The Meaning of Being Born: Life is Like a Cotton Seed

Prologue

When we are born, we are all the same infants. Meeting the people who became our parents is a miraculous encounter. I have nothing but gratitude for being able to rely on them for everything and take my first steps as a human being.

As time passes, in our respective environments, our appearances, ways of thinking, and habits have all been shaped—whether we like it or not—as individual human beings.

For parents, this may have been a task that felt like bearing a heavy responsibility, but I do not know what defines raising a child into a fine person.

First, we wish for their health, at least until they reach adulthood. We also wish for them to possess the strength to live in this world.

As they grow, some people struggle with themselves and come to resent their environment or their parents. Conversely, there are many young people who crawl out of such adversity and live more resiliently than their parents. One could say that the parents you encounter are a matter of destiny. However, someone once said that fate can be changed! When we were small, children living in wealth must have appeared to our classmates with eyes full of envy. Realizing that this is not everything can have a significant impact on one's later life. Whether you acquire the strong spirit to crawl out of adversity or become someone who only envies others depends to some extent on the way of life of your parents, who serve as your role models.

Where does that difference come from? It is safe to say that no one has smooth sailing their entire life. Everyone has their own history, and it is difficult to draw a line as to what constitutes an ordinary life, as there are many different ways to experience hardship.

It is said that trials are only given within the range that one can overcome. Hardly anyone thinks at the time that they are grateful for having been given a great hardship. It is only later that we look back and feel nostalgic because of those times.

The same applies to having complexes. Why am I not as blessed with looks as others? Why am I not properly evaluated by people? Why am I not popular?

At such times, can you think of this body itself as something borrowed to be born into this world? Perhaps you have been treating it carelessly without realizing that.

Until the time comes to return it, I want to have a feeling of cherishing the body that has been with me until now. Last year, I fractured my left wrist, and although it is completely back to normal now, I realized that I had not been very conscious of my limbs until then.
It was lent to me by heaven because this body is the best fit for me.

Thinking that way, I feel now, more than ever, that I should cherish my own body more.

When some part of your body starts to ache, before you resent it, realize that it has been with you for many years. You might think, 'Thank you for sticking with me for so long.'

Someone once said that when a door hinge breaks, they thank it by saying, 'You worked hard for me,' and the same applies to one's own body.

Perhaps it is sending you a signal by screaming once in a while, saying, 'Notice how you are overworking me!' It is not easy to remain calm in both mind and body, but I want to treat what I have borrowed with care until the very end.

Recently, my appearance and body have deteriorated significantly, and I remembered how a senior person was very worried about that when I was young. I vaguely wondered if I would also resist it like that, but now that I am actually at that age, I find myself standing in front of the mirror without worrying about it much. Reality is cruel, but somehow I am accepting it naturally. Every time I see my sagging face, I say to myself, 'Well, I am seventy years old.' I feel like I am gradually starting to look like my mother. I am grateful for that, too.

Life is fleeting and beautiful.

I read a heartwarming story for the first time in a while. 'The sound of the Gion Shoja bells echoes the impermanence of all things.' These are the opening words of The Tale of the Heike. To my shame, even when I was a high school student, I thought that because it had 'Gion' in the name, it must be about a temple in Kyoto. I learned that 'Gion Shoja' is the name of the temple where the wealthy Gikkodoku-choja made offerings during the time when the Buddha was alive. When the disciples in training felt death approaching, they would enter the Hall of Impermanence within the Gion Shoja and pray until their lives ended. It is said that bells were hung at the four corners of the eaves of that hall, and when a monk was about to end his life, they would ring them to guide him to the Pure Land. Surely, that tone was not so much lonely, sad, or painful, but rather a gentle sound for those sending them off. It also means that nothing is permanent. Human life also has its limits. I had thought it was teaching the fleeting nature of this world, but it is also said to be about knowing the importance of 'things as they are'.

I do not know if there is a past life or a future life, or if we simply return to the earth as part of nature, but if a person can find conviction and belief in it, perhaps that can be called faith.

The human body and mind are also among the impermanent things, but if we can realize that not just those, but the entire universe is impermanent, we understand that we live in a world made of nothingness.

In such a world, we have a habit of seeking eternity precisely because we know that all things in the universe vanish like dew and are born anew.

Human encounters—friends, children, spouses, parents—are fleeting existences that happen to cross paths and share a moment in time, which is exactly why I want to cherish each 'once-in-a-lifetime' meeting.

In the teachings of the Buddha, it is explained in various ways that this world is entirely impermanent. When a certain boy turned seven, his parents chose a bride for him and decided to hold a wedding ceremony. On the day of the wedding, the relatives dressed the boy in luxurious garments and, forming a procession, headed toward the girl's house.

The young and cute bride was also wrapped in glittering attire. An elder offered words of celebration: 'Bride! May you live long and be happy, remaining beautiful forever just like your great-grandmother. And may you be respected by the whole family just like your grandmother.' Hearing this, the boy was happy and went to look for that grandmother.

Then one of the relatives said, 'She is right in front of you! That person in the seat of honor, 120 years old, with white hair and a cane, is this child's great-grandmother.' The boy was shocked and said, 'What? That wrinkled, spotty, pickled-plum-like old lady?' Even though it was over 100 years in the future, the shock was so great that the boy ran away. He was only seven! I, too, used to think that old ladies were old from the start and children were always children.

Friends always use edited versions of their smartphone photos. They look ten years younger, but it is said that the gap with reality is shocking.
Everything in this world is fragile, and the beauty that exists now will eventually decay. It means that we cannot even maintain the lifespan of our parents or ourselves.

I have been thinking about this lately.
People have dreams and take on various challenges because they want to be happy.
Even if we vaguely sense that it is unlikely all of them will come true,
the stimulant that drives us forward is the strong will to become who we want to be.

A friend who said she was a bundle of material desires until her mid-50s told me that even if she felt happy the moment she got something, it didn't last, and that reality, too, would eventually lose its form. She said that maintaining a calm state of mind was fragile and easily broken by the slightest timing, and that she had spent more time in an unstable state of mind.

Just when she thought that making things her own was the ultimate search for happiness,
she was diagnosed with a serious illness. Looking out the hospital window at the calm, sparkling Seto Inland Sea and the low-lying blue mountain ranges, she felt anew how she had overlooked such a cleansing scene until now.

