Beyond the 'Read' Receipt: The Night I Couldn't Sleep Because No Reply Came

Introduction: To me, the 'read' receipt was a 'rejection notice'

Ping.

The two small characters for 'read' appearing on my smartphone screen.
To my past self, it felt like a 'rejection notice' unilaterally thrust upon me.

A message I gathered the courage to send on a dating app.
I know they read it. But there is no reply.

One hour, two hours, half a day...
As time passed, my heart was painted over with pitch-black anxiety.

'Did I write something weird?'
'Did they think I was creepy?'
'It's over.'

The cycle of the urge to throw my phone away and the act of repeatedly checking the 'read' status on the screen.
In the end, no reply ever came, and I would quietly uninstall the app.
That was my standard pattern in romance.

'I'm a person who can't even handle a simple exchange of messages.'

I, who had deeply convinced myself of that, was about to face this giant wall called 'being left on read' once again.

The silent night that followed the first date

As I wrote in Chapter 4, I experienced a proper first date for the first time in my life.
It was a short two hours, but the conversation flowed, and she even laughed.
When we parted, she even said, 'I'd be happy if we could meet again.'

I was ecstatic.
On the train home, I ruminated on her words over and over, desperately trying to suppress my grin.

I got home, calmed down a little, and decided to send a thank-you message.
I couldn't afford to fail here.
Like an engineer drafting an important project proposal, I chose my words carefully.

'Thank you for today!
I really enjoyed talking with you, [Name].
The two hours flew by.
I'll try going to that cafe you told me about by myself sometime.
Get home safely. Let's definitely meet again!'

Not too heavy, not too light. Filled with gratitude and anticipation for the next time.
Perfect. That's what I thought.

Five minutes after hitting the send button.
Ping. A 'read' receipt appeared on her message.

'Good, she read it.'

I felt relieved and decided to take a bath.
Surely, when I get out of the bath, there will be a wonderful reply waiting.
Harboring such sweet expectations.

The beginning of hell: A one-man post-mortem in my head

I get out of the bath and pick up my phone.
...There are no notifications.

Well, it's only been 20 minutes, after all.

I tell myself that as I dry my hair.
I watch TV.
Even so, I find myself tapping the smartphone screen every five minutes.

An hour later. Still no reply.
The excitement I felt until just a moment ago has vanished, and a dark, fog-like anxiety has begun to shroud my heart.

Was I the only one who had a good time?
Was the 'let's meet again' just a polite social nicety?

I read the message I sent over and over again.
And then, the hellish 'mental self-reflection meeting' began.

Was the 'really' in 'I really had a great time' too desperate and creepy?
Did my saying I would go to that cafe put pressure on her?
Did she think the exclamation mark in my final 'Let's definitely meet again!' was too pushy?

The more I thought about it, the more my message seemed like the worst thing ever.
Past failures flashed back one after another.
The memory of that time when the conversation died out and things just fizzled away.
The despair of that time when I was told I was 'physically repulsive.'

As I thought, there's no way someone like me could ever succeed.

I could vividly picture her looking at her phone, frowning, and thinking, 'Ugh, he messaged again. How persistent.'

A Sleepless Night: The Glow of the Smartphone and Unstoppable Thoughts

The time had passed midnight.
Even after getting into bed, I couldn't sleep at all.
In the darkness, only the smartphone screen was glowing brightly.
As if possessed by something, I kept opening and closing the LINE chat screen over and over again.

A faint sound from the next room.
I jumped up thinking, 'Could that be a LINE notification!?' but it was just a phantom sound.
I repeated that same thing many times.

I opened social media and ended up searching for her account.
Even though I knew I shouldn't look, my fingers moved on their own.
Then, I discovered that she had 'liked' a friend's post 15 minutes ago.

She's online...

That fact gouged my heart even deeper.
She has time to look at social media, but no reply for me.
That means she has judged me as 'not worth replying to.'

It's over. It's completely over.

If I send a follow-up message, she'll hate me even more.
But I can't sleep like this.

My mind is a mess.
Self-loathing, anxiety, and despair swirled together, making it hard to breathe.
I buried my face in my pillow and even thought, 'I wish everything would just disappear.'

The 'One Answer' I Found When Dawn Broke

In the end, I welcomed the morning having barely slept at all.
My body felt heavy as lead, and my heart was at rock bottom.
I didn't even have the energy to go to work.

“That’s it, I’m deleting the app and LINE, everything.”

The moment I thought that, a certain idea suddenly crossed my mind.

