The Courage to Confide Your Anxieties

Since meeting my current partner, he has helped boost my self-esteem.

We met at a time when we had both been through many different experiences. Perhaps that is why we are able to be considerate of each other, and I have come to feel grateful for all my past connections—the painful times, the difficult moments, and the periods I would never want to return to.

Now, I have no anxiety about our future relationship, and I have become able to communicate anything, including things I dislike or feel uneasy about.
Though I am still learning how to communicate each time.
In the past, I could never say such things to a lover. Instead, I would let my anxieties build up until they exploded, repeating that cycle over and over.

To trivial words or actions, I would react excessively, thinking,
Am I being hated?
Am I being looked down upon?
Is he going to leave me?

When I felt anxious, I would press him,
Why?

When my expectations were betrayed, I would demand,
Why won't you do this for me?

A little time would pass, and I would say,
I'm sorry.
You hate a person like me, don't you?
...
What I wanted was for him to say, 'That's not true.'

｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡
I knew myself that I was a difficult woman, and
my self-esteem would plummet.

In the midst of all that, my current partner has been gradually transforming me.

✴️Who is the frustration or sadness directed at?
First, clarify this.

It is almost always frustration with myself.
I was often frustrated with myself for not being able to express my feelings well.
I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want to make him sad.

✴️Communicate whether you just want to be heard, are seeking an opinion, or what you want to happen.

So, when I would press him strongly and he would reply with,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I felt, 'I don't want you to apologize. When you apologize, it makes me feel like the bad guy,' and when I told him that directly,
he felt relieved.

He had his own trauma from a past girlfriend, and
he told me that he would apologize out of habit.

We both care for each other, want to cherish one another, and want to build a precious relationship.
That is why
I have begun to feel that communicating what I feel is important.

I am clumsy at communicating,
and I have a habit of reading too much into the other person's words and actions, interpreting them in a twisted way,
sometimes taking them as sarcasm.
My values, which were like that, are now changing little by little.

As someone with a sensitive temperament, I think I am relatively observant. Because of that, I often find myself wondering, 'Why don't you do this for me?'
However, I have started to think that perhaps I haven't been noticing the kindness and consideration that others show in their own way.

Instead of reacting to the emotions of the moment,
I try to look at the heart of the matter and communicate what I really want to say.
The closer the relationship—with family or those around me—the more easily emotions can influence things, so I want to continue studying this.

Of course, it's not just this,

・As in the previous article, the things I have practiced to avoid exceeding my capacity at work.

・Treating myself with care.

・Accepting everything as good, seeing everything as an opportunity for growth, and consistently facing myself without running away.

I believe that the accumulation of many different things has led to the encounters and ways of thinking I have now.
Moving forward, I will continue to work on self-transformation, aiming to become a warm-hearted Okome who can give love fully to others.🌈

Okome.