Ah, the gratitude for being healthy and the appreciation for knowing 'enough' were enough to make her chest ache.

When I met her after a long time, she had aged accordingly, but she had a kind of 'withered' quality in a good way, like oxidized silver, and a calmness that suggested she was living a fulfilling life every day. She said, 'Now, I enjoy the blueness of the sky I look up at during my daily walks, listening to the chirping of small birds, and stepping on fallen leaves to hear that rustling sound like a child...'

I remembered the saying that happiness is something you feel.
There is no doubt that it was me even when I was living by resisting various things, but as a small existence, I am also a part of nature. Perhaps by surrendering myself to that, both my body and mind can become softer.

Resisting is also the same path

I truly think about the term 'individual differences' when I reach this point.
A 55-year-old friend hates vegetables, loves alcohol, and has lived as she pleased, but recently she has taken up smoking. Various things showed up in her medical checkup. When she stands next to a 73-year-old friend with pure white hair, you can't tell who is older.

If you ask if that younger-looking friend is practicing moderation, that is not the case; she loves to eat! If you invite her, she almost always joins. She always seems happy, and she possesses a stable spirit that makes you think she will somehow overcome any trouble she faces.

There is another person in her 60s who is considerate of others and dotes on the juniors who admire her.
Recently, everyone has been drifting away. At first glance, she seems to be good at taking care of others, but sometimes she shows unexpected coldness or behavior that lacks even a shred of kindness. Does consideration also require stamina?

Since they are not family, she cannot take care of them completely, but the other party relies on her heavily and thinks of her like a mother. When they think it is natural and that they can ask for anything, they sometimes get a cold shoulder...

The person herself might be tired from being too considerate, and sometimes her true feelings show on her face. Is wanting to be liked by everyone still a 'maiden's heart'? It seems that being considerate also requires physical and mental strength. Anything in excess is forbidden; nothing lasts forever.
Is it that the difficulty of human relationships, which could be handled efficiently when young, becomes something the mind and body can no longer keep up with as one ages?

Jogging, running. Going to the gym to train the body. Some people find mountain climbing easy! While there are such people, others are hit with the reality of aging, saying they can't climb stairs, can't sit in a formal position, or that their lower back hurts... I wonder what makes such a difference among people of the same generation.

Legs and lower back will inevitably weaken, as will internal organs. I once heard someone say that even without living luxuriously, they are busier going to the hospital than playing due to maintenance and treatment.

That is not a sad or pathetic thing, but something I can say without resistance: I have finally entered that age group. It is strange how what you see changes as your physical and mental environment changes. Perhaps it means seeing the 'back side' of what was until now! It is interesting.

The small kindnesses I used to show to the elderly are things I now find incredibly heartwarming to receive myself, and I can honestly say, 'Thank you!' When I was young, I imagined that I would be stubborn and think, 'Don't treat me like an old person!' Happily, that is not the case, and this, too, is a new discovery.

I believe the time has come to face my own body and mind once again.

Being young is wonderful and lovely, but the aging of each person's body and heart differs depending on their environment.

If that is the case, rather than comparing myself to others, perhaps I should call it making peace with my inner self.

Perhaps the time has come to spend my days caring for and supporting the other 'me' inside. 'Only I can love myself...' That is a lyric I find quite profound.

The body and mind I have now are my true measure. Enjoying each day without pushing myself too hard! That seems to be what it all comes down to.

Even if the body declines, I want my heart to remain forever fresh.

Life Without a Correct Answer


How many people truly believe that if they do this, it will be okay, or that if they follow this path, they will be happy?

There are many 'how-to' books on how to succeed in work and relationships. Even with the overflow of information on social media, when I jump at a title that seems promising, I find myself turning it off halfway through more often than not.

My hip joint is currently in bad shape. About three years ago, I tried methods like 'it will heal if you just walk,' but it only got worse. I also used to go to a chiropractor for many years, but perhaps because my body has changed since I was young, the excellence of the treatment could no longer keep up with that decline, and I began to change my way of thinking.

One thing is to care for the body I have used for many years and accept it for what it is. That is how people grow older. Occasionally, I still look at various information to try to find some relief like I used to, but I cannot stop the great flow of time, let alone reverse it. I have started to find a good balance, accepting that a little patience is necessary, and finding ways to make my body last longer within those limits.

The dream of running like I used to or sprinting up stairs has almost disappeared, but I am grateful for the peace of mind that comes from knowing that the importance of each step will eventually lead me to my destination before I know it.

Among my acquaintances in their 50s, there are those who have many desires—wanting a smaller face, wanting to be thinner, wanting to buy lots of clothes—and for some, that is a source of vitality, while for others, it is a source of suffering.

There was an era when having many things around you was considered proof of happiness. There was a time when everyone was swept up in that.

That end brought a period where all of Japan fell into a discouraged economic society, but there are still people who have that giddy past self living within their own thoughts and cannot let go of their mass of material desires.

The idea that 'if you do this, it will work' is something that comes from that specific person, and it does not seem to apply to everyone.

What is wrong and what is right? A correct answer can also be an incorrect one, and it is easy to feel that even your own thoughts have been denied. But thinking that way is what traps you in a vortex of confusion. I want to be a person who can accept that even if others are different, that is also a valid way to be.

It is necessary to look at those around you, and perhaps there are times when it is okay to judge based on the number of people doing something.

When you run into various things, it might be a good opportunity to think about how meaningless it is to search for a single correct answer.

It seems that wearing clothes and accessories from one's mother's youth is in fashion.
They say the sound of the word 'retro' feels cuter than 'old-fashioned,' and if the person themselves can live comfortably, perhaps it is all correct.

Within a limited time


How we spend our time varies from person to person, but the river of life flowing through us, while appearing similar, is also different for each individual. It is surely a path given to oneself, and whether one resents it or enjoys it seems to be decided by that person alone.

If you want to make your surrounding environment comfortable, you must change yourself.
Recently, the balance between my physical strength and my feelings has been collapsing, and there are many times when I suddenly realize this.
Was I only resisting that because I had the energy of youth?

