"He's a nice guy, but..." The cruel reality overheard at a cafe
Introduction: The modest confidence and daily life I gradually acquired
Having overcome the fear of being left on read, I felt like I had become a little stronger.
I was no longer afraid to look in the mirror in the morning, and my closet was filled with more brightly colored clothes. At work, I could chat naturally with colleagues, and if I was invited to a drinking party, I would occasionally show my face.
And so, a new habit was born in my daily life.
It was "going to a cafe alone."
If it were the old me, I never would have considered it.
"Going to a cafe alone is for stylish people."
"I'd be too self-conscious and wouldn't be able to relax."
I had convinced myself of that and had avoided such places for a long time.
But once I gathered the courage to go in, I found it to be a surprisingly comfortable space.
The time spent reading a book, undisturbed, while wrapped in the aroma of delicious coffee.
It had become the ultimate luxury for me and a precious time to face myself.
The modest confidence I had gradually acquired.
My daily life, which had begun to gain just a little bit of color.
On one such peaceful afternoon, I was sitting by the window at my neighborhood cafe, as usual, with a mystery novel I had started reading.
I never imagined that the casual conversation I overheard that day would shake the small confidence I had built up to its very core.
The dating talk of the part-timers that I overheard
The cafe was a quiet, privately owned establishment, and the staff were mostly young people who appeared to be student part-timers.
As I was immersed in the world of my book while drinking coffee, I heard the whispering of a male and female part-time staff member from behind the counter.
"Hey, listen to this."
The speaker was a female staff member who always had a lovely smile. She was probably in her early twenties.
"What is it? Is it about that person again?"
The one who answered was a male staff member with a refreshing vibe.
"Yeah, that person. The one I met on a matching app."
At those words, my heart skipped a beat.
The content of the book suddenly stopped making sense.
Even though I didn't intend to listen, my ears naturally focused on their conversation.
"He's a really good guy. He's serious, kind, and he even makes reservations at restaurants properly."
"Oh, that sounds great. Isn't that ideal?"
"Yeah, he is, but... somehow, it just makes me tired."
"Tired? Why is that?"
That one phrase, "it makes me tired," pierced my chest like a small thorn.
He's a good guy, but he's tiring? What could that mean?
I pretended to be reading a book while focusing all my attention on their conversation.
“I know he’s trying, but…” Frozen by a woman’s “honest opinion”
The female staff member lowered her voice slightly and continued as if she were confiding her troubles.
“How should I put it? Everything is just ‘too perfect.’ His effort actually ends up feeling like pressure, you know?”
When the male staff member prompted her with, “For example?” she began to share specific episodes. And every single one of them sent a cold chill down my spine.
Honest Opinion 1: “Long texts and instant replies are suffocating”
“First of all, his replies are incredibly fast. They always come back within a minute. And every time, they’re super long. He talks about his day, his work problems, and includes like three questions. When I feel like I have to reply properly to all that, it takes so much energy. And if I’m a little slow to reply, he sends follow-up messages like, ‘What’s wrong? Are you busy?’”
I let out a silent “Oh no…” in my heart. The past version of me who was so afraid of being left on read that I replied the second I got a message. The version of me who was so desperate to keep the conversation going that I crammed it with questions. It was exactly the kind of mistake I used to make.
Honest Opinion 2: “The date plan is too perfect, leaving no room for freedom”
“The dates are intense, too. He sends a PowerPoint-like document beforehand with the ‘flow of the day.’ Like, 2:00 PM meet at the cafe, 3:30 PM move to the cinema, 6:00 PM dinner reserved. I appreciate that he plans everything perfectly, but if I say, ‘Oh, I’d like to check out that general store over there,’ he’s like, ‘Well, the next thing is at 3:30, so we don’t really have time…’ It feels like I’m on a tour, and I can’t relax at all.”
This was also a shock to me. I had convinced myself that crafting the perfect date plan was a sign of “sincerity” because I didn’t want to disappoint her. But to think that it could actually rob the other person of their freedom and make them feel cramped.
Honest Opinion 3: “Cheap compliments actually make the heart grow cold”
“And he compliments me so much. ‘That outfit is cute,’ ‘That hairstyle suits you,’ ‘You have a lovely smile.’ At first, I was happy, but when it’s said at a pace of once every five minutes, I eventually start thinking, ‘He’s saying it again…’ It starts to sound like a chore that lacks any real feeling. I have no choice but to say ‘Thank you’ every time, and I don’t know how to react.”