“Wait. Is that really true?”

The old me would have definitely given up on everything right there. I would have wallowed in self-loathing, thinking, “I’m just not good enough anyway,” and returned to my dark daily routine. But the current me was just a little bit different. That small success of facing myself in the mirror, choosing my clothes, and practicing conversation had put a small “wait” in my heart.

I got out of bed and decided to objectively analyze myself from the night before.

Why did I suffer so much?

1. I wasn't considering her circumstances at all
I had arbitrarily assumed that she was in a state where she could reply immediately. But in reality, that might not be the case. Maybe she was tired from work and had already fallen asleep. Maybe she was in the bath. Maybe she was carefully thinking about how to reply. Even though there must be parts of her “time” and “circumstances” that I don’t know about, I was only looking at my own anxiety.

2. A little bit of confidence was supporting me
Deep down, there was a part of me that thought: “But the date must have been fun.” “I don’t think her smile at that time was a lie.” The tiny bit of confidence I gained from putting effort into my appearance and conversation was what kept me from falling into complete despair.

3. I had a strong will to “change”
And this was the biggest factor. If I ran away here, I would just go back to my old self. I had finally taken a step forward, and I didn’t want to turn back now. “Even if this romance doesn’t work out, I’ll use this experience for the next one.” “Even if I fail, I’ll face it properly until the end.” That positive feeling remained, just a little bit.

I realized that I had been tormenting myself all night with my own selfish delusions. Nothing was over yet. I was the one who had arbitrarily decided that it was “over.”

A single “Good morning” changed the color of the world

While I was thinking about all this, it became time to go to work. I left the house with heavy steps, and on the way to the station, my smartphone vibrated in my pocket.

When I looked at the screen with trepidation, there was a LINE notification from her.

“Good morning! Sorry, I was tired yesterday, and after I read your message, I just fell asleep!”

…Huh?

I read that message over and over again. “I was tired and fell asleep.” Was that really all it was?

In that instant, the worries of the previous night vanished as if they were a lie. While I was experiencing hellish suffering, she was simply sleeping soundly. The grand tragedy that had been playing out in my brain was entirely my own delusion.

“What the heck…”

I couldn't help but laugh to myself. To the people around me, I must have looked like a weirdo grinning from the morning. But for me, it was the moment the colors of the world returned—no, they looked even more vivid than yesterday.

To you who are troubled by being left on read: A prescription from me

From this experience, I learned several 'prescriptions' for battling the monster known as being left on 'read'.
If there is anyone out there struggling like I used to, please keep these in the back of your mind.

Prescription 1: Once you send it, step away from your phone
After sending a message, turn your phone face down. Leave it in another room. Go for a walk. Do anything to create physical distance. This is the most effective method.

Prescription 2: Respect the other person's time
The other person has their own life and circumstances. Expecting an instant reply is just your own ego. Think of it as, 'It'll be a bonus if I get a reply tomorrow.'

Prescription 3: When negative delusions start, shout 'Stop!'
When the thought 'Maybe they hate me' starts, shout 'Stop!' in your mind to forcibly halt the thought. Then, overwrite it with a positive possibility, like 'No, they're just busy.'

Prescription 4: Follow-up messages do more harm than good
Follow-up messages like 'What's up?' or 'Are you busy?' only put pressure on the other person. Have the courage to wait quietly for at least a full day.

Prescription 5: Don't let your world end because of one person's reply
This is a slightly advanced technique, but if you only talk to one person, you inevitably become obsessed with them. Having the mental space to talk to multiple people at once prevents your mental state from collapsing when one person leaves you on 'read'.

Conclusion: The true 'confidence' I saw beyond the 'read' receipt

By overcoming the fear of being left on 'read', I feel like I've become a little stronger mentally.

Trusting the other person.
And above all, trusting yourself.

'The date must have been fun.'
'Let's be confident in my own actions.'

The reason I've come to think this way is undoubtedly because of the accumulation of all those small efforts.
Messaging is only a small part of a relationship.
Don't get too caught up in it; live your own daily life to the fullest.
I learned that this leads to true 'confidence' and 'composure'.

Beyond the 'read' receipt lies the other person's life.
And the potential for your own growth.

I am no longer afraid of those two 'read' characters.
Well, to be honest, I still get a little nervous sometimes.
But the experience of overcoming those sleepless nights supports me.

Next time, I will talk about 'the small habits I continued to graduate from having no confidence'.
I hope to share concrete methods on how I nurtured my self-esteem in my daily life.

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