Now, I feel that by swallowing things and accepting them, I am organizing my own environment. It is not just about enduring; if my own axis is firm, there is nothing to fear!? Although I am still in training, I feel as though I have at least reached the level of understanding of a full-fledged adult.

It was a long time ago, but during a long journey, the stopovers were precious times when I could feel the atmosphere of countries I would never actually step foot in for a short while. There were people who said, 'I just want to get to my destination quickly!', but at the time, the fuel capacity of airplanes did not allow for such long flights. We had to stop over several times along the way.

I wouldn't go sightseeing in those lands, and if someone asked, 'How do you enjoy that?', I wouldn't have an answer, but those were places where the languages exchanged by the people passing through and even the scent of coffee in the cafes were different. Even the air seemed to wrap around the airport with a unique fragrance, sometimes humid and sometimes dry.

Airplanes I had never seen before were parked on the ramp... Those short adventures of a few hours were fun.

Some say that life is like a journey.
Although it looks like I am walking by my own will, it was never the future I envisioned in my childhood or youth.

There was a time when I thought my dreams had come true, but looking back now, it was only for a few years. Beyond that, a path I could never have imagined was waiting for me.

At such times, there were moments when I wanted to whisk myself away from daily life. It was not an escape, but a temporary visit to another world. By placing myself there, I could neutralize my feelings and think about giving it another try. Whether it was a meal, a trip, or going to an art museum, it was an escapist journey that my heart would quietly whisper about.
It was because of that that I was able to overcome things. I felt I could be satisfied with myself because I did that.

Now, I no longer have those moments where I want to run away, but if you ask me if this is what I wished for, it's a bit different... Just thinking about enjoying it...

Born on a blue star

I feel that even if you think things in this world are yours, there is not a single thing that is truly personal property. Even this life is something borrowed. I suppose we will continue on without solving the difficult question of 'What was I born for?', but I am grateful for what I have been given, and for now, I am traveling the world through images. It is a happy thing to be able to feel the wind of those places in such a mysterious way.

In this life, which is like a blink of an eye since being born on this planet, what I feel now is not strength, nor sadness, nor joy, but the existence of transience. I can see and feel this in plants and small animals as well.
I think it is not that it is lonely, nor is it pitiful, but that my heart is swayed by its brevity.

Eternity is not something that can be achieved even if you wish for it. We are the only ones who know that, and plants and flowers, which are thought to have no emotions, try to connect through their flowers and seeds. Even if they bloom in bright red and look proud, they know that time passes and they will decay, which is probably why they show their beautiful forms in the same place every year.

The same goes for animals. There has always been a dog by my side, and if anything, they were poker-faced Akita or Shiba dogs. From the owner's perspective, they had clear demands, exploded with joy, sulked, or hung their heads when scolded, and we understood each other without words.

But I always think. Even in the eyes of my beloved dog, who wags its tail slightly to express affection when I approach, I feel an indescribable poignancy. It might be that my own emotions are projected onto them, but I feel that the same eyes reside in the town cats and the Labrador living next door. Is it because they know that life itself is transient and accept it, that they have such eyes?

I know it is because we are the ones who know that there will be partings, but oh, it is so poignant.

It is up to you to untangle the knotted threads.

I can't forgive them for doing something so terrible to me! This happened many years ago. An acquaintance of mine still holds a grudge over being bullied at work. Another woman in her 40s was betrayed by a man and says she will never marry again! She seems determined to live the rest of her life alone. Everyone has had someone say something nasty to them, belittle them, or betray them, and such a list of sad words is truly painful.

Being unable to forgive is proof that you are still preoccupied with that person. Some people blame others for their own failures, but I don't think you can take a new step forward that way. If you are still in the same environment, anger might well up every time you see their face, but where is the solution to that?

There is no need to force yourself to suppress your feelings just to get along, but perhaps because everyone is kind, they try to reach out, only to end up in the same situation again.

Is it that they haven't learned well from their past experiences, or is it the beauty of a good heart that wants to fix things somehow...?

I have heard it said that this world is but a temporary form. We each have our own lives, having overcome many difficulties. Even though we know we cannot have the peace of mind of a saint, perhaps we are meant to live while struggling toward it.

I have a forgetful personality, but I prefer to keep human relationships light. Even without getting deeply involved, I think various experiences have become useful to my way of thinking now. I used to prefer shallow and wide, but now even that scope has disappeared, and I think I have narrowed my focus to enjoying my current environment.

If your relationship with someone isn't going well or makes you feel bad, I think it's fine to just leave that person and learn in a different place.

I have also come to understand that everything returns to oneself. Trying to calculate that in advance when dealing with people doesn't make for a comfortable situation for yourself. Some people complain that they are not appreciated even though they are so considerate and thoughtful of others, but perhaps their calculating behavior is being seen through.

The desire to be liked by everyone is impossible to begin with. Conversely, if you ask if I can love everyone, I certainly cannot...

There are people I have known for a long time even if we don't see eye to eye, and there are times when I want to get along with someone but the distance between us doesn't close... I suppose it means we live in a complex world.

If your feelings are flat, you learn to let things go even if you cannot forgive them. Since you are complicating things yourself because you have emotions, perhaps you could occasionally imitate a small animal in nature. It might be good to follow the example of how they play without a care in the world.

Everyone has their own attachments, things they cling to forever, and frustrations with realities that don't go their way. It seems everyone has one or two of these. It is easy to blame others when your feelings aren't met, but as you age, you realize that the various things that manifest are not something you can blame on others.

The turning point of 50

When a woman reaches her mid-50s, a crossroads awaits. There are those who choose the path of being obsessed with anti-aging without hesitation, still overflowing with the confidence that they want to stay young forever, that they look young on the outside unlike others, and that they are fine! On the other hand, there are those who think, 'I'm already 50! My body hurts in places, I don't recover quickly when I catch a cold, and I can't forgive that one thing someone said to me,' and declare a breakup, saying they are done being with them.

It is not a matter of which path is correct, but I think both are ways of thinking that will require ingenuity in the life ahead.

A woman's body and mind seem connected, yet they are disjointed, and there are parts that even she herself does not fully understand.

Even if you tell a man that he doesn't understand that, it is an impossible request. It is also a time when you are made to realize that you are a mysterious creature called a woman, which is both charming and troublesome.

