I want to stop, but I can't — Yosuke Akimoto (pseudonym, 33-year-old male, frotteurism)

"I did it again..."
The moment Yosuke Akimoto got off the train on his way home from work, his feet stopped. His heart was pounding, and his palms were damp with sweat.
"I won't do it again," he had vowed so many times. Yet, before he knew it, he would repeat the same thing. "Why can't I stop..."

The beginning of high school

"Yosuke, let's go home together today."
He remembers the day a high school classmate said that to him. On a crowded bus, a school skirt accidentally brushed against his arm.
At that moment, it felt like lightning had struck deep inside his chest.
"I shouldn't," "But..."
Two voices clashed within his heart.

Eventually, he couldn't forget that sensation. While it was coupled with guilt, his heart felt a strange pleasure.

I want to stop, but I can't

Even after he started working, Yosuke continued to struggle while being swayed on the crowded train.
"I definitely won't do it today."
"No, just for a second..."

When he got married and his daughter was born, he swore to himself.
--I will never do it again. I'm a father now.

One evening, his wife, Ayaka, asked him.
"Hey, you haven't seemed like yourself lately, are you okay?"
"...Yeah, I'm just tired from work."
Yosuke laughed it off. There was no way he could tell her the truth.

The family happiness he had worked so hard to grasp. He didn't want to lose it. He understood that perfectly well in his head.

But he couldn't stop.

A crumbling daily life

One morning, he was finally approached by the police.
"Could you please accompany us to the station?"
His knees gave way, and his mind went blank.

In the interrogation room, Yosuke muttered with his head down.
"...Why can't I stop myself?"

Later, when Ayaka came to visit, she said with tears in her eyes.
"Why? Our life, our daughter... did you intend to ruin everything?"
Yosuke couldn't lift his head.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I really wanted to stop."

Dialogue with the doctor

After receiving a suspended sentence in court, Yosuke began attending a clinic.
Psychiatrist Dr. Sato spoke quietly.
"Yosuke, this is a sex addiction. It is frotteurism. It is difficult to stop through willpower alone."
"...Isn't it just that I have a weak will?"
"No. Your brain has learned a 'pleasure circuit.' Therefore, treatment and support are necessary."

After a moment of silence, Yosuke said, as if squeezing the words out.
"Can it be cured?"
"It is not easy. But you can change."

Meeting peers

He participated in a support group for those affected, as recommended by his doctor. He felt hesitant to go for the first time. It took courage.

However, his wife took him, and he managed to attend.

There, people who shared the same struggles had gathered.

One man said,
"I also thought, 'I'll never do it again.' But I repeated it. Once I understood it was an addiction, it finally made sense to me."

Another person said through tears,
"Thinking about the people who were victimized truly makes my heart ache. But if I stay like this, neither I nor anyone else will be saved."

Yosuke nodded deeply.
"...I wasn't the only one."

He felt a strange sense of relief. How many years had it been since he felt such peace of mind?

He felt like he could be here.

He wanted to hear and learn more about the experiences of people with the same problems as him. He felt that was necessary for recovery.

A fresh start with his wife

A few months later, Yosuke spoke honestly to Ayaka.
"I want to start over. I will continue treatment and keep attending the group. I will never give up."
After a long silence, Ayaka replied quietly.
"It's not easy to trust you. But if you are serious, I will watch over you for our daughter's sake."

At those words, tears welled up in Yosuke's eyes.

A small step

Yosuke is still fighting his impulses today.
"I'll stop for just today."
That accumulation has become his daily life.

Compulsive sexual urges do not disappear easily. He cannot stop.

But, if it's just for today, he can manage.

He has no choice but to keep going by repeating that.

To stop for just today, he has no choice but to listen to his peers. He has no choice but to listen to many stories of similar experiences. He must not forget his former self. He has no choice but to face his own problem.

Yosuke keeps the words of one of his peers engraved in his heart.
"You cannot change the past. But you can change the future."

Yosuke, too, is taking a small step today to change his own future.

※Thank you for reading. A like would be encouraging.