The Hidden Sign Behind the 'No' of the Terrible Twos—What Practicing from the Outside In Gave Me

The 'terrible twos' are exhausting every day, aren't they? I felt the same way. When my child was between 1 year and 11 months and 2 years old, I took a psychology-based course for parents. The trigger was a strong desire to 'not raise my child the way my parents raised me.' I had lived like a puppet, doing exactly what my parents told me. My relationships weren't going well, and I didn't want my child to walk the same path—that wish was my starting point.
As I continued to learn, I realized I had been 'living by blaming others,' and I began to feel that 'I am the one holding the rudder of my own life.' However, my proficiency was still low at the time, and I practiced while struggling.
In this article, I will look back at the records from that time and summarize what practicing from the outside in gave me.

Background of the Practice—Free Records and My Choices

The course had homework: 'Try these suggestions from the text for two months.' It would be great to write every day, but it wasn't mandatory; it was free. Since I was taking the course, I decided to record as much as I could every day.
The record wasn't for evaluation, but practice in writing down daily interactions just as they were. By leaving behind the words and actions of the day, there were things I could see later.

What 'No' Was Indicating

At the time, my child's favorite phrase was 'No' (chibau). I took it as a 'rejection.' But when I reread the records, in most cases, it meant this:

• 'Not now' (the timing is off)

• 'That's not what I want to talk about' (the subject is off)

Throwing a spoon, refusing a diaper change, hitting the dog, feeding watermelon to a character in a picture book—I only focused on those actions, but there might have been feelings like this behind them.
'I want to talk to Mom more'
'I want to play together'
'Look at me'
'I shared the watermelon with Melonpanna-chan too'
'Not a diaper, let's eat strawberries together now'

Open-Ended Questions and Agonizing Neglect

The course also suggested, 'Let's try using open-ended questions.' I would ask, 'What do you want to do?' But deep down, I was thinking this:
'How can I get you to stop?'
So, while waiting for an answer, I often left them alone with an agonizing feeling. I didn't have the composure to speak to them, and I couldn't notice my child's adorable intentions. My proficiency wasn't high enough to see that far yet.

What Practicing from the Outside In Gave Me

Still, it was better than doing nothing. Because if I had acted as I always did—
If they were feeding watermelon to a character in a picture book, I think I would have immediately gotten angry, saying, 'What are you doing? That's dirty.' As a result, the child might try to get the parent's attention by doing bad things, or they might lose the energy to rebel. Even if your heart isn't in it,
the child can feel that the parent is waiting for them. That leads to the power to act with intention. Therefore, even practicing from the outside in had meaning.

Hints from My Current Perspective

• 'No' is not a rejection, but a sign from a child who wants to open up a connection

• Open-ended questions only function when the purpose is also open

• Process over evaluation. Don't rush, keep it short, and wait.

• For dangerous things or things that bother others, the parent should take responsibility and stop them immediately. For everything else, set agreed-upon boundaries like 'three more times and we're done' or 'only in this room,' and leave the rest free.

Summary and Now

The 'No' of the terrible twos was a trigger to deepen parent-child communication. Even with practice from the outside in, if you have records, it turns into learning later. Even if your heart isn't in it, waiting becomes a strength for the child—that is the biggest realization I gained in those two months.
And now, my child has grown up completely. Even so, they still want to 'do something together.' On Tuesday nights at 10:00 PM, we watch 'Hanadai-san to Chidori-kun' together, which I invite them to do. Thinking that the 'waiting' practice from back then is connected to the 'enjoying' time of now—I feel that practicing from the outside in had meaning.

→ For details, go to 'Chibau Anecdotes'