Setting Yourself Free

Relationships that you love but feel painful in,

Relationships where they are good people and you want to get along, but,
Relationships where you just can't help but feel that this part is wrong,

For so, so, so long,
If I just try harder,
If I just adapt,
If I just make the effort, it will surely work out,
It will somehow work out, I've been doing that for so long.

Because I love them, because it's fun, because I don't want to break the relationship,
Because they are kind, because they aren't a bad person, I told myself.

But I realized that I have been doing something terrible all this time,
like pushing the faint, fading voice deep in my heart that said, "I don't like this... stop it..."
down into the bottom of the abyss.

The voice that had been crying for help in a small whisper for so long,
I put a heavy lid on it and crushed it with thoughts like,
"They are kind,"
"If I break the relationship, I'll be seen as a terrible person,"
"I have to respect their feelings too,"
"It's selfish to put my own feelings first."

I did something very pitiful.

The reason I lost touch with my own true feelings is because,
I couldn't notice that faint, fading voice for so long,
or rather, I noticed it but pretended not to,
and I kept it tucked away where I couldn't see it, ignoring it and leaving it there.

My back feels incredibly tense, stiff, cold, and very sad.

It is precisely because I understand the other person's feelings that I have been pretending not to see my own true feelings all this time.

Looking at that is very painful, agonizing.

What I couldn't let go of for so long,
the painful relationship where I just endureseems to be it.

The courage to let go,
The courage to say no,
The courage to prioritize my own voice over the expectations of others,

Things I've wanted for so long,
Things I've wanted to do for so long,

Everything stopped working out,
I reached a dead end,
and the reason I couldn't move even though I wanted to,
was because I wanted you to notice this.

I'm sorry,
It's okay to lose everything now,
let's put my own feelings first.

Yes, just deciding is enough,
let's decide.

Let's hold hands with myself.
Let's connect my heart with the version of me that was crying for help with a small voice for so long.

I don't have to break anymore, I don't have to meet the feelings or expectations of others, and even if I lose a peaceful relationship with them,
it is okay to prioritize my own peace.