A frivolous, yet earnest reason for changing jobs: 'I want to wear the clothes I like'

It might be considered a frivolous reason.

Ten years ago, one of the big reasons I thought about changing jobs was, 'I want to wear the clothes I like.' Let's add 'I really want to dye my hair blonde' as a bonus, too.

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I like writing. I think that's because it's one of the few forms of expression where I can have a 'particular preference'.

I like wearing clothes. I like finding clothes that suit me. I think that, after all, is a way of living that I 'want to be particular about'.

I really have very few things I can call a preference. When asked 'A or B?', I mostly feel that either is fine, and if someone says, 'Actually, C is better,' I'll easily go along with it. I think to myself that it's a bit much, but even for things like travel destinations or tomorrow's lunch, not a single complaint ever sprouts up about what's decided. Sadly, I can't be particular.

Although I have little assertiveness, like a faceless person, I have a faint face when choosing clothes. Not A, but B. Definitely B. Believing in the unreliable thing that is my own sense, something like a preference shows its face. I am incredibly happy about that.

***

Having said that, the old me was probably quite unstylish.

When I was a high school student, there were several occasions where we would gather in our own clothes. For example, extracurricular classes or school events like the cultural festival. Days where I showed myself not in a uniform. Those were quite important events for me at the time.

'I really want to pair these yellow duffel coat with white boots'

For a special occasion I was pumped up for. The first pair of shoes I bought myself after saving up my meager pocket money were pure white lace-up boots. Imagining myself wearing them brilliantly in my head was so much fun. New clothes, a new me. The real me.

They were fresh when they took off the uniforms I was used to seeing. I think everyone was desperate to make themselves look the coolest and cutest. Some kids looked much more sophisticated than usual, or were bombarded with questions like, 'Where did you get those clothes?' That girl is lovely, that girl is not so great. Come to think of it, it was quite a severe world.

I participated in the duffel coat and white boots I had thought through. I was nervous and anxious, but also excited, and I was waiting forward to being told, 'You look lovely.' However, those words never came. The boys laughed and said, 'How uncool.' Being pointed at for my special self really hurt.

Even so, I loved clothes. Someday, I wanted to wear my own preferences like myself, just like those girls. Every time I encountered clothes that made my heart flutter, I repeated failures and discoveries, and little by little, I found clothes that suited me. I was happy to be told 'You look lovely,' and I grew to love clothes even more. When I became a university student and started a part-time job, my closet was overflowing with clothes I liked. Each and every one of them is a piece filled with my preferences.

***

Entering society, I would come to learn that wearing the clothes I like and living the way I like are actually high hurdles.

My previous job was in the public relations department of a manufacturer. There, I was required to wear what was my first 'office casual' in my life. The base was a suit, and it was fine to break it down to a good balance from there. So-called 'neat' and clean-looking clothing was considered the standard.

This didn't suit me at all. Neat blouses, frills, tight skirts, slacks. None of them suited me at all. Even the me in my imagination shrank and looked cramped.

Even when I went shopping, the clothes that made my heart flutter with 'This is it!' were all things I couldn't wear to work. Even if I bought them, I wondered if I would have a chance to wear them... No, no, more than that, the neat weekday clothes. Something that makes me look even slightly better. Days of continuing to buy clothes I didn't like at all, imagining not 'I want to wear this!' but 'If it's this, I can somehow manage...'

Before I knew it, my closet had been taken over by 'neat and tidy' clothes. The clothes I was supposed to love were huddled in the corner, looking out of place. Seeing that scene, I realized: this has become the way I live my life now. And I found that to be completely unbearable.

As I approached my late 30s, I considered changing jobs for a frivolous, yet earnest reason: 'I want to wear the clothes I like.' If I had stayed, I would likely have a good salary and a stable position at that company by now. I quit that workplace for the sake of my closet.

Nearly 10 years have passed since then. At my new workplace, I've gone from blonde hair to blue hair, and I wear the clothes I like and work the way I want every day. I said goodbye to the 'neat and tidy' items I had painstakingly collected back then. Now, my closet is overflowing with my own sense of self.

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What to do for work. How to work.

To me, that is synonymous with how to live and what kind of person I want to be. At that time, I chose to live with the irreplaceable 'convictions' I had worked so hard to cultivate.

What are convictions? They are completely different for everyone, and I feel they are like words we have rewritten over and over again to be who we are. When you work, there are many things you have to do and many things you have to endure. That is precisely why I want to protect at least the few 'words' I possess.

For me, that just happened to be 'wearing the clothes I like'.

It's just that simple.