I am a middle-school graduate and a full-time housewife. How I, who was afraid of even a 10-minute car ride, learned to forgive myself little by little

Introduction

I currently live as a full-time housewife after marrying my husband. From an objective perspective, it might look like I am just being spoiled. However, before reaching this point, I had a long battle with interpersonal anxiety, a complex about my educational background, and my own body.

Today, I would like to talk about why I failed at "working outside" and chose my current way of life. Please let me share the story behind that.

This article was created with the auxiliary use of generative AI during the production process.
The content has been fully checked and edited by me (Chii.),
and I have published it reflecting my own real experiences and thoughts.

My student days when a "mask" was my armor

Originally, I didn't have a frequent need to use the restroom. I started feeling something was wrong when I was in junior high school. Bullying from elementary school continued, and I was also a target of bullying in junior high school, where I was surrounded by almost the same people.

That was the trigger that made me unable to take off my mask. This was long before the COVID era. I was so afraid of being called "ugly" that I couldn't live without a mask. I even went to high school wearing a mask from the very beginning.

During lunch breaks, I would just lift my mask slightly to drink something in secret. I couldn't eat what we made in cooking class, and I even wore my mask during long-distance running in gym class. Fortunately, the new people I met in high school didn't bring it up. I still think, "They were kind people."

However, when I advanced to the second year, I ended up in the same class as a bully from my junior high days. They showed off my old photo album to everyone, and I could hear them whispering and laughing while looking at me... I still cannot forget the despair I felt then, thinking, "Is that hell going to start all over again?"

The battle with the fear of "having no escape"

My heart was so exhausted that I took a leave of absence from high school. During that time, I experienced part-time work and decided that I would "live by working," so I chose to drop out and started working in places like factories.

A casual conversation with a part-timer I met there changed my life. "It would be terrible if you couldn't go to the bathroom during an earthquake, wouldn't it?"

That remark pierced my sensitive heart deeply. The anxiety of "What if I can't go to the bathroom now?" started to manifest directly as an urge to urinate or abdominal pain.

At the interview for my next job, I desperately tried to explain. "When I get nervous, I get the urge to go to the bathroom, and I go more often than others, but is that okay? Are you really sure it's okay?" I checked many times, and the staff member told me, "It's fine."

Even after I actually started working, the staff member always looked out for me, saying, "It's okay to go to the bathroom," and "Are you feeling okay?" However, there was a temperature difference between them and the part-timers on the floor. To me, who went to the bathroom about once every 40 minutes to an hour, they said heartless words like, "Why do you go so often?" The more they said it, the more conscious I became, and the more I needed to go. While I was saved by the kindness of the staff, my body screamed in places where I couldn't get understanding from the people on the floor.

Even so, I had a perfect place where I belonged. It was a workplace with a breezy atmosphere where the superiors and everyone around me would laugh and say, "Go to the bathroom as much as you want!!" They trusted me and left things to me, even saying, "As long as you finish your own work quickly, you can sleep as much as you want after that! (Of course, I didn't actually sleep, haha)."

The work itself suited me, and being able to finish tasks faster than others led to a sense of "security." Here, I didn't feel unnecessary anxiety and was able to work in my own way for a long time.

Meeting my husband and the "success experiences" that began to accumulate

A few years later, I met my current husband. At that time, even riding in an acquaintance's car for 10 minutes was my limit. The inside of a car, where there was no escape, was a place of terror for me.

But after I started spending time with my husband, changes began to happen little by little. I became able to travel for long periods, and I was able to calmly handle things like renovation meetings and conversations with insurance agents.

The biggest boost to my confidence was the FP (Financial Planner) exam. By explaining my situation in advance and receiving the accommodation of a seat near the restroom, I was able to finish the exam without having to leave my seat even once.

“If I am in an environment where I am understood, I will be okay.” That conviction set me free little by little.

Conclusion: What I can do now

Now that my workplace is further away, I am protecting my home as a full-time housewife. There are still times when I blame myself, wondering if I am just being lazy.

But because of my past experiences, I know the value of the “life I have now” better than anyone else.

What I can do, even though it is difficult for me to earn money outside the home, is to manage the money my husband works so hard to earn without wasting a single yen, ensuring that my family can live with peace of mind.

From now on, I hope to share my own unique “defensive household budget techniques” as well.