Is 'It's Better Not to Compare' Correct? How to Deal with Comparisons with Peers and Social Media

"It's better not to compare yourself to others."

I'm sure you've heard that advice at least once.
A peer's promotion, the success of people your age on social media.
The idea is that if comparing makes you feel down, it's better not to look at all.

However, this is half right and half wrong.
Today, we will look at the reasons why from the perspective of psychological research.

Why 'Don't Compare' Is Inherently Impossible

According to the social comparison theory proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, humans have a fundamental desire to verify whether their opinions and abilities are correct.
And when there is no clear yardstick to measure them, people unconsciously try to measure themselves against others.
In other words, telling someone "don't compare" is an impossible piece of advice, akin to telling them to "stop being human."

The problem is not "whether to compare."
"How to compare"is.

The Cause of Feeling Down Is Not the Comparison Itself

A 1997 experiment by psychologists Lockwood and Kunda vividly illustrates this point.
They investigated how the presence of a "star" figure who is superior to oneself affects a person's self-evaluation.

As a result, even when looking at equally excellent stars, reactions were split in opposite directions.
Those who felt, "If I work hard from now on, I can still reach that level," saw their self-evaluation improve and their motivation increase.
On the other hand, those who felt, "I can no longer reach that level, I've missed my chance," saw their self-evaluation drop and felt discouraged.

In other words, what determines whether you feel down after comparing is not whether the other person is superior, but"whether you feel that the gap can still be bridged by your own efforts."

Comparisons on Social Media Depend on "What You Look At"

This structure also applies to comparisons on social media.
One of the representative papers in social media research shows that while using others' "abilities" (achievements, track records, status, etc.) as a basis for comparison tends to impair mental health, using others' "opinions" or "ways of thinking" as a basis for comparison is less likely to have such negative effects.

Furthermore, related research suggests that there are two types of the emotion of "envy" itself.
"Benign envy," which arises when you feel that the other person's success is due to legitimate effort and that you could also reach it, becomes a force that pushes you to improve yourself.
On the other hand, "malicious envy," which arises when you feel the other person's success is unreasonable or that you can no longer reach it, is considered more likely to lead to destructive emotions, such as wanting to drag the other person down.

In fact, in a survey of working adults, there is data showing that over 60% of social media users are aware of their social media addiction, and over 80% feel risks or stress from using social media.
It can be said that an environment where others' "achievements" are constantly flowing by has a structure that easily tilts comparisons in the direction of "malicious envy."

I Didn't Feel Down Because They Were 'Far Above the Clouds'

Personally, during my first to third years as a working professional, I was fortunate enough to work in an environment without peers or juniors.
Therefore, I was always at the "bottom" of the team, and the people I compared myself to were those far above the clouds who appeared in copywriter award races (TCC Newcomer Award, Sendenkaigi Award, OCC Award, etc.).

Normally, one might feel down comparing themselves to such people, but I didn't feel down at all.
Rather, I was able to maintain the feeling that "it is more correct to aim for it than to envy it," and if I happened to win a small award in such a venue, it became intense fuel for me.

Looking back now, this overlaps with Lockwood and Kunda's theory.
In my case, instead of having "peers in the same position" to compare with daily, the objects of comparison were always people who "I cannot reach yet, but can continue to challenge for many years to come."
Even if the gap was large, as long as there was time, I think it functioned as a "goal to aim for" rather than "malicious envy."

However, to be honest, this was largely due to being blessed with a good environment, and there isn't much I can directly advise from this experience to those who are feeling down from comparing themselves with peers or people close to them.
That is precisely why the research-based perspective I will introduce next might be useful.

Three Perspectives to Change Comparison from Malicious to Benign

Instead of stopping comparison itself, try changing the "parameters" of your comparison.

• Change the object of comparison……Instead of stars or influencers far away, make the comparison target a senior colleague close to you who is a little ahead, or "yourself from a year ago." Comparisons with time to spare are more likely to produce benign envy rather than malicious envy

• Change the axis of comparison……Instead of the other person's "achievements" (job title, annual income, number of followers), focus on the other person's "way of thinking" or "ingenuity." This is not a judgment of superiority or inferiority, but a reference point for learning

• Change the partner of comparison……Instead of others, compare with your past self. By changing the axis from horizontal comparison (others) to vertical comparison (past self), you can turn comparisons that make you feel down into comparisons where you can feel your growth

It is not about "not comparing," but "choosing how to compare."
I believe that is the way to live well with the inescapable human nature of comparison.