I decided to do my best for my dream.

Hello.
I am a person who is doing my best while living with depression.😊

Thank you so much for all the warm words and likes on my post about my first day at my part-time job yesterday.🥰

I was feeling so down, to the point where I was in real pain and even questioning my own existence, so it was very encouraging. I realized once again that everyone here on note is so warm and that this is truly a wonderful place.
I am filled with gratitude.

I am writing this while my daily rhythm is completely off, having spent the night crying so much I don't even know when I fell asleep, and only just waking up a little while ago.
It's a bit long, but I would be happy if you could read it.

After spending the night facing my own body and mind, I realized many things and made a decision, so I am reporting it here.

First, about working.

I have determined that my current body and mind have not recovered enough to be able to work.
I have ups and downs even in my daily life, and there are many times when I feel unwell at night or in the morning, so I have reflected that trying to force myself to return to society was an act of not taking care of my own body and mind.

I am aware that I have caused a great deal of trouble for the shop that hired me as a part-time worker and for everyone who guided me yesterday.
I apologized to them properly a little while ago.
While it is very important to respect one's own desire to do one's best, I have realized that doing so in a half-hearted situation causes trouble for many people, and I am reflecting on this deeply.
To ensure this does not happen again, I intend to aim for a return to society only after consulting properly with those around me and my doctor, and receiving appropriate judgment, rather than relying solely on my own.

And now, about how I will live my life from here on.

Given that I have recovered to the point where it is difficult to choose to do nothing, I have decided to make efforts within the range of what I can do now for the things I want to do and for my future.

Until now, I was a person who could not spend money on myself. I earned as much money as I could every month, but I lived a life where I put most of it into savings.
This is because I was raised by my parents to believe that the more you save, the better, and that since you never know what will happen to you in the future, you need to save money so you can live on your own no matter what happens.
(I don't think everything I was taught was wrong, as there is the fact that I was able to live the same way as before even after I got depression, thanks to that.)

During the period when I had depression and lost my desire for material things and activities, I realized while looking at social media that there were many things I had actually been suppressing. While watching the many exciting posts, I learned that there were many things I actually wanted to try, longed for, and wanted.

That is why, from now on, I want to give myself the things I feel I want to do and the things I want to have.
Since I need money to make that happen, I will not give up on working, and I will continue to take on challenges within my capabilities, such as one-off part-time jobs.

And one more thing, I have made an important decision.
It is to make efforts within the range of what I can do now for my dream.

It is very embarrassing, but I would like to declare my dream here as a statement of my determination.

I will become a picture book author!!!

I have loved picture books since I was a child.
I love the world of illustrations that make my heart leap every time I open a page, and wonderful stories that warm my heart. And at some point, I began to think that I, too, would like to create such picture books and make everyone's hearts happy with my picture books.

However, I have never studied art. I have drawn pictures as I liked on my own, but there is much I do not know, such as what art is, or how pictures for picture books are drawn.

So, from now on, I am going to start studying specifically to become a picture book author.

I understand that it is a difficult path in an industry known for being a narrow gate.
Even so, as long as there is still something I can do, I wanted to try my best.
I was able to realize that there was an effort I wanted to make.

I still don't know how I will live from now on, or if I will be able to live.
I have decided to accept that this cannot be helped.
I learned that even if I am impatient about it, I will only end up spinning my wheels like I did this time and causing trouble for many people.

I intend to make the greatest effort I can right now.
Compared to others, I might be coddling myself.
I might be thought of as not making any effort at all.

Even so, I want to make an effort that makes me feel that it is enough for me to do my best in my own way.

Thank you for listening to such rambling talk for so long.

I will continue to do my best together with Utsu.

I'm a person who does their best together with Utsu.