Purple Eustoma

A considerable amount of time has passed since my grandmother passed away.

Although she was inherently a very kind person, she was lonely despite having a family.
I was young at the time and did not understand my grandmother's loneliness.
I only ever made selfish demands of her.

Today is the monthly memorial of my grandmother's passing.
It follows the monthly memorial of my grandfather, who was her husband.

Even though she had made my grandmother feel so lonely, my grandfather sought her out after she was gone.

My grandfather must have been lonely too.
Is it the nature of an old-fashioned man, or was he just putting on a brave face?

And my mother also tasted loneliness after my father departed.
She never spoke of it...
Was it my mother's pride?

I think about the loss of a spouse, one's other half.

I don't understand it.
But I feel I can understand the loss of a partner with whom one has lived while always facing the same direction in heart.

I find myself envying others, saying, "It's nice that everyone has a family."
Even though everyone should be carrying their own loneliness.
The darkness is deep.

My grandmother was very lonely.
My grandfather was a philanderer.
She didn't get along with the aunt and uncle she lived with.
Strangely, she never had to worry about money.
But her heart was always full of loneliness.
Moreover, my mother, her second daughter whom she relied on most, had married far away.
My kind mother was always talking to my grandmother on the phone.

Despite being kind parents, my aunt took her husband's side and was just wrapped around my uncle's finger.

I began to understand the general outline of things and came to hate my uncle.
My uncle was only proud and stayed with her just to get his hands on my aunt's assets.

He spent everything my grandparents left behind like water.

My father once calmly stated that since it was my grandmother who raised my aunt, the cause lay with my grandmother.
Is that karma?

Now, my aunt and her husband are gone too.
They ruined their business and are penniless.
My aunt cannot even be buried in the grave where my grandparents sleep.
My cousin, who is mentally ill, is holding my aunt's ashes.
Even though more than ten years have passed.

For some reason, it seems I resemble my aunt.
I became stubborn, not wanting to be like her, and said goodbye to my husband.

Come to think of it, when I started living with this person, I felt very lonely even though we were supposed to be together.
Our hearts were mismatched from the start.
We could not draw close to each other.
Did I realize that?

I can live without a husband.
Because I have my mother.
We learned the same path of the heart.
And walked it together.

My mother was also my grandmother's child.
My grandmother must have had kindness in her too.
She was a person with an inherently kind heart.

My mother departed.
And I taste loneliness.
Yes, just like my grandmother.

On the monthly memorial day, I place purple eustoma in front of the portraits of my grandmother and grandfather.
Purple is said to be a noble color.
It suits my grandmother well.

After my mother passed away,
my second son looked closely at the photos of my grandmother and my mother for the first time and said,

"Grandma looks just like her mother, doesn't she?"