The small back that kept looking back

"I can go to school by myself now, so I'll be fine."

My older child started saying things like that.

But I would just smile and reply,
"Mommy is still worried, though."

When they were in the first grade of elementary school,
I walked with them to school every morning.

Once they got a little more used to it, I walked until we could see the school.
When they got even more used to it, I walked until the halfway point between school and home.

Even so,
because there is a road with a lot of traffic,

I was worried, thinking, "What if they get into an accident?"

and I just couldn't find the courage
to let them go all the way from home to school by themselves.

My child would smile and say,
"I remember the way, so I'll be fine."

"I'm sure you know the way, but
there are a lot of cars, so I'm worried."

I have said that many times.

Every time I see news about children in traffic accidents,

even though I think, "Tomorrow I will let them go alone,"

I still couldn't bring myself to send them off.

It wasn't that I didn't believe
my child when they said, "I'm okay."

It was just that I couldn't help but think,
"What if something happens?"

Walking with them was for my child's sake,
but I think it was also because I wanted to feel at ease myself.

One morning before summer vacation in their second year.

My husband said to me,
"They're in second grade now, so they'll surely be fine on their own."

He said.

I decided that I shouldn't worry forever,
and that it was time to trust them and send them off.


So I decided,
"I'll see you off from the house today."

I told my child.




My child looked a little happy,
and started walking with their backpack on just like always.

I stood in front of the house and
watched until they were out of sight.

The child kept looking back,
and waved every time.

As I waved back,
I whispered 'take care' in my heart over and over.

They have grown taller lately.

When standing next to their younger sibling,
they have started to look like a reliable big brother.

'They've grown up.'

I find myself thinking that more often.

And yet,
the back I saw as I sent them off that morning
still looked like a small child.

A back walking step by step, doing its very best, carrying a school bag that strangely looked bigger than usual.

"I still want to protect you."

That is what I thought.

But at the same time,
"You can walk on your own now, can't you."

I thought that, too.

I was happy, and I was proud of how much you had grown,

and yet, for some reason, I felt a little lonely.

A child's growth may not just be about the increase in the "things they can do."

It is also about a parent gradually letting go,
and learning to trust them as they see them off.

I believe that, too,
is a time that arrives alongside a child's growth.

My child now heads to school on their own.

The time we spend waving in front of the house has grown shorter, but

every time I watch them walk away,

I feel a little proud,
and still a little lonely.

From here on out,
they will surely be able to do so many more things on their own.

Even so, no matter how many years pass,
what I will remember is

that day,
the small back that kept looking back to wave at me.

I don't think I will ever forget
the sight of them that morning.

#WhenIFeelMyChildGrowingUp