15. Poor health is something inside me coming out, so I faced it

This is a story about how I, who had always been prone to poor health, started feeling better as I got older while I worked on decluttering my mind.

I wonder when I started being prone to poor health.

I started to clearly realize it after I became a working adult. I began to notice how easily I got fatigued. My immune system also weakened, and I started having problems here and there.
In my health checkups, nothing in particular ever showed up.

There were various symptoms.

I was frequently troubled by headaches, and after I turned 30, I often had dizzy spells that made me think I might have Meniere's disease. And, above all, I was constantly overwhelmed by fatigue.

For more than half a year before I was diagnosed with depression, even if I caught a cold, it would drag on for about a month, and sometimes I would develop a high fever during that time. Even when I went to see an internist and had tests done, there were no particular abnormalities, and I was just prescribed cold medicine.

After I started recuperating from depression, I was often struck by an inexplicable sense of fatigue and feeling unwell, which continued to plague me even after I finished my hospital visits.

In the meantime, I realized the benefits of being in poor health.

This is just my story, so please do not apply this to anyone else who is in poor health.

I feel relieved when I get sick—I realized this about myself.

Even though I think that being sick is painful and unpleasant, and I want to be able to move around energetically...!

After I had gotten quite a bit older, I admitted it.
The existence of a part of me that didn't want to try hard.
When I get sick, I don't have to try hard—it seems I had started to think that.

Assumptions are formed from past experiences.

My true feelings, which existed even before I became depressed, were,“I want to quit my job”. I kept those true feelings hidden and spent my days working busily.

If I didn't have enough time, I would cut back on sleep. (You shouldn't copy this.)
Even after my child was born, I thought I had to handle things just as I had before.

Eventually, I started waking up in the middle of the night even after going to sleep, and when I woke up, I would open my computer and work. Before long, I couldn't even get up when I woke up in the middle of the night, and even when I rested on my days off, I couldn't recover from the fatigue, and my health deteriorated.

When I was diagnosed with depression, I felt relieved. Because I could take time off from work.

I had misunderstood that pushing myself to the point of straining my mind and body, whether it was something I disliked or anything else, was 'trying hard' or 'fulfilling my responsibilities,' and a certain assumption formed in me.

Poor health = being able to avoid doing things I don't want to do
Trying hard = my mind and body becoming painful (to the level of illness)

As a result, trying hard had become a tremendous terror for me. However, the idea that I must try hard still remained.

With multiple habits of thought combined, my health frequently breaks down.

I have experienced depression, so I should have learned enough. That pushing myself too hard is bad. But since fear and anxiety were at my core, it was troublesome.

• I must not take it easy

• I must work hard

• I must not be disliked by others

• I want to be a good person

• I want to be thought of as capable

• I must not cut corners

• I must not rely on others

• I have no value if I do not meet people's expectations

• If I don't do things properly, I will be scolded (the little me inside my heart was terrified, thinking, 'I will be scolded by mother')

In addition to these preconceived notions I already held

• It is scary to be busy and work hard

• If I get sick, I don't have to work hard

These beliefs were added, and I also had these desires.

• I want to be useful to others

• I want to handle various things like everyone else

• I want to do something for my family (my husband and son) who support me

Then, once the switch was flipped when I was feeling well, I would choose to keep pushing myself without thinking about the consequences.

I would move without any awareness of my capacity or limits, and in the end, I would be unable to move for days due to a deterioration in my physical condition.

This is what happened when I gradually let go of my preconceived notions

What I learned from my mentor As I continued this, the power of the deeply rooted assumptions I held began to weaken significantly.

As a result, I became someone who could say what I wanted to say to some extent.

I don't endure things unnecessarily, and I don't push myself too hard.
If I feel like something is too much, I rely on others or decline.

I started giving myself permission to do these things, which seem so obvious, only after I got older.

My husband had been telling me this over and over again.
Let me know when you need something, I'll help you.
Don't try to carry everything on your own.
Don't push yourself.
You're trying too hard.
It's time to rest.

Even so, as you get older, it's easy for your body to have issues. After all, it's a body that I've forced to endure so much. It started to break down, and this year I experienced surgery.

But you know, after that, my body feels as light as if I had forgotten something.
I still get tired easily, but that eerie feeling of being unwell is gone.

There are times when I feel sluggish and lethargic, but I see that as a signal from me to myself to deal with things early.
Now, compared to before, I am much better at listening to the voice of my body.

The headaches that were painful every day when I was young have been gone for years. I don't have dizziness either. My weakened immune system has also recovered quite a bit.

In other words, the cause of the poor physical condition I had been carrying for decades was resolved by facing the various assumptions within myself and loosening their grip.
It can be said that my poor physical condition surfaced as symptoms in order to make me aware of what was inside me.

This is the kind of person Fu is ↓

★ Click here for my thoughts on my mother, which I reached by continuing what I learned from my mentor ↓

　★ Click here for the note map