If there is a way to be liberated from such entanglements... One is to accept them, and the other is to discard the familiar things that are easy to understand.

An acquaintance in her mid-50s spares no effort in trying to maintain her youth.
She recently started a diet method that was successful for her when she was younger, but it has made her feel unwell and her complexion is poor.

Even when friends ask her, 'Since your constitution has changed, isn't that method no longer right for you?', she refuses to listen.

The way she buys this and that in surprising amounts when she goes to the shopping mall seems to reflect her state of mind, and I even feel a sense of sadness.

In every conversation, she cannot let go of her affluent past or the flashy clothes from the bubble era, and now that they no longer fit, she occasionally shows them off to everyone in photos.

Even if that garners everyone's attention, a hollow few hours await her afterward. I hear her alcohol consumption has increased recently, and while she invites people to drinking parties, it doesn't seem like everyone is willing to go along with her that often.

She casually boasts about the partner she is currently seeing, but it is clear that the situation is not as satisfying as she would like others to envy.

Perhaps she cannot see where she is standing right now because she is looking entirely at the past.

In such a shaky mid-life, hope can also spring from where you direct your gaze.
I think that if you change your perspective a little, you might be able to see a new version of yourself; what do you think?

Worrying connects to the power to want to escape from your current situation.
But it is your own strength that breaks through and emerges from there.

There are many things that can only be seen and experienced at that age.
If you reach a level of detachment where you think, 'Am I a different person than I was back then?', the curiosity of your youth will show you a different landscape.

Regrets eventually become a page in your memories, and sometimes they give you a moment of peace.

A Forgiving Heart

Every day brings various things and no two days are the same, but whether those days become enjoyable or not seems to be decided by your own feelings and whether your heart is in order.

Taking what people say to heart, getting angry because you were hurt, or throwing that magma at others to get your own emotions back to a flat state by involving those around you,
creating a slightly unpleasant atmosphere is a common occurrence among women.

Even knowing that nothing can be solved in the end, you cannot convince yourself and want to end it by justifying your actions. If possible, you want an apology! It's like, 'Shall we call it a draw there?'

This is a huge digression, but it happened 30 years ago. One day, my father-in-law was in a taxi when it was hit by a car driven by a young man, and he was hospitalized due to the accident.

The police called our home in the morning and calmly told us, 'He was in a traffic accident and was taken by ambulance. The hospital is...' and all I could manage to ask was, 'Is his life in danger?'

Fortunately, his life was not in danger, but my father-in-law was already over 70, and he had to spend months in the hospital. I was left with nothing but emotions that were useless for recovery, even if I wanted to vent my anger.

Initially, harsh words uncharacteristic of my calm father-in-law were uttered, demanding appropriate punishment for the person who caused the accident. The man came accompanied by his mother, but only a time of silence flowed.

Having a strong body was the pride of my father-in-law, who was born in the Taisho era. I also remember being slightly moved by his depth of character when he told me that he had intentionally married my mother-in-law, who was physically frail, thinking that if he were strong, he could help her.

My husband continued to visit the hospital every day for about 30 minutes to talk with him before going to work.
He did this to take his father's mind off things and to help slow down his mental decline.

Then, my father-in-law reportedly said, 'At first, I only felt resentment, but now, when I think about the future of young people, I want them to live without forgetting this. I have caused trouble for others in the past, so perhaps this is my punishment.' I also remember the look on my husband's face as he spoke these words with deep feeling.

I was deeply moved by these words coming from a man who was the very picture of uprightness. It may be an exaggeration, but I felt then that I wanted to do as much as I could for my father-in-law from then on.

If your heart is in the right place, you can move in a positive direction no matter what happens. I felt that how one perceives facts depends entirely on oneself. After that, he got better day by day and lived a long, full life until just before he turned 90.
His way of life was truly like a reward from heaven.

Whenever my heart feels like it is becoming hardened, or when I try to justify myself, I remember those words of my father-in-law from that time.

Forgetting is Proof of Growth

It is the same with love; there are people you cannot forget even after you have broken up.
Even if you think you want to get back together, the other person's feelings have cooled, and spilled water cannot be gathered back into the tray. It simply means it was not meant to be, but the time it takes to sublimate that can be short or long depending on how ready that person is to let go.

If you choose a new path, you often find that you are glad you didn't endure the relationship back then. I hope to always be that way.
Unless you find happiness in being dominated by the other person and losing yourself, even if only a fragment of the emotion tastes like sweet honey...

Even if it is not about interpersonal relationships, the reason we cannot let go of various things might be because we cannot stop clinging to the memories behind them, or because we are using the things that remind us of fun times in the past to escape reality when our current situation is not going well. Be moderate in your lingering attachments.

Even if you dwell on the past and struggle there, it will not solve anything. There are not a few people who are afraid of changing their mindset.
Even if you stay in lukewarm water forever, eventually that water will cool down, and you will have to get out. Perhaps it is the season, but there are people who feel somewhat unsettled.

They say there are several causes and they cannot pinpoint which one it is, but as I listen, it seems to be because they feel they are being left behind, as things haven't been going as they expected lately or they have been touched on a sore spot.

Only you feel that way; others are almost completely indifferent.
Some might say that is the end of it, but you are the one who makes yourself feel better. It might be a dialogue with the self deep inside you that comforts or scolds you.

You cannot change the past. And I do not want to change it either.
The only things you can change in life are yourself and the future.

It is easy to criticize others, but it does not lead to solving problems.
There is nothing good about resenting the past; only feelings of regret remain.

Now is the Happiest Time

We have regular drinking parties, and one group has lively conversations about their hobbies.
In the other group, everyone starts off laughing and having a good drink, but a few dozen minutes after she makes her usual late arrival and joins the table for a toast, the woman in her late 40s starts in on her past stories and complaints about her current workplace, as she always does.

Kind people are good at nodding along to the same content every time or saying, 'I know, I know.' Two or three people stopped coming to those meetings.
They quit for the clear reason that the same content every time makes it a meeting for her sake, and it is not fun! So why should they split the bill for listening to such complaints?

The rest of us just think, 'Oh well,' and sometimes spend time feeling unsatisfied,
and I keep thinking it is about time for me to take my leave...

