Lion Mask's Christmas Carol #PulpAdventCalendar2022

What the hell is Christmas!! Just die!!!

“That’s why I don’t think that thing is fair. ‘The Gift of the Magi,’ was it? That story where they give each other presents they can’t use because they sold the things they needed for them, and it’s supposed to be heartwarming.”
　Suguru said this to the man in front of him while drinking beer at the restaurant in the Ikebukuro sauna facility, 'Karumaru.'
“I mean, the guy sold his precious pocket watch, but the girl just sold her hair. It grows back, doesn't it? Well, of course, I understand it was hard to keep beautiful blonde hair back in those days. But it’s still a part of her body. The cost is zero, right? So it’s weird that she acts like they’re on equal footing. And besides, a comb or hair ornament can still be used even if you have some hair left, but a chain for a watch is just a piece of metal string if you don't have the watch.”
“That’s enough, I get it, I get it already.”
　The man across from him also downed his beer and cut off Suguru’s words.
“What do you mean you get it?”
“The reason why you’re in a sauna alone on Christmas Eve.”
　The men sitting on both sides of him also nodded silently.
　They were the spirits of Christmas, and it is said they appear to those who are not enjoying Christmas. Suguru had started preaching to them at the entrance of his apartment, and he had forcibly brought them to the sauna, saying, “I’m going to miss the aufguss,” which led to the current situation.

“In other words, our role is to find grumpy men like you and turn them into model Christmas citizens.”
　The Spirit of Christmas Future is in the form of a young boy. He is pressing a chilled mug of Oropo against his face, which is flushed from the sauna heat.
“Things have been pretty strict lately. As the one in charge of the future, I’m starting to think it’s about time we just took it easy. You could be at church, or for some reason eating Kentucky Fried Chicken, or just grumbling in a sauna like you—it’s all fine.”
“No, it is not fine.”
　The Spirit of Christmas Past, looking displeased, set down his sake cup. He was in the form of an old man, so he blended in well with the sauna facility scenery.
“Christmas should be spent properly. One should spend it peacefully with family or a lover, and reflect on the year... well, this is also quite far from the original meaning, and I won't say anything about countries with different religions. Regardless, spending such a pointless Christmas like you do is out of the question.”
“It’s not like I’m doing this because I want to.”
　Suguru retorted immediately, but had no more words after that.
“Hmph, I wonder. To not have caught a single woman in this past year makes me doubt whether you’ve been trying seriously at all. Christmas is a time for checking your answers, you know!? Those who spent the year well have a good Christmas. Those who spent it badly have a bad Christmas. You are a failure.”
“Why you!”
　When Suguru instinctively tried to grab the spirit, another spirit stopped him.
“Now, now, there’s no need to fight in a sauna.”
　He was the Spirit of Christmas Present.
“Even now, you’re in a sauna, eating delicious food, and you’re reasonably happy, aren’t you? You don’t know how much that happiness differs from spending it with a lover or family.”
“Hmph, sophistry.”
　The Spirit of Christmas Past was still angry, but the Spirit of Christmas Present spoke with a smile.
“More importantly, let’s finish our work quickly and go back into the sauna once more. Into the Thunder Tornado cold bath.”
“...That’s true.”
“Agreed.”
　The three spirits turned back to Suguru.
“What do you mean, work?”
“A Christmas Carol. Are you not familiar with it?”
　The Spirit of Christmas Present kept his smile. He took out the ordering tablet terminal fixed to the table, tapped it lightly two or three times, and displayed something on the screen. It was clear that it was not the ordering screen for Oropo or ginger pork.
“What did you do?”
“From now on, we will show you the ‘Christmas Past,’ ‘Christmas Present,’ and ‘Christmas Future.’ Our job is to have you look at them and think about your own conduct and life.”
　Suguru felt like he had seen a plot like that in a Disney movie a long time ago.
“You probably have a lot to say, but this is our job, so just take a look for now.”

