41. The Three Sins of McDonald's: Part 2

This time, I will continue to talk about McDonald's. In the previous installment, I listed two of McDonald's sins: "making additional nugget sauce a paid option" and "the edamame corn being mediocre." However, the third sin I will list this time is a major crime that cannot be compared to those. So, just like last time, I would like the McDonald's management team to read this while sitting in seiza.

3. The 'Aburi Shoyu-style Bacon Tomato Thick Beef' Samurai Mac has been discontinued.

The 'self' I think I am and the 'self' others see do not always match. In fact, they are often far apart. I continue to call myself a 'die-hard teriyaki eater' because it sounds good when I say it, but in reality, I haven't eaten it much lately. Before I knew it, five years had passed since I last had one. The cause is the 'Aburi Shoyu-style Bacon Tomato Thick Beef,' which has a product name as long as the classic J-POP songs 'Ai no Mama ni Wagamama ni Boku wa Kimi Dake wo Kizutsukenai' or 'Ano Musume Boku ga Long Shoot Kimetara Donna Kao Suru Darou.' This burger, which possessed a deliciousness that lived up to its long name, appeared in April 2020 as a regular menu item in the highly popular 'Samurai Mac' series. Since then, it has been a star player for McDonald's, holding its position for a long time.

The patty, labeled 'thick beef,' lacked the junk-food feel typical of McDonald's and was an authentic-style burger you'd expect from a serious burger joint. 'Hey, Mac. I didn't expect you to come at me with such a serious, authentic patty,' I thought, feeling taken aback at first. Even though the patty alone was overflowing with more than enough meatiness, the addition of two slices of bacon gave it a destructive power on par with Thor's hammer. Since it was topped with the richest and most aggressive sauce McDonald's offers, it felt like it might cause heartburn, but the addition of tomato, lettuce, onion, and cheese eliminated the greasiness and further highlighted the deliciousness of the meat and sauce. It was a masterpiece built on a truly miraculous balance.

At the time this was released, I was truly a 'die-hard teriyaki eater' without a lie. Aside from limited-time items, I was an unwavering man who always chose 'teriyaki only.' However, my encounter with this burger changed everything. When I first tried it, I thought it was delicious, but there was a part of me that couldn't be honest, thinking, 'I don't want that from McDonald's' or 'The charm of McDonald's is the cheap patty, even if I wouldn't go so far as to call it thin.' But after repeating, 'Should I try that one again?', I found myself in a heavy rotation before I knew it. As a result, the number of orders for the teriyaki I had been ordering for decades plummeted. The only time I would order a substitute was when I got 'Aburi Shoyu-style fatigue' from visiting McDonald's day after day. That's how much the frequency decreased.
Thus, I betrayed the teriyaki I had been with for many years and ran to the 'Aburi Shoyu-style.' Common words like 'I love you' cannot fully express that passion. If I had to force it, and to put it in the style of Shibugakitai, it is 'Zokkon Inochi LOVE' (Deeply in Love). I was there, unable to see anything but the Aburi Shoyu.

It is a relatively well-known fact that McDonald's has a high degree of freedom for customization, such as removing specified ingredients or adding them. For example, you can add or remove pickles and onions, and you can also increase the amount of hamburger sauce. You can also increase the salt on the fries or switch to a zero-salt mode with no salt at all. Having become 'Zokkon Inochi LOVE,' I started using this to customize the 'Aburi Shoyu-style.' I aimed for even greater heights beyond the 'miraculous balance' I mentioned earlier.

After trying various things, I arrived at the method of removing the cheese and adding one slice of tomato. Removing the cheese emphasizes the Japanese taste. However, since the richness of the sauce stands out too much when the cheese is gone, I balance it out with the tomato. The increased tomato adds a strong vegetable feel, creating a luxury you wouldn't expect from McDonald's. It is truly a supreme dish.
The problem is the price: 570 yen for the item alone, plus 40 yen for the tomato topping, making it a staggering 610 yen—a price that is also un-McDonald's-like. Even while saying that, I end up ordering it because it's too delicious; it's a devilish, bewitching hamburger. When I discovered this customization, I was terrified of my own talent for creating such a terrifying thing.