Her tales of past glory from when she was young, her frustration at not being recognized, and how she is not understood despite her hard work go on endlessly.
She pities herself and blames it all on her boss.

It is something that happens everywhere, and she is a person you find everywhere, but I am surprised that she has the spirit to endure such unhappy days.

If it were me, I would have given up on it long ago, wouldn't I?
When asked, 'Why don't you quit?', she says, 'I think about it many times! But you know,' but that is not an answer to the question.

Then, when an elderly gentleman asks, 'Is there no solution?', she says, 'It's different. Every single day, I am the only one being blamed.' Again, she is off track. Where did the answer go!

The only thing you can change is yourself. If you can do that, the future will open up for you.
I think that small shift in perspective can make a huge difference in how those around you react, too...

If asked, "Which era would you like to return to?" I would answer without a moment's hesitation, "Now is the best." That is because my heart does not ache. I think I have realized now that this is the most precious thing.

The Importance of Distance

They say that the more you know about each other's families, the closer you are, but my friends and I don't know much about that, nor are we interested. That said, we don't have serious conversations either; we just gather because it's comfortable to breathe the same air. Strangely, someone always sends an invitation just when I'm starting to think it's about time, and since I broke my bone, it's been half a year.

Whoever arrives first might be drinking beer or stuffing their face with a sandwich; we are all free to do as we please. There is a slight sense of guilt for not waiting, but no one minds.

There are only four of us, though. Our ages are all over the place. There are interesting differences in our ways of thinking, which are partly influenced by our respective generations.

The 40-year-old healthcare worker among us once lived through very difficult days, but that has settled down, and she says she goes to the newly opened aquarium on Sundays with her kindergarten and elementary school-aged children. Having felt the importance of family deep in her bones, and with a sense of crisis that she doesn't know what tomorrow will bring, she is trying to create as many happy memories as possible.

A woman in her late 30s is currently being harassed at her workplace, but if it were the her from a little while ago, she would have been so furious that smoke might have been coming out of her head; now, however, she is calm and detached.

A 60-year-old woman has been a history volunteer for 10 years. Her stories about castles and temples are fascinating, and I was so deeply impressed by Shoshazan Engyoji Temple in Himeji, which I visited after being influenced by her, that I sometimes get an irresistible urge to go there.

This time, it was yakitori. As expected, one person who arrived early was already drinking beer.
For the first time in a while, we talked about the 30-year-old woman who is troubled, or rather, seems unable to come to terms with things. That said, we didn't focus on her story, but rather on how we should act when someone makes us feel bad...

It turned into a discussion about whether to fight back, forgive, or ignore it.
Is it really possible for people with different ways of thinking to understand each other? Both sides probably believe they are right and have things they cannot yield on.

I have only gotten into arguments with people a handful of times in my life. If anything, I am the type to swallow my feelings. But rather than forgiving, I am the type to wait for the healing power of time.

Some rather violent opinions were voiced, saying that if we were younger, we might have taken revenge, but now we feel that such energy is a waste.

However, forgiveness is a form of tolerance. They say there is no value in soothing yourself or falling into self-loathing by thinking that you are not good enough just to achieve that.

When it comes to tolerance, I still need more practice, but a very insightful thought came up: "Wouldn't you feel more at ease if you just accepted it?" It's not about which is good or bad; that perspective might just be where each of us stands right now.

The last option, ignoring it, has a mean ring to it, but if you rephrase it, it might mean letting those actions or words simply slide off you. No matter how much someone tries to pick a fight, if you don't react, they will lose their motivation to continue.

In this world, there are more and more things that cannot be judged in black and white. The cause lies within each of us. Words spoken just to get by when they aren't your true feelings won't solve anything, but even if you are deeply hurt, you are the one who must comfort and heal yourself.
I want to become an adult who can see these things as seeds for growth for one another.

Limits are Just Walls

An acquaintance who draws a line for themselves saying, "I can't do this anymore!" has a limit line that is too high or too far away; they imagine things they couldn't do, dislike their current constraints, and to put it dramatically, they are in a state of giving up before they even begin. That line is not something visible, nor is it something presented by anyone else.
In the end, they are just drawing it themselves and narrowing their own world.

There is certainly a limit to material desire.
Even if you chase after it, it will never be caught forever, and it seems to carry people in the wrong direction, wanting more and more.
It usually ends in nothing but emptiness. Instead of such visible things, try challenging yourself with something new.

The first step toward that might be to face it frankly, saying, "Let's just try it!" or "Even if I fail, it won't bother anyone." I have challenged myself several times in fields that could be called completely different from my own.

It started from thoughts like, "This looks interesting!" or "Maybe even someone without skills like me can do it," and I have had experiences where I faced things that seemed quite reckless at first. In terms of achievement or mastery, they are all still far from complete, and I have ended far from perfection, but in hindsight, they have all been positive experiences.

There were challenges that make me break into a cold sweat when I think about them now, but the failures and gains from those times seem to have been absorbed into my own cells. Even if I only scratched the surface, knowing a little bit gives me the courage to start.

Three years ago, I bought a computer, despite my son asking, "At your age?" and I studied it every single day. When I didn't understand, I kept telling myself over and over, "Don't rush!"

Nowadays, if you search for something, it will kindly teach you.
I often feel that we live in a good era, and every day is filled with excitement.

Even with smartphones, young people say things like, 'Please send it via screenshot,' so easily, but I think, 'Wait, what is that shot?'
This is a daily occurrence. I look at various information and try many times, but it's quite difficult...

Even so, after about three days, I find myself using it without trouble, and I give a small cheer for being able to do even a simple thing!

I think it's fine to start with low goals.
Impatience is forbidden. Unless you are aiming for the top immediately, I think there are no limits to various things, don't you agree?

Wisdom is born from losing things

It became a conversation about 'What should I do if this disappears!'
Now that prices are rising, there are things I can't easily get my hands on,
there are things in short supply due to weather, and conversely, there is news that fish are in such a big catch that it makes fishermen cry.

Various things happen somewhere on this round Earth, and that is not someone else's problem; sooner or later, it will affect us closely.

Going around and around, the thing that would be a problem if it were gone is life itself! 'Just being alive is a big profit' seems to be a famous quote by Sanma-san, and I find myself impressed by it.