Christmas Past

“First, let me show you your Christmas Past.”
　The red-faced old man, the ‘Spirit of Christmas Past,’ tapped the tablet. What was projected was a scene of a young child receiving a Christmas present.
“Oh, that’s me.”
“Indeed. I told you at the beginning.”
　The young child was Suguru from over twenty years ago. Looking closely, the living room shown was a room in the apartment where Suguru lived before he entered elementary school.
“At this time, you were a child who enjoyed Christmas in an exemplary way. Presents, chicken, cake, family gatherings...”
　In fact, Suguru felt that he had innocently enjoyed Christmas until about that age. Sometimes he would find the presents hidden before the 24th, but he had mostly happy memories. Maybe he even had Christmas parties. He forgot how long he believed in Santa, though.
“But that’s about it, right?”
　Suguru said.
“After I started elementary school, the presents became book cards every time, and after middle school, you don’t really do things with your family... I mean, it’s just a chore, isn’t it, an adult’s Christmas?”
“What did you say!”
　The Spirit of Christmas Past turned his red face even redder.
“Well, when you’re a kid, you get presents, have Christmas parties, and there’s a sense of something special... but even when I had a girlfriend, it was just about picking out a decent present in advance, booking a Christmas dinner at a restaurant, eating it on the day, and then having sex. Isn’t it the same thing as a birthday, just with different packaging? The Christmas-limited characters in mobile games have more variety every year.”
“You bastard! That’s why you’re unpopular!”
“Now, now.”
　The Spirit of Christmas Present calmed down the enraged Spirit of Christmas Past.
“Actually, each individual and each family should have their own special way of spending Christmas. It’s as if the ‘special day’ has been incorporated into the daily economy in a broad sense...”
“That’s why I hate the Christmas in this country. Then you try to reform him!”
　Saying that, the Spirit of Christmas Past downed his mug and fell silent, looking sullen.

Christmas Present

“Having said that, though. My job is usually to show people, ‘The person you didn’t spend Christmas with is saying this right now,’ but you aren’t exactly turning down anyone’s invitations.”
“That’s right, I’m alone because no one invited me.”
“Your parents’ home... they are eating a normal meal. It’s a bit luxurious with wine your mother bought, though. In a sense, it might be the closest to a traditional Christmas. Your friends are... yeah.”
　Looking at the situation of two or three people on the tablet, the spirit made an indescribable face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Hmph, I suppose he didn’t have any friends either.”
“That’s rude, I do have friends (depending on the definition).”
　The tablet showed several acquaintances of Suguru, and each of them seemed to be spending Christmas in their own way.
“Well, it’s standard. People who are married are eating with their families, people who have lovers are on dates, and those who don’t are watching Christmas concerts or VTuber streams.”
　That makes sense, Suguru thought. He hadn’t even had a New Year’s party or a year-end party in a long time. Because it’s a special day, he rarely sits at a table with acquaintances he only knows out of obligation or vaguely.
“To put it meanly, no one is thinking of you on Christmas... but that might be unavoidable. Everyone is an adult, and that’s just how priorities in human relationships go. If you could have mixed in somewhere, that would have been fun in its own way, though.”
“That, well, yeah.”
　The Spirit of Christmas Present, remaining as cheerful as ever, told Suguru. His expression looked both positive and like a kind of resignation.
“If you have something that comes to mind, you should just do your best from next year, that’s all I have to say.”

