Even When You're in Love, Don't Give Away the Lead Role in Your Life

Are you so preoccupied with the person you like that your own feelings and daily pace have become dependent on them?

Does a morning 'good morning' brighten your day, or does a single 'read' message without a reply make your spirits sink?

When you fall in love, everyone gets a little like that.

But you know what?

Just because you're in love doesn't mean you have to entrust your life to someone else.

For example, if you have a crush at work, you might feel happy just because their morning greeting was a little softer than usual.

Conversely, on a day when they seem somewhat distant, you might find yourself obsessing over whether you did something wrong.

If you open social media, you find yourself worrying about their posts and stories.

Who were they with?
What were they doing?

There are nights when your imagination runs wild like that, aren't there?

Unrequited love as an adult is fun, but painful.

You have work.
You have relationships.
You have the life you've built up until now.

That's why you can't just move forward on impulse like you did when you were young.

In your 40s or 50s,

'I never thought I'd feel this way at my age.'

It's not rare for people to encounter a love like that.

Because you've been hurt a lot and worked hard, you can't just take a step forward easily.

But on the other hand,

'I want to cherish this feeling.'

There are loves that make you feel that way.

So today, I'm going to talk about how to stay true to yourself while experiencing unrequited love.

Because being in love and losing yourself are two different things.

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Are you 'centered on the person you like'? Let's reclaim the lead role in your heart.

When you have a crush, you might find that without realizing it, the center of your life has become that person.

Your mood changes based on their mood.

You worry about their schedule.

You replay their words over and over.

For example, they seemed busy today and didn't talk to you.

Even though it's just that,

'Am I being avoided?'

you feel down.

Just because you couldn't sit next to them at a drinking party, you feel uneasy even after you get home.

Haven't you had experiences like that?

This is a state where you've handed over the steering wheel of your emotions to someone else.

Love is free.

It's free to fall in love.

But you don't need to give up the driver's seat of your own life.

I often think,

'Love is the color of life. But it's not life itself.'

Cherishing someone and putting yourself on the back burner are different things.

So, please ask yourself sometimes:

'What do I want to do today?'

'What do I want to enjoy?'

These are questions we tend to forget when we're in love, but they are actually very important.

【Practical Exercise】

・Looking back on today, how much time did you spend thinking about 'yourself' rather than 'the other person'?

・Tonight, let's do just one thing that you really want to do.

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It gets easier when you stop 'searching for the other person's feelings'

The most exhausting thing during unrequited love is searching for feelings that have no answer.

Their LINE reply is slow.

They were kind yesterday.

We make eye contact.

But they don't ask me out.

Are they interested?

Are they not?

Before you know it, a love conference starts in your head.
And that conference never seems to end.

That's because only the person themselves knows the answer.

You check your phone repeatedly just because there's no reply for half a day.

You feel down comparing their reactions on social media.

I think everyone has done that at least once.

But you know.

Things you can't understand even if you think about them are truly unknowable.

Someone once told me,

'It's like you're constantly worrying about rain that hasn't even fallen yet.'

When I heard those words, I strangely understood.

We tend to think that anxiety gets smaller the more we think about it, but in reality, it often gets bigger.

So,

Live your own time instead of searching for answers.

Your heart will be much lighter that way.

【Practical Exercise】

・Why not write down one anxiety that's been on your mind lately and separate what you 'know now' from what you are 'imagining'?

・Try to consciously reduce the number of times you check your phone for the next hour.

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Have 'likes' other than love

Unrequited love becomes painful when romance becomes your whole life.

The only thing you look forward to is getting a message from the person you like.

When you're in that state, your day feels empty just because you didn't get a message.

That's why it's important to have 'likes' other than love.

It could be cafe hopping.

It could be reading.

It could be movies, travel, or supporting your favorite idol.

Anything is fine.

Have something you can get absorbed in.

Then, surprisingly, you'll have space in your heart.

That's because your energy won't be concentrated solely on romance.

Love is a part of life.

It's not your whole life.

In fact, people who enjoy their own daily lives are able to be more natural in love.

I truly believe this.

【Practical Exercise】

・Write down three things other than romance that 'lift your mood when you do them'.

・Why not schedule one of those for this week?

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What I learned from heartbreak

I myself once had a crush on someone at work.

He was a younger man.

Just thinking that I could see him made my steps lighter on the way to work.

