14. Write your note as you are

In my previous article, I wrote that I was unsure about how to write on note.
Today, here is my answer to that.

The conclusion is

as you are—write just as you are.
Even if it digs into your ego, if you want to write it, you write it.
I thought that what matters is what state I am in while I am writing.

No matter how beautiful the words I use, if I am writing out of fear or anxiety, trying to avoid making a fool of myself, I thought that would actually be much more unpleasant for the reader.

You shouldn't underestimate your readers. That kind of thing comes across. No matter how much you want to convey something, it won't reach the heart of anyone who reads it.

It was a doubt that came from my own fear in the first place

In my previous article, I wrote about how readers might find it unpleasant, and so on. This, while it may look like I was being considerate of others' feelings, actually came from my own fear.

It is the kind of fear or anxiety about what I would do if no one read it, or what I would do if no one accepted it.

It is a very typical fear for me. After all, I spent decades living with the deep-seated belief that I must not be disliked by others.

Fears that have been nurtured over decades emerge like this in unexpected moments.

What do you do with that fear?

If you are truly afraid, you don't have to write. If you do that, what I was afraid of won't happen.
This is not necessarily wrong.

If the fear is too great, choosing to "run away" or "retreat" by expressing it in words is perfectly fine. There are times when that is the better thing to do.

However, in this case, I feel that if I retreat, I will regret it.

After all, I started note because I wanted to write. And I had things I wanted to write about.
Yet, I feel I have already experienced in various other situations what happens if I keep writing in a way that isn't my true intention because I am too caught up in and afraid of what others might think.
My heart gets covered in discomfort and confusion, and nothing is fun anymore.

So this time, I am choosing to dive into the fear.

My teacher didn't tell me to do this

I wasn't taught by my teacher to dig into my own ego. I think I learned that from someone else (laughs).

My teacher taught me that there is no need to delve deep into the thoughts or emotions that arise. There is no need to look for the cause. I have also been taught that there is absolutely no need to blame myself because of those thoughts or emotions.

Even so, by continuing to practice what I learned from my teacher, it has just become easier (perhaps only for me) to do that kind of work, and I ended up doing it smoothly.

Once I experienced diving into my own fear for something, although it was painful enough to make me think, "Oh boy," I felt relieved and at ease afterward.

Once you get a taste of something, you want to do it again, don't you?

It's not to blame or hurt others

I have a tendency to ultimately direct the vector of my consciousness inward in everything I do.

Therefore, I sometimes end up poking at my own sore spots quite thoroughly.

It seems I have a strong desire to continue convincing myself and truly internalizing the things I have learned about the heart from various people so far by comparing them with the movements of my own heart.

Perhaps this is because I have the 'Intellection' trait from StrengthsFinder in my top results.

So, while I would be happy if this serves as a reference for someone, even if it doesn't, I will continue to write it thinking of it as just one example of the kind of person that exists.

This is the kind of person Fu is ↓

★ Click here for my thoughts on my mother, which I arrived at by continuing to apply what I learned from my mentor ↓

　★ Click here for the note map