Presumed Guilty 2024/08/03

I posted this on my Instagram story too, but even though there are things I need to do, my brain just isn't working at all.

Until a moment ago, I thought this was just escapism (which is why I wrote that on my Instagram story), but as I started writing these words here, I realized it's just a phenomenon where my brain isn't working. I see, so that's why I unconsciously picked the phrase 'Presumed Guilty' from a manga to use as a title, let it sit for a while, kept reading the manga, posted to my story based on whatever was coming out from within, and then, feeling like it, started writing this note, and realized that thing: 'even though there are things I need to do, my brain just isn't working'.

When my brain isn't working. That's when I try to do something and my head feels all fuzzy and filled with smoke. There are various reasons why it doesn't work, but 'it doesn't work because I don't want to think' is impossible for me, so it seems this really means I can't do anything right now.

I wrote that 'it doesn't work because I don't want to think' is impossible because I have a strong tendency to think about the very things I don't want to think about, driving myself into a corner. Since this state matched the phrase 'Presumed Guilty,' it seems I became interested and used it as a title. And once I made it the title, I realized that I have a part of me that judges and blames myself for being in that state—the state of thinking about things I don't want to think about—and that I was able to separate myself from it. Then, I didn't have to blame myself anymore; in fact, a sense of calm visited my heart, thinking that the action I am choosing to take right here and now is actually perfect.

Hurry, hurry—I often rush myself. I rush even when I don't need to, and I corner myself. Even though I don't want to lose my composure and I don't want to panic, I often drive myself into that very state. Even though it's the last thing I want to do, there I am, choosing it first. This habit is hard to break. And it triggers exactly when I don't want it to. And I corner myself even more strongly when I don't have the mental space to notice it.

I see. My subconscious's first choice still tends to be (or rather, more than I imagined) 'to corner myself.' That's why I'm bad at relaxing or being kind to myself, and no matter what I'm doing, the contradictory thought of 'I'm a failure for doing this'—the 'cornering myself' thought—is always lurking right behind it.

Because, at any given time, I am always 'presumed guilty.' No, no, no, no, how many variations of guilt can I have? I want to retort to myself (and in fact, I am retorting in my heart). My words are messy too (bitter laugh).

Haaaaa.

But well, since I was able to realize the reality of myself while escaping from reality, I suppose that was fine. It seems that "taking shelter from the rain" is still continuing. While taking shelter from the rain, escaping reality, relying on someone, or reading manga, I feel like I am deepening the meaning of letting what happens now happen just as it is—in other words, 'not doing anything different'.

2024/08/03 (180/366)

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