneliness by our mentor, Nemoto-sensei. You are already consulting with a counselor, right? Also, the fact that you are naturally in a circle of people means you have the talent to attract others and to entertain or soothe the atmosphere for those around you. Have you accepted that charm of yours? Otherwise, if it were me, I would write a letter to my younger self. You might find all sorts of things coming up, like what you wanted someone to listen to.

Maybe you wanted someone to listen because you thought of a good idea.
Maybe something happened with another child, and you were sad and wanted to be comforted.
Maybe you were feeling down and wanted to be hugged and told it would be okay.
Maybe you wanted to please an adult, but they said, 'I'm busy now, later,' and didn't pay attention to you.
Maybe you just wanted to play together.
But you couldn't get them to turn your way.

That little child probably wanted to cry. But you suppressed those feelings, didn't show your tears, and have worked hard until now, haven't you? That's admirable. But it's okay to cry now. Because you've been holding it in and working hard until today. You don't have to hold it in anymore.

I don't know who they were, but I believe that the person (or people) you wanted attention from must have been someone that the young Aoi Usagi loved very much.

The reason your desire for attention overflows is surely because you have suppressed so much love. To the point where it runs wild. To the point where you yourself are bewildered by it.

If you can heal yourself, you will be able to meet your own needs without relying on others. I also think you will no longer be troubled by physical distance. You will be able to choose. You won't feel lonely when you are alone, and you will be able to enjoy it. And when you are with a large group, you will be able to enjoy being with people even more.

You are a very affectionate person, Aoi Usagi. I hope you can express your charming, friendly nature more freely and wrap the people around you in a warm, gentle happiness. You might even discover that you are a very good listener yourself.

Thank you for reading. This was Haruka Ashibe.