We are swayed by our surroundings, but I always think, compared to the era our ancestors lived in! We have too many things, yet we panic if one thing is missing.

Even mentally, most of us are influenced by our surroundings, worrying on our own or resenting others...

I have an acquaintance who laments that even when she goes shopping, she completely forgets whether she needs something or not, and her cart overflows with products, but she says she feels anxious and unsettled unless she is surrounded by things.

I am a beginner at living alone, but other people in my generation see a different view, saying they have gained freedom by having no things and no money! They say wisdom to devise various things was born. It has been a long time since the term 'danshari' (decluttering) became popular, and I am fully in that age group. Is it because I am at that age that I use acquiring things as a source of security? Or does it come from loneliness? Even if I ask her, as she is unconscious of it, she herself seems to understand it the least.

Deciding for yourself that 'it must be this way' or 'I must do this' can, in a sense, become a goal or a guide for life, but in this invisible chaos of today, it might be okay to correct your course to some extent and change your own brand according to the environment. Our ways of thinking and perceiving naturally change without us knowing it depending on the environment and age, but if you don't notice that, you will end up suffering yourself.

The same goes for ways of thinking; even if you think something is correct, it is often a bit off the mark from someone else's perspective. A little while ago, I felt the phrase 'my common sense is another person's lack of common sense,' and once I understood that, I felt relieved.

Everyone is right, but you can't say everyone is right. It's a bit contradictory, but it might mean that we are placing ourselves in such an ambiguous world. We learn various things from different people.

Some things make us feel comfortable, while others pierce our soft spots, but if you think that is also necessary for your own growth, the time you can spend calmly will increase. It may seem that having fewer painful things is happier, but I think knowing how to manage the ups and downs of your emotions yourself is important.

Coffee Break: Spring

The mountains are hazy with the pale pink of mountain cherry blossoms here and there. The peaks, which are not high, are gentle and form curves different from those of winter.

At the nearby river, people have been laying out sheets since early on to look up at the cherry blossoms.
Everyone seems as calm as if their hearts have been unraveled.

The mysterious power of flowers teaches us many things without saying a word, and makes us forget the desolation of everyday life.

As soon as the toddler was taken out of his stroller, he looked happy, chasing the petals that were being moved little by little by the wind as if they were beckoning him.

Even though they are all in full bloom, the way they blossom is slightly different.
Some flowers are shaped round like balls, some are lined up one or two together, and some are a mix of cherry-like swollen buds and flowers that are one-third open; each one is like a picture in itself.

The vague conviction that people have been admiring the cherry blossoms in this place at this time of year for decades will surely continue into the future.

As I was lost in such daydreams a little way off, the gentle sound of a ship's whistle from the distant spring sea reached me here as well.

In that moment, I pictured my grandfather holding my hand when I was young. I imagined us sitting on a bench, watching the scene without saying a word. Back then, there were times when a lonely child, having given up on finding their family, would stand there with a sad look in their eyes.

Whenever he found such a child, my grandfather would always speak to them, and before heading to the nearby police box, he would buy bread and juice for two—one for me and one for the child.

At first, I thought they were children of my grandfather's acquaintances, but after seeing it happen many times, even when I was told they had gotten separated from their mothers, I vaguely sensed that wasn't the case.

Watching families, young couples, and people walking their dogs, I remembered that such times existed, too.

It might be an exaggeration, but I thought, 'What a good era we live in now!'
The bittersweet feeling I felt, small as I was, was a different kind of post-war experience from that of the adults. I wonder what kind of lives those children of the same age are leading now? Perhaps they, too, have remembered those days while looking at cherry blossoms somewhere.

My fractured left wrist has also recovered enough that I can go about my daily life with almost no inconvenience.
Time resolves many things.

Nature also shows us various expressions depending on the season, enriching our hearts.

It was a time of solitary cherry blossom viewing where I truly felt how much I am helped by so many things.

For lunch, I went to a nearby udon noodle shop. The umami of their broth is top-notch.
I decided to stop by for the first time in a while and savor that flavor that soaks right into you.
There is still plenty of time until lunch.

Coffee Break: Summer


The suffocating scent of the garden. Daily watering is a promise I keep with my precious plants.
The water droplets that settle sparkle, and I can feel life overflowing in those flowers and leaves.

Summer was my favorite season when I was little! Before I knew it, it became a season I struggle with.
It is the same as the heat of my own energy; it has become a dazzling presence before I realized it.

I have many memories of when my children were small in the summer, and at the same time, I can hear their carefree laughter. Now, I hear the same cheers from my grandchildren.
Stepping slightly out of that frame, I, who am in a place where the light does not reach, am just a scene in life. I let my thoughts wander back to the days of my own childhood.

Back then, there weren't as many places to play as there are now, but that in itself was fun.
The circle of Bon dance, allowed only because it was summer and it had grown dark.
Fireworks that the whole family enjoyed together. The end of a sparkler, which resembles a tiny scream.
To a child's heart, that play also meant it was time for bed.
A large watermelon would float in the bathtub heated by firewood, and we would poke it repeatedly in the water. Even such trivial things were scenes that were fun.

Enjoying a forest bath on Mount Rokko and looking at the city of Kobe from the herb garden, I can see that this place, once called the 'million-dollar night view' in the distant past, has changed significantly due to the earthquake.

The mountain range across the sea draws a ridge line like a mirage with vague contours. Under a quiet blue sky, the long, narrow plain stretches out as if the fact that the town's appearance was completely changed is already a thing of the distant past.

Here, the mountains loom close, and below lies the sea stretching out endlessly. The hiking trail continues toward Nunobiki Falls, accompanied by the occasional dull sound of a ship's whistle. A few years ago, I would often encounter herds of wild boars, but the fact that I rarely see them now feels a bit underwhelming. The mountain breeze gently brushed against my cheeks.

Coffee Break: Autumn


Before I knew it, the mornings turned chilly—a breeze that signals winter is approaching.
The summer sun is so intense that one might wonder, 'Where is autumn?', but I feel as though summer had already long passed before I could even accept this season.

The cherry trees in the neighborhood park have also shed their leaves completely, while others still have deep green skirts adorned with leaves dyed in red; they are all so different.

