A Book I Want Parents of Children Who Refuse to Go to School to Read: What Children Are Really Thinking

Hello, Meme here!

I read several books a month.
However, there are times when I can't pick up a book, of course.
Even at those times, taking in information through my ears is essential.

During housework or while commuting, I put in my wireless earphones
and listen mostly to the radio.
Among them, I often listen to the internet radio service Voicy.

One person who started broadcasting at the end of last year, and whom I listen to every morning like a morning assembly,
is the broadcast by psychiatrist Dr. Sawa.

Among the many personalities,
there is a reason why I prefer to listen to Dr. Sawa's broadcast.

While being a psychiatrist, I like her unpretentious personality.
She doesn't try to act like a doctor more than necessary,
and in front of her listeners, she lets her joy explode,
or sometimes sheds tears; her deeply emotional personality gradually comes through.
I'm sure that in the examination room, she is exactly the same as the Dr. Sawa on Voicy.

And above all,
we share the common ground of raising children who are neurodivergent and refuse to go to school,
so I take the liberty of listening to her feeling like she is a fellow mother (a comrade) walking the same pathless path.

Today, I would like to introduce my impressions of Dr. Sawa's book,
"What Children Are Really Thinking".

When I read it to try and understand the "child's heart,"
it was a book that made me want to hug myself uncontrollably.

This is a book that will provide insights to any parent who reads it,
but it is especially a book that I want parents who are struggling with developmental disabilities or school refusal to pick up.

Can you see "what children are really thinking"?

If you saw this title at a bookstore,
any parent would surely want to turn the page, thinking, "Huh? What my child is really thinking?"...

Any parent raising a child
"My child has reached puberty and I don't understand their feelings."
"Why is it only my child who isn't doing well..."
"My child won't act the way I want them to..."
"Even when I talk to them, I don't get a reply..."
Yes, they have probably thought that.

It's painful not knowing what your child is feeling.
If you feel that way, I want you to at least look at the table of contents first.
Let me note down the headings that made my heart skip a beat.

How many headings caught your attention?

A book that makes you realize the "should-thinking" within yourself

What appears in this book is
・Parents and children met in the examination room
・"Dr. Sawa" as a mother
・"Dr. Sawa" as a child and her mother
These three things are what is written.

The mothers met in the examination room,
Dr. Sawa herself,
Dr. Sawa's mother,
and even I myself who am reading this...

It is a book that makes you realize that you are doing some rather painful parenting
clothed in "should-thinking."

Reflecting on 'How I Was Raised'

This book is very easy to read with its short chapters,
and since key points are underlined in red,
it is accessible even for those who don't usually read books.

The content is written about Dr. Sawa's painful memories of being raised by an education-obsessed mother,
and what she thinks now that she has become a parent herself.

My reaction was, 'Whoa! Is this about me and my mother?'

My mother, who divorced when I was in high school,
had a habit of saying, 'Get a stable job so you can live without relying on a husband.'

She said it so often that I got sick of it,
and in the end, I chose a workplace that my mother wanted, thinking, 'Well, men aren't reliable, so she has a point.'

It was a job I took with pride,
but when I started raising children, I was crushed by everything—work, childcare, and housework.


But always, in the end,my mother's words, 'You must not let go of a stable job!',
weighed heavily on me.

When my eldest son became completely truant,
I couldn't easily escape the curse of 'Should I quit my job? But my mother would be sad.'

Then, my husband, who was worried about the relationship between my mother and me,
'Is that really true? You and your mother are different people, aren't you? Why don't you choose the easier path for yourself sometimes?' he said, saving me.

For the first time, I realized I am not living my mother's life.
I don't have to fulfill my mother's wishes.
I can walk my own path.
I was able to take one step out of my mother's curse.

The meaning of 'doing one's best'

This part also struck a chord with me.
My home could hardly be called a calm household.
We had a heavy-drinking father, and the family was pushed around by him.
Even after that, I felt I had to support my divorced mother...
Standing desperately on my own with still-immature feet,
I think I tried incredibly hard.
I thought that was natural; I thought I couldn't live otherwise.

My 'doing my best' often pushed the gauge to the limit,
and since I demanded the same from my husband,
I clashed with him a lot after we got married.

With my eldest son becoming truant and my perspective changing somewhat,
while there are good aspects to showing my 'doing my best' side...
I started to think that I might be unknowingly imposing the expectation
that one should do their best, just like my mother did.

My habit of creating work and keeping myself busy whenever I have free time
is still a challenge for me (laughs).

The 'answer to a child's life' is within the child

I have some thoughts about this part as well.

In the process of raising children, I often think:
・Is it my fault for giving birth to a child with developmental irregularities?
・Was my involvement the cause of the truancy?
I end up thinking things like that.

But it is true that there is no point in thinking about things that have no answer.
That was gently taught to me, and I suddenly felt relieved.

And although I am the type of person who tends to jump into a time machine and worry about this and that as if I were peeking into my eldest son's future,
there is no good in jumping ahead and drawing conclusions about the answers the children themselves will eventually find.

I want to be a parent who can rejoice together with him, saying,
'So this is what you wanted to become,' regarding the answer he finds in his own way.

Meeting my childhood self

This book does not in any way present an 'ideal image' of a parent.

Before we were parents, we were all children ourselves.
If you want to remember what you felt when you were a child, I want you to pick up this book.

It is strange how, as I read through it and various parents and children appear,
I find myself projecting onto them.
At times, my childhood self overlaps,
and at other times, the parent I have become overlaps.

In that process,
I recall the knots that existed between myself and my parents,
and realize that they have some influence on my own parenting.

I would like to introduce this as a 'healing book' that helps untangle those knots.

If you feel like you would like to read it after hearing this,
please do pick up the book.

It's okay to be whoever you are

This was written on the book's obi strip.

How healing these words alone are.

And after finishing this book,
words I wanted to say to my past self overflowed.
I want to write them down so I don't forget.

Until now, you didn't say you couldn't do things even when they were impossible,
and you took on everything and did your best, didn't you? Thank you for your hard work.
You really did your best, didn't you?

But,
you didn't have to try so hard.
It would have been okay to rest.
It would have been okay to say you didn't want to.
It would have been okay to run away.
It would have been okay to give up and say 'I can't do it.'
It would have been okay to pretend you didn't hear.
It would have been okay to say 'I am who I am.'
It would have been okay to cry.
It would have been okay to be dependent.
It would have been okay not to be perfect.

I wanted someone to tell me that it was okay to be whoever I was.
No matter what choices I made, it would have been okay in the end.

'No matter who you are, you will be loved and you can live happily.'

To my childhood self, my current self,
and to my own children, I want to convey this.