I had taken the advice from a dating manual that said “women love to be complimented” at face value. I thought it was that simple: if you compliment them, they’ll be happy. But if you get the timing and frequency wrong, it just becomes a “task” and ends up exhausting the other person. Had I been trying to follow a manual without considering the other person’s feelings?
Honest Opinion 4: “He pays for everything, which actually makes me feel a distance”
“He also pays for everything. The cafe, the movie, the dinner. I’m really grateful for that, but every time, I start to feel bad. Even if I say, ‘I’ll pay for a little bit,’ he stubbornly refuses, saying, ‘No, no, it’s fine!’ When he does that, it feels like we aren’t ‘equals,’ or like he’s building an invisible wall between us.”
This was also an eye-opener for me. I thought it was natural for a man to pay. That it was what being a man was all about. But for the other person, it could be a burden and a cause for emotional distance. Perhaps true kindness also involves understanding the other person’s feeling of “feeling bad” and occasionally accepting their offer to contribute.
“He’s a nice guy, but…” The cruel meaning behind those words
The male staff member said in a sympathetic tone, “Wow… I can tell that guy is trying really hard, but he’s completely spinning his wheels.”
And then, the female staff member delivered the final blow.
“Exactly! There's no doubt he's a truly 'nice guy,' but if you ask me if he's 'fun to be with,' that's a different story... So, I'm really struggling right now with how to turn him down.”
“He's a nice guy, but...”
The cruel conclusion that follows those words.
I felt a sensation as if my whole body had frozen at the weight of that statement.
Was this 'nice guy' exactly what I had been aiming to be?
Trying to be perfect so that women wouldn't dislike me or be disappointed.
As a result, I just end up as a 'nice guy' and get excluded from being a romantic prospect.
The self-improvement I've been doing until now might have been heading in the wrong direction.
Everything I've been desperately building up might have been nothing more than a 'burden' to the other person.
The moment I realized that fact, the coffee in the cafe suddenly tasted bitter.
What you see at the end of self-centered effort
I left the cafe and kept walking while being hit by the cold night air.
In my head, the words of that female staff member were repeating over and over again.
“It's exhausting.”
“It's like being on a tour.”
“It's like a chore.”
“It feels like there's a wall up.”
Those were all feelings that I might have been giving to the other person.
I was trying desperately, with the sole intention of wanting to please the other person.
But in that effort, the subject was always 'I'.
‘I’ make the perfect plan.
‘I’ compliment her.
‘I’ pay for her.
The perspective of 'how she is feeling' was decisively missing there.
Perhaps I was just unilaterally trying to appeal my own 'good points' in a presentation called dating.
That wasn't communication; it was just self-satisfaction.
It was self-centered effort.
The charm called 'composure' that is more important than 'perfection'
So, what should I have done?
What was it that she really wanted?
I think it wasn't 'perfection,' but 'space'.
Not a date plan that is too perfect, but space where you can talk together about 'what should we do next?'
Not a barrage of compliments, but the weight of words conveyed only when you truly feel them.
Not paying for everything unilaterally, but an equal relationship where you can say, 'Then, I'll leave the next cafe to you.'
And perhaps what makes all of that possible is the charm called 'composure'.
Not desperation or being pushy, but the mental composure to be able to respond flexibly while enjoying the other person's reactions.
The composure to not panic even if there is silence and to enjoy the atmosphere of the moment.
The composure to respect the other person's opinion and change the plan.
That might be the true charm that makes the other person feel, 'I can be myself with this person' and 'It's comfortable.'
The place I should truly aim for
Self-improvement was not a mistake.
Being conscious of cleanliness, practicing conversation, and learning about fashion were all necessary things.
But that was just a warm-up to stand at the starting line.
What is truly important is how you use that strength and the direction you take.
What I should aim to be from now on is not a "perfect man."
It is "a man with composure who can enjoy time with his partner."
So I don't end up as just a "nice guy."
To become someone who makes others think, "It's genuinely fun to be with you."
The cruel, yet incredibly valuable, honest reality I overheard at the cafe.
It became a turning point that significantly changed my view on love and my life from here on out.
I looked up at the night sky and took a deep breath.
The road is still long. But I felt like I could finally see the direction I needed to go.
#LoveTroubles #WomensHonestOpinions #StuckAsANiceGuy #SelfImprovement #ViewOnLove #GraduatingFromBeingUnpopular #Communication #ManWithComposure