That is much like me; it is a natural state where I no longer live a life of sharp contrasts, and I find myself feeling the seasons less and less clearly.

I believe that Japan, and surely the world, must be changing too.
It is not that I am intensely nostalgic for the past, nor is it a sentimental feeling of 'those were the days.' Instead, I have come to think that I am spending my time trying to find the joy of living in each day, regardless of the environment, and using the small things I feel as sustenance.

For young people who laugh out loud, cry deeply, or search for a place to suppress the magma in their hearts when they are angry and don't know where to vent it, this might seem like a withered and empty way of living, but I can say this now because of my age.

That is precisely what makes for a stress-free daily life. My mental tension remains at a steady, unwavering level.

I found a La France pear at the supermarket. I know that, if anything, Japanese pears are far more delicious, but for some reason, I like its misshapen, freckled surface.

Autumn is a season rich with chestnuts, sweet potatoes, and Pacific saury, but these days, ingredients are so abundant year-round that one hardly feels the changing of the seasons.

Yet, at this time of year, the pear appears quietly and disappears before you know it. It has no grand debut, and even when placed on the main stage of the sales floor, it seems somehow uncomfortable... It is the perfect fruit for the autumn I feel.

A cup of strong coffee while looking at the garden.
The olive tree has grown even taller.
Because I neglected the hydrangeas, their branches have spread out haphazardly, and finding the shrub next to them bearing red berries made me happy to see that the plants are adapting well to their current environment.

I imagined the mountain birds that occasionally visit pecking at them, and it became a moment of solitary enjoyment, hoping I might notice the rustling sound of the tree shaking when they take flight.

Coffee Break: Winter

As expected, there are no children in the park, and it is quiet.
That's right! Today is Christmas Eve. Everyone must be enjoying themselves inside their homes.

I don't see as many illuminations on garden hedges or large trees as I used to. It is only natural, as I hear electricity rates are rising.

Most of the fallen leaves have been blown away by the wind, or cleared away by neighbors who fill dustpans with them every day, making the gravel paths and asphalt feel wider.

I occasionally meet people, but for now, it is a walking path just for me and my dog. On the way home, it grows slightly dark, and the mountains wait for the veil of night to descend upon their ridges. The distant sea is the color of lead. The occasional ship's whistle, carried on the cold air, sounds lonely and pierces my heart as if it were ringing right nearby.

The crows must have already returned to their mountain roosts. It is quiet.
This year, in which so many things happened. But as every year, the end of the year seems to be quietly heading toward the New Year.

Surely the Sannomiya area in the city center must be bustling with people enjoying the year-end. From the top of the hill, I can see the usual lights of Sannomiya, but they seem brighter than usual to me.

Far across the sea, lights are concentrated in the mountains, sparkling and shining.

Although it was reality, it was as beautiful as a painting, and my dog and I were looking out toward the sea.
She looked up at me as if to say, 'Let's go home now!'
It is only natural that a dog would not have any sentimental thoughts or concerns about the end of last year or what is happening this year in their head! After all, they are living in the moment.

If they are hungry, they head home. If they smell something new, they want to know more and go toward it. That is all, yet their face is always smiling. What a simple way to live!

The trees in the park have shed all their leaves, but as if to send a message not to worry, they are sprouting small new buds. Telling us that spring will surely come.

Amidst the changing of the seasons

A day does not stay even if you wish it to, and it is something beyond one's own control. If that is the case, these days I find myself wanting to pay attention to the nature around me and live carefully while I am alive. I often feel that no two days are ever the same.

The seasons come around in the same way, but in spring, before the cherry blossoms begin to swell, all the plants and trees sprout, the air softens, and the birds nurture new life.

Depending on my feelings at the time each year, it can look fleeting or like a hopeful landscape to fully enjoy spring. The swallow chicks I was able to see again this year seemed to have left the nest yesterday, and the empty nest looked a little lonely.

Even when the heat of the asphalt is shimmering, the mountains are a different world. A walk while listening to the sound of cicadas. When it suddenly becomes quiet, a very cool breeze passes by.

In autumn, the mountains are dyed red in places, and the sound of the waterfall has a mysterious power to soothe people.

In winter, the cold wind known as the 'Rokko Oroshi' comes down from the mountains and mercilessly sweeps away the red-dyed leaves on the slopes, but they ride the mountain water flowing vigorously into the gutters on both sides of the road and slide toward the sea. It rarely snows anymore, but the mountain peaks occasionally wear a white hat.

Many people who live here know the weather for the day by looking at the state of the mountains.
As I gazed blankly at such a garden, various thoughts crossed my mind.

Just like the changing of the four seasons, the growth of children, thoughts of people I can no longer meet. Relationships with friends, the growth of my dog.
This is the same as the flow of nature; it does not change all at once, but I feel that it is gradually heading toward one place.

Born in Kobe, although I left for a while, perhaps it was a homing instinct, but I decided to make this place my final home. One of the things that makes my heart leap is meeting wonderful people; some encounters lead to the next person, and although it pretends to be a coincidence, it is perhaps the arrangement of heaven... that we were meant to meet.

Acquaintances around me suddenly realize their parents are aging and feel disappointed, saying, 'Finally, it's happening to my parents too!', or they brace themselves, knowing it is a path everyone must walk, but I recognize that the small lump of anxiety has grown a little larger.

I have somehow ended up on the side being worried about, unable to do things I could do until now. I thought I was a bit more together, but I am just my age after all. Having experienced caring for my parents, I thought that one day it would be my turn, but when various small things actually happen, my feelings as a child at that time are different.

Aging parents also have their own arguments, and even if they don't mean it that way, it all gets lumped together. If that piles up between us someday, it could become a serious problem. It might be the parents who are further ahead who need to be the ones to yield.

Growing older is about each person's way of living and lifestyle. It seems that understanding that is necessary. It is finally time to truly be independent. That changes greatly depending on whether you replace it with gaining freedom or feeling lonely.

As scenes of knowing change over and over again unfold, it is a series of meeting and then parting. That might mean being able to lead a rich life. Does the size of one's experience expand one's capacity?

Even if I have forgotten the things that influenced me, I think they are surely alive within me and making me who I am.