By the way, please keep in mind that there are frequent rule changes regarding toppings, and there are cases where stores may or may not do it at their own discretion. I am sure that many of the brothers reading this essay are 'die-hard McDonald's eaters.' 'Be a gentleman when ordering, be a beast when eating' is the motto of a true McDonald's eater. If a staff member tells you, 'We can't do that,' it is smart etiquette to quietly follow the store's rules. You should never show the ugly behavior of complaining, like 'They did it for me at another store!' After taking such care not to inconvenience the store, I hope everyone will use it well and aim for even greater heights with their favorite hamburger.

Now, that 'Aburi Shoyu-style' that I was 'Zokkon Inochi LOVE' with was suddenly discontinued this March. I was just stunned by this obituary. Even now, when I remember that time, I tremble with anger, and at the same time, I feel sad and my heart aches. I want to scream, 'Give me back my Aburi Shoyu-style Bacon Tomato Thick Beef!'
When I learned it was discontinued, I firmly vowed to go eat it one last time. I had to perform 'The Last Gig of me and the Aburi Shoyu-style Bacon Tomato Thick Beef.' A super hot gig to wrap up these five years. However, reality is heartless. In the end, I couldn't make the time and reached the day of discontinuation without being able to eat it. Yes, I couldn't even say 'goodbye' to him.

I tried to imagine the reason for the discontinuation, and it seems that McDonald's stopped handling tomatoes. The end of tomato toppings was also announced at the same time. Indeed, tomatoes are difficult to handle because they have a high water content. Physical disadvantages include the sogginess it causes, and taste disadvantages include the dilution of flavor. Besides, unlike Mos Burger, which has a lineup that relies on tomatoes, McDonald's only uses them for the 'Aburi Shoyu' and some limited-time items, so it is likely an ingredient that easily leads to waste loss. I understand that just by eliminating that, the on-site operation becomes much easier and the company's costs go down. However, my honest opinion is that I wanted them to dig deeper into the possibilities of tomatoes.

Regarding this matter, it is completely out. The 'Aburi Shoyu-style Egg Bacon Thick Beef,' which features the 'patty + egg + bacon' combination that I said was a favorite last time, was introduced to fill the hole left by this one, but the feeling of loss from losing the 'Aburi Shoyu-style Bacon Tomato Thick Beef' is far greater than the joy of being able to eat that all year round. There may be circumstances at McDonald's, but the viciousness of robbing Aburi Shoyu-style lovers all over Japan of the joy of living has no room for extenuating circumstances. Let me say it in the style of Golgo: 'Guilty.'

4. The possibility of a resale of the Kebab-style Chicken Burger is gone.

I said at the beginning that I would count three sins of McDonald's, but I found a fourth sin, so I'll mention it while I'm at it. I personally have two masterpieces from McDonald's. The 'Aburi Shoyu-style Bacon Tomato Thick Beef' I was complaining about until just now, and the 2022 limited-time item 'Kebab-style Chicken Burger'.
As the name implies, it's chicken with a kebab-style sauce. As with tacos, I have a weakness for this kind of seasoning using chili powder. While I was excitedly waiting for the sale to start, I happened to see a video. It was a video of Junichi Okada, who appeared in the commercial, repeatedly saying, 'This is seriously delicious' at a press conference for the commercial. From his appearance, I could clearly feel a passion that was not just lip service. It was a cry from the heart as a simple hamburger eater. Perhaps he is a comrade with a soul close to ours. 'Since a man like Mr. Okada talks about it so passionately, I must eat it,' my expectations rose even higher. And when I actually went to eat it, I was hooked. This was too delicious.

Quoting the product description at the time, it says, 'A spicy kebab-style sauce with five spices such as garlic and chili pepper, and a mellow sweet lemon sauce bring out the deliciousness of the chicken and vegetables.' There is no doubt that an approach that puts spices to the fore is basically compatible with this kind of junk food. Especially noteworthy are chili (red pepper) and tomato. The fact that this combination 'clicks' is proven by dining tables all over the world. Even as we speak, it is highly active in various dishes in various countries, such as kebab sauce in the Arab world, salsa sauce in Latin America, arrabbiata in Italy, and Cup Noodle Chili Tomato Noodle in Japan. This hamburger also follows that equation, and the spicy kebab-style sauce using chili and the tomato sandwiched in between do a good job. They become the backbone, making the chicken and other vegetables taste even better. This combination of chili and tomato, which can be said to be commonplace, sublimates the 'Kebab-style' into something extraordinary.