I'd be happy with a single morning greeting, and my day would be fun just by talking a little.

While I thought it was like being a middle or high schooler, having someone I liked gave my days a sense of purpose.

That's why I still don't think 'having a crush at work' is a bad thing in itself.

Because the feeling of liking someone can sometimes be a source of vitality for work.

However, just one thing.

Looking back now, I think I might have seen him too much as a 'romantic partner' rather than an 'idol to support'.

Of course, you can't stop the feeling of liking someone seriously.

I was serious too.

That's exactly why I was swayed by his words and attitudes, and I think I ended up entrusting the center of my heart to him without even realizing it.

I learned something after my heartbreak.

That in adult love, it's sometimes important to keep a little distance.

I 'like' him, but I won't make him the center of my life.

I'm 'happy if I can see him,' but I won't make that my entire happiness.

Enjoy his existence as if you were supporting an idol.

Having that kind of space might make it less painful for you and less likely to break the relationship with the other person.

This isn't the correct answer, but one answer I learned from heartbreak.

But if there is someone out there who is suffering because they like someone too much, I want you to relax your shoulders just a little.

Even when you're in love, you don't have to give away the lead role in your life.

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Let's increase the 'self I like' rather than the 'self that is loved'

During unrequited love,

How can I get them to like me?

How can I get them to notice me?

You end up thinking only about things like that.

Of course, that's natural.

Trying a little harder to dress up to see the person you like.

Doing your makeup carefully.

That's also a wonderful thing.

But it becomes painful when it's all 'for the other person'.

Because your confidence will also depend on the other person's reaction.

What's truly important is,

Being able to like yourself.

You worked hard at your job.

You continued your studies.

You cleaned your room.

You were kind to someone.

Such small accumulations become trust in yourself.

Your value isn't determined by being chosen by someone.

Whether you have someone you like or not, your value doesn't change.

I want you to remember that, especially with adult love.

In your 40s and 50s, there are more loves attracted to your way of life than your youth.

That's why being yourself is your greatest charm.

【Practical Exercise】

・Write down one thing, no matter how small, that you can praise yourself for today.

・What is an action that makes you think, 'I like myself when I'm doing this'?

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The goal of love isn't just 'dating'

When you have a crush,

If we don't date, it's a failure.

You might think that way.

But is that really true?

Because you liked someone, you learned about your own weaknesses.

Because you liked someone, you thought about wanting to become more wonderful.

Because you liked someone, you noticed other people's pain.

Even if the love doesn't bear fruit, that experience doesn't disappear.

It remains within you properly.

Even if that love doesn't come to fruition, it doesn't mean you yourself were rejected.

It might just be that the timing of meeting was a little different.

Or perhaps it wasn't to become a romantic relationship, but to receive some important learning through meeting that person.

When you can think that way, that experience becomes not just a heartbreak, but an event that enriches your life.

And that learning and experience will surely deepen your charm even further.

I think love is,

Not something whose value is determined only by the result.

What did you feel through that love?

How did you change?

There is important meaning there too.

And adult love has,

A charm that doesn't need to be rushed.

You don't have to rush for answers like when you were young.

Getting to know each other little by little, trusting each other little by little.

That kind of love is also wonderful.

'I want to cherish the time with this person.'

That feeling alone is valuable enough.

【Practical Exercise】

・What realizations or growth have you gained through this love?

・Let's list one thing you can be grateful for in the 'process' rather than the 'result'.

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Summary | You are the lead role in your life

When you have a crush, you inevitably end up looking only at the other person.

But please don't forget.

You are not a supporting role in someone else's life.

You are the lead role in your own life.

The time you spend thinking about the person you like is wonderful.

But the time you spend cherishing yourself is just as important.

If your current love is something that,

'I thought I wouldn't fall in love again'

If it came to you like that, please cherish that feeling.

You don't have to rush.

You don't have to force an answer.

You can just nurture that feeling while spending your days being yourself.

Try doing just one thing for yourself today.

Drink your favorite coffee.

Open the book you wanted to read.

Take a little walk.

Even small things like that are enough.

People who don't lose themselves even while in love are strong.

And that strength is surely within you as well.

【Practical Exercise】

・What is a small kindness you can do now for your tomorrow self?

・Try writing down just one word about how you feel now that you've finished reading this text.