Christmas Future

　The last one to pick up the tablet was the Spirit of Christmas Future, who was in the form of a young boy.
“Hmm, I wonder if it’s okay to say this.”
　The spirit said, looking at the tablet with a troubled expression.
“First of all, I think you have a vague idea about this, but if you stay like this, you will die alone. This is almost certain. So you should spend Christmas more happily with your family, lover, or friends.”
“Don’t say such a terrible thing so casually.”
“My job is to convey such a future and have you rethink how you spend your time now. But, you know. I don’t want to say this.”
　Although he looked like a boy, this spirit was the most hesitant and lethargic of the three.
“Even if you listen to what we say, I can’t say for sure that this future will definitely change. Even if you date someone or have children, something might happen and your future might be a lonely death, or it might be a future you can avoid just by contacting a friend you’ve become estranged from tomorrow. No one knows that probability. So, I can’t say that changing how you spend your time will solve it.”
　The Spirit of Christmas Past looked dissatisfied with his way of speaking, but it seemed to be the truth, given that he didn't interrupt.
“You’re irresponsible for someone who acts so high and mighty.”
“That’s how it is. Unlike the past and present, dealing with the future is troublesome in many ways. Especially for types like us who ‘make the future change by letting them know about the future.’”
　Indeed, if knowing the future changes the future, it might be something like a circular reference. He could have delved a little deeper, but since that didn’t seem to be the main point for the spirits, Suguru decided to stay silent.
“Well, that’s why, don’t blame us if it doesn’t get solved. I gave you the warning, after all.”

—

　Thus, the three spirits finished talking for a while. Suguru’s mug was empty, and some beer foam remained.
“So, our work is done. Do you have anything to say?”
“Hmm.”
　Suguru tilted his head. Certainly, when shown so much, he thought that maybe it wasn’t good to be grumbling, saying, “Christmas is just an event for children.” However, it wasn’t like he could change his personality or way of life so easily, and he didn’t know if it would be too late to change it now.

“Christmas Campaign!!!”

　Suddenly, Jingle Bells music rang out, and something started in a corner of the restaurant. Male and female staff dressed as Santa Claus came over with a large lottery box. The spirits also looked toward the sound along with Suguru.
“If you buy the Christmas special menu, a set of champagne and cake, you can draw a lottery once! The first prize is free usage fee + head spa and body scrub! We also have sauna hats and towels!”
　The spirits seemed to like Christmas-like events after all, and they were excited by the prizes lined up and the customers who were going to draw the lottery, feeling happy or sad.
“That’s quite luxurious.”
“It’s small, but the cake looks good, I’ve started to want to eat it too.”
“Hey, you go too! Why don’t you do something Christmas-y for once!”
　Suguru had come to the sauna to get away from Christmas-like things, but he was interested in the luxury of the prizes. However, seeing the price of the cake set, he frowned.
“That’s too expensive, I’ll probably lose anyway, so I don’t have to buy it...”
“What do you think? You might actually win, you know?”
　The Spirit of Christmas Present said without losing his smile.
“If you’ve listened to our story and thought about trying to change something, even a little... as a start, wouldn’t it be good to try doing something you don’t usually do?”
“That’s true. It’s a ‘special day’ that has become commercialized and routine, as you say... but it can be an excuse for a little foolish spending.”
“Life might change from things like that, unexpectedly.”
　Suguru thought for a moment, and,
“...Well, that’s true.”
　He went to draw the lottery on a whim. He thought, just a little, that if something happened because of that, maybe something could be saved.

　The result was four drink tickets for the 3rd prize. All four he bought were mediocre, and Suguru gave a bitter smile. When he returned to his seat with four cakes and champagne, the spirits were gone, and a clerk was collecting the empty mugs.

“...What am I supposed to do with this?”

　Come to think of it, those strange spirits might have been a dream Suguru had while under the influence of the sauna heat and alcohol. He thought for a moment that if he were to have hallucinations, he would have preferred a cute girl, but since a Christmas where you get preached to by a hallucination of a cute girl would be the worst, maybe an old man, a young man, and a child were fine.
　There was nothing to be done about this year. Next year, he would try a little harder and change something. Suguru thought so, and stuffed four cakes into his mouth at once. They tasted mediocre, but they weren’t bad at all.

　After that, in the sauna room.
“Is it okay to do a loyly?”
“No, you just did it a while ago, didn’t you!”
“Eh, but there are so many people and it’s gotten lukewarm.”
“Shut up... just be quiet and get in.”
　The spirits were in the sauna as usual, but that is another story.

The End