"A Hundred Arrows" | It must have been painful to take in so much

"Did I say something weird?"
"Did I make them feel uncomfortable?"
"I don't want to react, but..."

I am highly sensitive.
Both I and others acknowledge it.

Ever since I was a child, it has been painful.

Tears come out when I don't want to cry.
I get angry, even though I regret it later.
When I'm happy, I get too excited.

My emotions just leak out everywhere.

People around me have said,
"You think too much."
"Why don't you try not to think so much?"
Even so, I cannot stop the heart that feels.

Just as I cannot stop breathing.
The air.

The tone of voice.
Facial expressions.
A slight sense of discomfort.
Even without trying to probe, it all just comes in.

Sometimes, the vibe of an angry person flows into my heart on its own, making it feel heavy and dull.

At one point, I suddenly thought.
Inside my heart, there are a hundred arrows.

In my consciousness, most of them were
pointing inward.
Toward myself.

"Am I okay?"
"Am I being weird?"
"Am I being disliked?"

I feel like I was only focused on receiving things like that.
That is surely not a bad thing.
I think I grew up protecting myself in that way.

But, someone told me.

"Sensitivity isn't just about receiving, you know. You also have a strong power to give to those around you."
they said.

I was startled.

I had never thought of that before.

Somewhere along the line, I had thought,
that I could influence others,
"Oh, no, not me."

I had only been looking at the pain of being on the receiving end.

But perhaps the tense atmosphere and anxiety
were being transmitted to those around me without me knowing.

Indeed, I was receiving and then "leaking" it.
I have even been told I have "emotional incontinence."

Come to think of it,
that person who always brightens up the room,
is someone who understands the feelings turned inward,
the kind who stays by your side when you are feeling down.

Even people who scatter bad vibes outward,
might just be receiving too many messages and events
directed at them.

I have always thought that being highly sensitive was a weakness.

But, perhaps.
I was only concerned with the inward arrows, but
maybe I can point arrows outward as well.

Thinking about that made me feel a little excited.

In that way, the direction of the arrows began to change little by little.

90 arrows pointing inward, 10 pointing outward.
That became 80, 70...

As I quietly observed my heart, I noticed something.

"How is that person feeling right now?"
"I want to change the atmosphere of this place."
"What can I do to make things feel a bit more secure?"
I was originally capable of feeling things like that.

I just gave myself permission.
"It's okay to open your senses more to the outside world,"
I said.

When my consciousness turned toward the outward arrows, for some reason, the tension loosened.

Even though it was unconscious, it is painful to keep staring at one's own inner self all the time.

However, it doesn't mean I should point everything outward.
Time to look inward is also important.

Balance is what matters.
Just the right amount is just right.

But now,
the sensation of being able to spread my consciousness,
which was only turned inward, out into the world,
feels somehow comfortable.