The life of McDonald's limited-time items is as short as a cicada's. It is common that you ate it before and when you try to eat it again, it is already discontinued. I knew that, so I visited it repeatedly that summer. This was all I had for lunch on my days off. As a result, I went to eat it four times. At that time, 'Koku-uma Karubi Mac' and 'Wild Beef Burger Onion Ring & Cheese' were also being offered at the same time, and I ate those once each, so that's the number. If those weren't there, I would have eaten it six times. In any case, since I moved back to the countryside, my record for limited-time items was twice per season, but I set a new record with a double score. This is a great record that will never be broken for eternity, an untouchable record.

However, I can never meet this guy again. Yes, because there is no tomato. Now that it has been lost from McDonald's, even if you reconstruct the 'Kebab-style Chicken Burger' without it, only something similar but different will be born. Even if you increase the lettuce to fill the hole, only a strange thing with a bad balance will definitely be born. It is a product that should be called a 'fake Kebab-style Chicken Burger.' I'm being repetitive, but chili needs tomato. Without it, only a spineless thing will be born. A 'Kebab-style Chicken Burger' without tomato is just a fake that only fixes the surface, like 'building a Buddha but not putting in the soul.' Surely, even Okada-kun wouldn't approve of it without tomato.

It is a relatively well-known fact that Mr. Okada is a master of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. McDonald's often reprints old products, so a 'fake Kebab-style Chicken Burger' without tomato might be sold someday. And what if Mr. Okada is appointed to the commercial again? I can only feel that a tragedy will happen.

'Renewal' is a word often used when things are changed for the worse. Mr. Okada tilts his head when the moderator asks at the commercial press conference, 'Mr. Okada, how is the renewed 'Kebab-style Chicken Burger'?'

Realizing that it is a fake, and at the same time that his beloved 'Kebab-style' has been insulted, Mr. Okada is indignant, saying, 'This is not a 'Kebab-style Chicken Burger'!'

Mr. Okada, who decides on a joint technique for the moderator out of anger that still doesn't subside.

Mr. Okada, who tears apart and throws the people involved who come to stop it.

Such a gruesome incident that might remain in the history of Japanese entertainment might happen. However, even a non-violent person like me cannot stop it. Because I am also a person who loves 'Kebab-style.' As a comrade, I understand the sadness in his heart.

The sin of McDonald's, which relegated the supreme hamburger loved by this comrade Okada to an existence that will never see the light of day again, is heavy. It is a heavy crime.

5. I wanted to try tomato topping on a hamburger.

One more thing. I heard that 'if you top a normal hamburger with tomato, it becomes like a Mos Burger,' so I wanted to try it once, but I can't do it anymore. Oh, I should have done it when I could. I have unexpected regrets, so please make this a heavy crime too.

I have counted the five sins committed by McDonald's (a 66% increase from the initial count), but what do you think, management team? Weren't your legs hurting from sitting in seiza again this time? However, as I said last time, the pain in our hearts is not comparable to that. I would like you to reflect deeply.

I have written my 'cry of the soul' up to this point, but there may be business-like management people who don't care at all even if they hear it. Besides, in this day and age where customer harassment is seen as a problem, it is the correct response as a company to take a firm attitude toward complainers who say unreasonable things like me.
Alright, then, it's not the fable of the North Wind and the Sun, but if pushing doesn't work, try pulling. If the management team doesn't give in to long-term seiza, why don't I show my trump card?

I will dogeza.

I wasn't trained during my days as a corporate slave for nothing. Though I say it myself, my dogeza is more beautiful than anyone else's. The sequence of movements—placing both hands on the floor in front of me in a fluid motion and letting that momentum carry my forehead to the ground—can only be described as elegant. It is truly in the realm of art, the height of visual pleasure.
While performing such a sincere dogeza, I would like to make the following request.

I would be grateful if you could resume sales of my Roasted Soy Sauce-style Thick Bacon Tomato Beef burger.