Encounters are with people who are necessary at that time, so I think that some will or wish attracts them. They might also be people or things necessary for growth.

The fact that there is nothing eternal in this world is the same for human relationships. Even for lovers, parents and children, or spouses, the time for parting will surely come.

Parting is painful, but it is the law of the universe, of all creation. That too might be necessary for growth. All that remains afterward is a feeling of gratitude.

If so, rather than dwelling on pain forever, I want to accept it and make myself into something greater. I want to know more, and I want to meet many more people. I hope to continue holding onto a heart that never tires of this, no matter how old I get.

Indeed, we may always be living within the seasons, cycling along with nature.

When we reach a time of maturity, those who feel loneliness intensely often tend to think that being with someone is the only way to have a fulfilling time, but perhaps we should realize that we are alone both when we are born and when we pass away.

Conforming to others may seem like having a cooperative spirit, but sometimes it is just prioritizing social conformity and running too far toward a 'desire for approval'.

If you truly wish to walk your own path and maintain your own core without being influenced by others, you become someone who can clearly state your own opinions! But that may mean losing something in exchange for gaining something else.

Happiness is different for everyone, but I think those who can live as they wish without worrying about what others think, and who can affirm themselves, are the ones who can be happy.

We all wish to be happy, but I think if that personal core is distorted, happiness seems to drift further and further away.

There is 'self,' and then there is 'the other.' I feel that this relationship works better, but what do you think?

I heard that loneliness increases the mortality rate by as much as 30 percent.
We don't even know what tomorrow will bring, let alone life an hour from now, or even a few minutes from now. Perhaps we become anxious and lonely because we think too much about the future.

Loneliness can be erased by how you hold your own feelings.
A desire to enjoy something no matter how old you are, a curiosity that makes you ask, 'What is this?'
And meeting people.

Age is just a number. Sometimes I realize how old I've become and get surprised, but usually, I'm interacting with people so much that I completely forget. That might be the best medicine.

We are born alone and return to the earth alone. Just knowing that makes a feeling of wanting to cherish the present well up. I suppose you could say that since we only have one life, it's a loss if we don't enjoy it!

The parent-child relationship never changes, no matter where or when, but the difference in temperature between a child's thoughts and a parent's thoughts can be, honestly... once the home is stable and the responsibilities of child-rearing and work increase.
I want to be a parent who can rejoice that they have successfully left the nest.

A lonely old person is not made in a day! Just looking at new things every day can brighten your mood.

If you can feel the seasons on your skin and simultaneously taste the joy of living, it seems you could call it a happy life.

Epilogue


No matter how busy you are, how many painful things keep happening, how you occasionally chuckle to yourself, and yet things don't go as expected...
Even if you lament, 'What kind of life is this for me!', that is just one scene in a long yet short life.

From the perspective of the universe, it might be nothing more than a blink.
As the remaining time gradually decreases, I think that when you look back, you will realize that none of it was really a big deal.

Others might lump you together and say, 'You look happy!' or console you by saying, 'You've had a hard time,' but it is impossible to measure how much genuine feeling is contained in those sentiments.

When people talk about their past, especially their peak moments, they tend to embellish a little, so you wonder, 'Was it really that much?' There is a surprise like when reading a novel, but at the same time, one allows for a little exaggeration.

The deep pain and hardship of the truth is a world known only to the person themselves; even if you talk to others about it, it doesn't necessarily bring salvation, and no matter how much you talk about your successes, people won't be as moved as you might think.

Even if I feel a sense of affinity for someone because of the integrity of their story glimpsed through their demeanor,
I do not apply it to myself, as I believe everyone is walking their own path called life.

Even if I get angry thinking it wasn't such a leisurely thing, from the heavens, it looks like a scene of people, no bigger than ants, trudging through a desert.

I fell from Niagara Falls! Even though I thought it was the end, while I was struggling desperately, I found myself looking up at the blue sky; rather than being full of ups and downs, it was like taking a slightly challenging walk while observing various landscapes.

Like a dream, walking along a row of cherry trees in spring, or looking up at the drizzling rainy season sky, before I knew it, it became the midsummer sky waking up to the sound of cicadas, and in the fading autumn sky, birds fly toward the north. It is a landscape I see every year, yet something is different.

Just as life is compared to the four seasons, we are kept alive within the great vessel of nature, walking aimlessly through that world. I find life truly enjoyable, taking on jobs I wonder if I really chose of my own volition, or being captivated by people I thought belonged to a different world.

In these days when there are fewer things to stir my heart, a pleasant breeze is blowing on my sleep-deprived body for the first time in a while.

The greatest mystery is myself. When I become interested in something, I get deeply immersed in it, and my personal boom continues for a while.

Even with novels, I want to know about the lives of other people who lived in the same era as the main character, and I feel as if I am sharing time with those who lived in that age simultaneously. It is very fascinating, and for a time, I become completely absorbed in reading.

Also, if it's a mystery novel, it starts with Agatha Christie, leads to Ellery Queen, continues to other authors, and until recently, I was reading works by Kanae Minato. It is just a random reading spree, simply because they are mystery novels.

However, even if I am so captivated and immersed, due to some trigger—just a tiny thing—that feeling suddenly cuts off.

There is a break for a while, and before I know it, another object of interest appears.

Even with music, for a time it was only classical, and before I knew it, I was listening to Yuming every day without getting tired of it. It's a bit different from listening to everything evenly; it seems to be because listening to it during that period lifts my spirits.

At such times, I feel like even my personality is somehow different. Even if I look like my usual self to others, there is another me. They say everyone has a hidden side...
It is not as black and white as to be defined by the expression 'front and back,' and of course, it is far from the ambiguity of saying a good person is actually...
It might be that several hard-to-grasp temperaments appear, retreat, and then...

It is not about other people, but on that day, at that time, my way of perceiving things changes.

For example, there is a methodical side and a sloppy side, and there are times when I act actively and other times when I do the opposite; I don't even know myself which one will come out at that moment.

They say you don't know yourself best, and I truly think that is the case.

In the end, there might not be a clear 'self' at all.
I suppose the 'search for self!?' is still continuing. I feel like it's a bit late for that, though...

It is a strange journey with myself, not knowing when my personality will be complete, but I will continue to enjoy and keep company with this other me.

FIN