Inarticulate Love

This is a work I wrote for the HEAR Scenario Department, which I belong to.
Once a month, we decide on a theme and write stories for each other.
This is a story that can be used freely for readings and voice dramas.
If you use it for streaming or similar purposes, please follow the terms at the end of the text.
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※This work is fiction.


"If you can wish for the other person's happiness instead of just thinking about your own convenience, then it'll be fine."
That's what you said, right?

I was worried.

I had been invited out by a woman I met and became friends with online,
and I carelessly told you about it, asking if it would be okay to meet her.

"Hey... I'm a person from the internet too, and we've never met each other either!"

But we aren't in a romantic relationship.

"Well, that's true, but... I mean, wouldn't it be fine? I think it's dangerous for a woman to meet up offline, but you're a guy."

Like a honey trap.

"Huh? How do you even know such an old term! You should just keep the relationship to having tea at a coffee shop and see how it goes!"

Or being asked to act as a middleman for suspicious goods.

"You're overthinking it! If she wanted to lure a guy like that, she wouldn't have a weird hobby like abandoned ruins; she'd fake a more girly, feminine character. Besides, the photos and designs made by scammers are much more polished. The photos she posts on social media, sorry to say, aren't sophisticated."

Do you have to go that far?

"Look, I'm telling you, it's fine.
It's not like you'll easily find another person of the opposite sex who shares such an unusual hobby as exploring ruins and gets along with you so well.
Even if you don't intend to take it that far,

why not just keep a comfortable distance and hang out in real life?
In this day and age, it's not like you'll just stumble upon someone, right?
Besides, beyond the internet, and not just for business,
do you even realize how precious it is to find someone who will spend their time with you?"

I know, but...

"Is it that? The trauma issues with your family that you told me about?"

Yeah. I don't want to end up like my father.

"You're overthinking it.
Wait until you're actually in a deep, private relationship before you start worrying about that kind of thing.

If you only ever think about what might happen in the future, you'll never be able to do anything!"

That's not something to joke about.

"It's true, the violence he inflicted on his family on a daily basis is no joke.
But you and your father are different people!"

No, I have a cruel side that I don't show others, and I feel this dependent urge inside me to be hopelessly clingy toward people.

"Everyone has things they can't help that they keep hidden.
This might be meddlesome, but I don't want you to have any regrets.
Life is short, and you never know what might happen.
Things might not work out, and you both might end up hurt.
But when things start moving forward, you have to take that step.
There's a chance it won't work out, but there's also a chance you'll be happy!
If she's a decent woman, making her wait will do more harm than good!"

That's what you said to me.

How did we first meet, anyway?
Was it through a shared love of reading, or movies... I've forgotten.
But you were the first person I'd ever met who I could talk to honestly and feel at ease with.

My parents had destroyed my heart to the point where I didn't even know my own feelings,
and yet, here I was, living a life of mimicry,
even going so far as to ask you for relationship advice.

I thought you were an amazing person.

It was the first time we watched the same movie over the internet,
laughing and crying together, wasn't it?
You were the one who invited me to do that, too.

But right after I asked for that relationship advice, you suddenly disappeared from the internet.

Your social media stopped updating, and

even when I sent messages, I got no response.
I had a bad feeling about it, and then I heard from your family.

You were someone who had undergone a heart transplant,
with a five-year survival rate of only a few percent, weren't you?

I had no idea, and I never noticed.

Well, your voice was high and a little raspy,
and you coughed sometimes, so I thought you might just be physically frail.

But your tone was so boisterously energetic that I was completely fooled.

They said that while you were in bed, you talked about me all the time.
That you were definitely in love with me.
That's what your mother told me.

And that you were gay.

I couldn't even imagine it.
I didn't get that feeling from you at all.

If you can wish for the other person's happiness instead of just your own convenience, then it'll be alright.

I want to return those exact words to you, word for word.

The reason I hesitated to close the distance between her and me,
was because I was raised by toxic parents,
and of course,
I didn't have the confidence to love another human being properly without becoming dependent.
That was certainly part of it.

But your existence was also a factor.

I was also very concerned about your existence.

I never told you, but I'm bisexual.

My feelings for you and her
had me so torn that I felt like I was being ripped apart.

That's why... I couldn't move things forward with her.

I couldn't say that much...

I looked up and gazed at his gravestone.

In front of his grave, I cried out loud.

It might be meddlesome, but I don't want you to have any regrets.
Life is short, and you never know what might happen.
It might not work out, and you might both end up hurting.
Just take that step.
There's a chance it won't work out, but
there's also a chance you'll be happy, right!

I'm returning those words to you, too.

My great-grandfather had an experience like that.

My great-grandfather was in a sanatorium with tuberculosis.
My great-grandmother was working as a nurse.
My great-grandfather was a straightforward person, so he said,
'Please marry me.'

Even though he was told he wouldn't live very long,
what on earth was he thinking?

When I heard that story, I thought,
didn't he think about being a 'nuisance' or a 'burden' to the person he loved?

My great-grandmother,
being quite an eccentric person herself,
said, 'Okay.'

And so, I answered right away and we got married.

And then, you know what?

Funny enough, my great-grandfather, even though the doctor said he wouldn't live long, kept getting better and better, and lived until he was 60.
You too.
If you had just told me.

It might have ended miserably, but,
if you had just taken that step, maybe something would have changed, right?

Not even giving me a choice is unfair.

You were probably overthinking things, like how you'd be a burden because you were sick, right?

Why didn't you tell me?

If you don't tell me, I can't even get started.

After I stopped crying, I opened the app on my smartphone to send an answer to the girl I had kept waiting.
I opened the app on my smartphone to send an answer to the girl I had kept waiting.

"Hello... um... there's something I want to tell you..."

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