♦︎❤︎2♠︎ Pretending to understand is not what is required

"Lately... I don't really understand my wife's mood.
It's not like she's angry or anything,
but there's some kind of distance."

"That... I've been thinking that too.
Since she got pregnant,
I feel like the atmosphere has changed."

The distance from my wife is invisible.
To that question,

Maybe it's just a lack of "confirming feelings" rather than "the content of the words."

"Dads think they have to solve everything, right?"

That's true.
When she consults me, I think I have to solve it.
That's what I end up thinking.

"But moms,
"want you to solve things too,"but
first of all,"they often want you to understand them.""

Therefore,
know the "reason" + "emotion"

What exactly is that?

For example,

• Putting the child to sleep ➕ "Are you tired?"

• They have a slight fever ➕ "Are you a bit worried?"

• You bathed both of them at the same time ➕ "That was tough today, wasn't it?"

"Of course, it's not just that, but
if you know the "emotion" + "reason",it changes from just saying
"You should do this"to
"action based on understanding.""

A method also used in childcare settings.

"Both children and adults
"feel relieved when their feelings are put into words.""

A true story.
A certain dad,
because his wife seemed to be in a bad mood for a long time,
said this one day.

"You're tired because the kids were noisy while we were eating out today, right?"
Then his wife said,
"I am a little tired."
So he made her coffee.

But that day,
the atmosphere changed completely.

However, only doubts remain about that flow.

“It’s not that it’s unresolved, but
I feel like I should tell them why the child was making a fuss.”

“Then that’s a matter of making them be quiet yourself.”

When someone guesses how you feel,
you feel like you’re being seen.

“It’s true that
I might only be saying things like ‘Are you okay?’ or ‘You should do this’.”

“I might be throwing words at them without really looking, even though I think I am.”

Moms want
‘realization’ rather than ‘answers’
if possible,
‘I want you to realize it and do it’
and if that’s not possible,
at least
‘ask me what I want you to do and then act’

“So it means don’t just offer solutions or advice and think you’ve done your part…”

They said at the end,

“Couples don’t drift apart because of differences in opinion.”
“Distance grows when you feel like you aren’t being understood.”

So first,
prioritize ‘feelings’ over solutions.

“Sometimes that alone can change the atmosphere of a conversation.”

What a dad needs to do
is nothing special.